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ARAGORNITES

By The Fanfiction Nymph & A Dear Hobbit Friend


In the office next to Gandalfs’ . . .

Eowyn, the White Lady of Rohan and Firalcariel, Arwen’s cousin, sit in a pair of chairs facing a large black desk. Saruman sits ramrod straight behind the desk with sophisticated black rimmed glasses. His desk is perfectly organized, with a lamp and small note pad, phone, cup of pens, etc.

The walls are lined with bookshelves, books all in alphabetical order.

Currently, Saruman is writing notes on a pad of paper.

Eowyn leans forward trying to get a peek.

He writes: Another pair of Aragornites. Possibly psychotic. May be driven to homicide concerning the marriage of Aragorn and Arwen. Fun. Hope he has insurance.

EOWYN. He doesn’t have insurance.

FIRALCARIEL. Hope he gets some.

SARUMAN. Ahem. Please, ladies, I am trying to work. (Shuffles papers). Well, one at a time, can you explain when and how these . . . thoughts . . . came into your mind?

EOWYN. Well, one day I’m trimming my fingernails with my sword, bored, bored bored out of my skull, when suddenly there’s this knock on the door. A strong knock, full of force. The door burst open and he walked in. And he was soooo tall . . . black outline against the light gleaming on his back . .. and his he shook his hair just soooo . . . . and I ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa.

FIRALCARIEL (at the same time; poofs hair, reapplies lip gloss). Well, it was on a beautiful summer. Or was it night? I don’t know, I think it was night. Because the moon was up, giving him a beautiful halo. It was so beautiful. And then he started singing. A beautiful song in the elven tongue. I never thought I’d see the day when I heard a mortal man sing our songs. It was so beautiful. But not as beautiful as him. But I’m prettier. And I do so know it!

SARUMAN. LADIES! Didn’t I just say one at a time?

The women stare and blink at him.

SARUMAN. Alright, Eowyn. Let’s talk about your dreams. Explain how long you’ve had these dreams of him. And explain the dreams as well.

EOWYN. I’m a lady! I can’t discuss those!

SARUMAN. Why not? Do you feel ashamed?

EOWYN. Do you really want to know what I dream Aragorn does with whip cream?

SARUMAN (thinks). Yes . . . (licks lips).

Eowyn shuffles nervously.

FIRALCARIEL. Well I had a dream. No I had a vision! And in the vision, Aragorn, he left my disturbing looking cousin Arwen for me, and we frollick in the fields of Lothlorien, forever happy. And have racy sex—

SARUMAN. YES!

Silence.

EOWYN. That was my vision!

FIRALCARIEL. LIAR! I am an elf! And elves always have true visions, because we never sleep, so we can’t dream!

EOWYN. Well I looked into the Palantir!

SARUMAN. You’re the one who stole my Palantir!

FIRALCARIEL. You stay out of this!

SARUMAN. I’m your therapist!

EOWYN. You’re a dirty old man!

SARUMAN. Oh yeah, what are you then, huh?

FIRALCARIEL. I’M AN ELF! I HAVE NEEDS!

EOWYN. I HAVE TO SIT AT HOME ALL DAY DO EMBRODIERY WITH THAT GRIMA CREATURE! AS IF WANTING A MAN IS A CRIME!

FIRALCARIEL. It’s not. It’s perfectly normal! Natural! I’m an elf, so I know all about nature. Yes.

EOWYN. Shush! What’s that sound!

They all stop, listen. Through the walls, the sound of Aragorn weeping. The women instantly tense.

FIRALCARIEL. ARAGORN!

She jumps up, runs into the wall, fall unconscious.

EOWYN. YES! ONE LESS OF THEM!

She rushes out the door.

In Gandalf’s office. Aragorn is seated in a chair, with a box of tissues in his lap.

ARAGORN. I just wanted some potatoe salad . . . .

GANDALF. Dude, calm down. Need a reefer?

Aragorn cries harder.

Suddenly, the door BURTS open. Eowyn sails in, lands in Aragorn’s lap.

ARAGORN. You crushed my tissues . . .

EOWYN. TAKE ME NOW! (she rips open her corset, causing her bodice dagger to go flying).

GANDALF. MY EYE!

Aragorn screams a high-pitched sissy scream. Eowyn begins to tackle him in a most sensuous manner. Aragorn continues to scream while Gandalf runs around like a headless chipmunk, holding his eye.

Then, a loud THUD as an ax tears through the wall.

FIRALCARIEL (off-scene, behind the wall). I’M COMING MY LOVE! I’LL SAVE YOU ARAGORN!

ARAGORN. AHAHAHAHAHA!

FIRALCARIEL. AND I SHALL CLAIM THE SPOILS OF VICTORY!

Another CRASH of the ax as the hole in the wall WIDENS.

Then, a series of SHRIEKS. The door breaks down as a flood of CRAZED FEMALE ARAGONITES stream into the office. It looks and sounds like one giant orgy now, with Aragorn whimpering in the middle.

Finally, Firalcariel jumps through the hole in the wall, but gets stuck.

And lastly:

FARAMIR( off-scene). Eowyn! Eowyn! Are you alright!

He runs into the room. His face is washed with a look of terror.

FARAMIR. OH MY RINGWRAITHS! ARAGORN! ARAGORN!

ARAGORN. GET YOUR WIFE OFF ME! ARWEN’S GONNA KILL ME!

FARAMIR. EOWYN! THAT’S IT!

EOWYN. I CAN’T HELP IT! HE’S SO HOT!

FARAMIR. She does have a point.

ARAGORN. What a minute! AAHAHAHAHA! LEAVE MY BELT ALONE! BACK! I HAVE THE SWORD NARSIL!

WOMAN. Oh yes you DO!

ARAGORN. NOOOOO! YES! NO! NO! YES YES YES!

Faramir faints.

Enter BOROMIR, orc-arrows protruding from his chest.

BOROMIR. I’LL SAVE YOU ARAGORN!

ARAGORN. N-OOOH! YEEES! NOOOOOH! YOU’RE DEAD! AHAHAHA!

BOROMIR. Oh, it’s just a flesh wound. I’m feeling better.

ARAGORN. You’re also gay!

BOROMIR. Well, that’s not a problem! Hey it’s Faramir!

ARAGORN. Are you going to rescue me! OOOOH!

EOWYN. SPANK US!

BOROMIR. This is like that whole thing from Monty Python where Lancelot saves Galahad—

FIRALCARIEL. This is the Antrax mental health clinic. My stupid cousin Arwen sent me here! DAMN HER! (she thrashes; pouting) Will you save me?

Boromir stares.

BOROMIR. Well, I guess you were wrong Aragorn. I’m bi. BYE!

He pulls Firalcariel from the wall and runs out with her. He blows the horn of Gondor as he goes.

ARAGORN. Boromir? BOROMIR!! AHAHA! OH MY! NOT MY HAIR! NOT MY HAIR! AAAAAAAH!

The end