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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take s**t from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******** Indian.



There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.




In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.



The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.



Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.



The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.



Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ******** down.



Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."



Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.



Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.



Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.



The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.



When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the a**, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.



Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.



When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.




Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.



Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"



Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord



Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.



Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times



China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.



Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about



If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.



Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.



When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.



Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.



Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty



Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.



Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.



Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.



Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.



If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the ******** down



Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris



Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.



Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.



Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.



A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.



Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.



There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.



Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.



Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds



When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"



Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.



Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.



Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.



Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.



Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.



Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.



If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.



When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.



Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.



Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.



God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.



When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.



Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.



A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.



Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.



Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.



Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.



If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.



Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.



Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.



If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.



Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.



Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.



Chuck Norris invented water.



Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your a**, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.



Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”



One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.



Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.



Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.



Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.



Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.



In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.



Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s s**t.



Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks a** until he’s full.



Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.