Apparently something happened to my partner last night because I got an e-mail saying he wasn't going to be talking to anyone for a while, and to ask a mutual acquaintance for teh general idea fo what happened. Of course, i didnt SEE the message until 3 and a half hours after he SENT it, by which time said person was gone... and won't be back on til tonight, and probably won't bother checking his e-mail. And if it was bad enough that koi didn't even say goodbye in the IM message I'd sent him... I'm worried.
Maybe for no reason, and likely so.
But I am.
It could just be something happened at school... prolly is... But I want to know, y'know...? Being across the country from him and not having any idea whats going on makes you a bit paranoid... makes me a nervous wreck.
I just want him to be alright.
Which is nagging me in another way. I love him very much... but I'm getting drawn in by someone up here. They're completely different... but at the same time so much alike. They both have a similar draining effect on me- my BF is a psi, and I'm his main donor. Sam... just feels SO much like he's pulling on me the exact same way. And he just 'feels' the same... I opened up more to him in a month than I wanted to open up to anybody up here over the entire year and a half I'm stuck. I've apparently drawn him in much the same way. He opened up to me extremely easily, considering the type of person he is.
I still feel attached to, protective of, and I care greatly for koi. I have not felt a difference in the attachment there. But... I feel almost like I'm falling for the new guy.
It could just be that he seems like he needs someone... he seems like he's an emotional wreck waiting to happen... and I don't want to let that happen to anyone. It's possibly just my uber-protectiveness kicking in.
Along with a bit of empathy, as I think he's coming to like me... but he hides it decently. And it's not that strong. He doesn't want to- I know that much. I don't want to... I'd end up leaving him, and I don't do well with hurting people. I'd hurt two very close to me in one fell swoop, and... I can't do that.
I had a very short lived but severe depressed moment the other day at work.. I was crying silently, wanting to run away, do something to someone(me?), and everything. Between people not listening to me (even with me yelling) and endangering themselves in doing so (as well as getting me yelled at) at work... me dwelling on how much I wish I had koi... me dwelling on how easy it would be to let my guard slip and fall for Sam... how previous statement could ruin so much I've worked to build in myself and others... missing everyone, standing in the heat, and being confused as to where my cell phone was. A minor thing that actually scared me for a minute when I realized it was lost... found it again, no biggie, it was just the straw that broke the weaklings back.
And I think I've pretty much worn myself out.
[/rant]
