Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I think of you and I get paralyzed. I stop breathing. I freeze in place. I think about us and the mistakes I made. I never truly had the capacity to love you to be honest. I don't think I'm capable of loving anybody at all after being with you. I hate it when you come into my mind even though its been a year now. I hate that I still think of you. I hate myself for still thinking of you. That a part of me somewhere in there still loves and longs for you. But I think about the mistakes I made, and how you fell out of love. I think about all the times when I lied to myself saying it's okay if you don't say I love you back.

These thoughts just lasts a couple of minute, I'm back to myself sorta. I'm breathing again. My mind drifts off into other things such as microphones and the upcoming job. I think about the journey back to New York for this weekend. I think about the tomato plant I worked so hard to care for thats dying due to the heat waves. I think about Squeaky, who is the outside cat that saved me from the heartbreak by distracting me. I would sit outside during the winter months just staring into the starry sky with him on my lap. I would ponder about you then too but my thoughts were longer. I was so scared I lost him after fourth of July due to the fireworks. I wish I can adopt him, but he wouldn't have a permanent home.

I do miss you though, I miss your presence. I miss calling you. I miss staying up with you at nights. I miss cooking with you. I miss hearing about your plants and your fish. I miss hearing about your nails and what new colours you procured this month. I miss your voice and you singing me to sleep while you play guitar. I miss your body and the way you made me feel.

I know one day the pain from your loss will grow smaller and smaller, and you're just be another footnote that contributes to this book. I guess I wanted to write this one out so I can let go.

- a.a.m