The more I trust, the more I get hurt. The less I trust, the lesser my friends become. I've been betrayed and abandoned by too many. I feel as a rag would. As if I were tossed aside after cleaning the muck off of some huge work of art. I don't know anyone who has not used me in some way for their own malicious benefit. I don’t necessarily know what to do about it. I’ve weighed the costs of having friends against the benefits… And to my surprise, it’s more beneficial to just be… alone. I actually don’t miss any of the friends I have already lost. I feel I’d rather be surrounded by reality than shrouded in a false world of security. I don’t care if I stand alone, I’d rather stand on my own than not at all.
I’ve grown to the point where I loathe and despise human contact, but especially… Affection. It may seem unthinkable or impossible, but it’s becoming more and more true every single day. People at school have almost ceased their pathetic attempts to so much as touch me, let alone talk to me.
Am I making a mistake?
Should I just ignore the falsity and lies in the world?
I’ve asked myself these questions, and many very similar to them. The resounding answer I have come to is no. I can’t keep fighting these feelings of hatred and despair. If you despise how the world moves and turns, why bother to be a part of it? You can’t change people. People change themselves for their own benefit. The sad part about how the human race operates is that if you lie, you will get further in life. Why would humans change the way they operate simply for the idea of “doing the right thing.” That custom has not only been forgotten, but now I begin to question whether or not it even existed. I can’t stand the disgusting things that I must sit with, converse with, and live with. It disgusts me even more that I am one of these… things. A thing that will never tell the truth, and will always operate in a manner that is for its own benefit. I hate who I am, what I am, and I despise who I shall become. Why bother to try any more?
Why bother to live any longer…?
 Alucarda Incarnate · Wed Feb 28, 2007 @ 07:07pm · 1 Comments |
