Diary,
Unfortunately I ended up hurting Pete, one of my true friends. I did it only because I realized how much I had hurt him in the past, and was afraid that I would hurt him again. Along with the fact that my love for Youssef was starting to fade at the begining, yet grow stronger everyday at the same time. I love Youssef, set it feels as if he's slipping between my fingers. Like trying to capture smoke with my bare hands. I did love Pete, of course. I just love Youssef a million times more. Its hard not to say that, because Youssef was my first love. Of course I'd love him, but I rather not hurt anyone else for a very long time. I am staying loyal to Youssef forever. Pete probably does not wish to be friends. If that is so, then so be it. I will give him whichever his heart desires. I am sure he may have deleted me from Yahoo! and Gaia Online. I don't mind that. I can understand his pain. I worry if I made a mistake. What if Youssef has slipped from me and loves me no longer? And I ended up hurting a friend because I thougth we'd be wrong to stay? I don't know what to think anymore. I need to hear from Youssef. He probably already knows about Pete. I told him his e-mail and I'm sure Pete is keeping him in the loop. Youssef may have found another as well. And, strangely, I'm okay with that. I just want them happy. Weither or not I suffer through the pain of them being with someone else. As long as their safe, happy, and no longer suffering, I'll be happy. The only worries I have is with the fact that there might be the possibility that we still could be going strong Youssef and I. I just hope that I hear from him soon. I no longer want to feel alone. I know I shouldn't feel alone after Youssef giving me my necklace, which I hold close and dear to my heart. I just wish Youssef was back with me. Not hearing from him makes me wonder and worry. I can't think about anything or anyone else but Youssef. I know I should feel terrible about that but I don't. Now I feel like.... LostEmotionz.... No emotions whatsoever. I wonder if it has anything to do with Youssef no longer being there... No longer hearing his voice or knowing that he's smiling. The heart grows fonder with absence... but mine grows more empty. I feel so terrible for what I did to Pete and I feel so lost without Youssef. I think the only reason I stayed with Pete, was because he filled that missing whole inside my chest where my heart used to be. I hope that someday, Pete will find someone new and forget all about me, forever. Thats all I want... Youssef in my arms and Pete forever happy without me.
I must go now diary. Too long of an entry for one day. I hope to write in you soon.
Until another day beckons,
Farewell~
NakatamiHigurashi Community Member 
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