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Damn i just found this again somehow. I had completely forgotten about it and I just read the past entries. Wow, i did not remember Talisa being so confusing. I also found an entry on liking Jennifer, which was interesting considering what happened between us senior year. Something about not liking Arturo Bory... Wtf? xd I completely forgot about that hatred.
I guess it's kind of cool to have those entries so far apart, though they're mostly useless. They don't have much detail, just general things. I guess that's what my iPad is for, which has over 150 personal entries.
It's hard to go into detail when you're trying to talk about what happened in between the times of the journals.
...I am in college now. It is a crazy new world, especially living with these roommates that go to clubs, drink, and smoke week constantly. They're friendly enough, though admittedly not my kind of crowd.
These times are trials, I have to prove to myself that I can be responsible and independent, but I am struggling. It's hard to keep up, really. Between RPing SWTOR, hanging out with roommates, and doing homeworks and readings... I am cursing at myself to do better. I constantly feel like the underdog. I find myself hating Lazaro with a passion one moment, enjoying his company the next. I hate his happiness, his pride... I saw the other entries had emotes put into them, but this is too serious for those. I feel so... resentful. There is not a time i feel more hate than after Lazaro talks about his girlfriend.
I update my profile, make it more accurate. I add notes between pictures, making it darker. I want darkness. I want people to see it, and fear. I want people to see what I see... Maybe I have depression, because I want them to feel pathetic. I want them to lose hope for a moment, to feel unloved by their SO, to crawl into bed early because they don't know what to do to get past this feeling of helplessness.
I wish there was some benefit to feeling like this. Some reward for letting myself fall into this. It almost feels good sometimes. I let my anger for Lazaro build up, and I growled and let out a short scream as it reached it's peak, where i felt like physically attacking him.
I never let this out though. I stay looking weak and humble on the outside, hiding this from people around me. I don't use it to assert myself or even to protect myself.
I don't have many people around me though.
I wouldn't need that kind of dark intention normally anyways, but these roommates are so aggressive... They are very strange, and hard to read. Almost like a different species of human. I have deserted everyone i had known for nothing. I told myself that I would first master my academic life before resuming a normal social life, but i don't think that'll ever happen. At this rate...
I say this because as i write this I have a late paper to finish and readings to do. It is hard to stay on task.