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I'm only writing on this account right now because A. I am taking a vacation from Chisai till tomorrow and B. I need to vent somewhere I feel comfortable. I know that no one should be subscribed to this anymore and I really do rely on Gaia to feel peace in my life. I can reach out to people here... not that it isn't possible in the real world... I'm just scared... and I have things to do that keep me from leaving the house right now. Moving on:

How long has it been since we've said goodbye? It certainly doesn't feel like two years. If I had to guess it would ten. The world has grown colder since you've gone. The winter lasts all year long and even though my heart is warm and beating, it misses you. Your scent was like the whip cream to my hot chocolate, sure I didn't need you and you kinda made me fat but you were so good while you lasted. When you first left, I was glad that I wouldn't be so spoiled and would have to grow up. But then the cravings kicked back in and even though I tried to find a substitute for you, there are no substitutes to your cool attitude and flawless smile. I would wish that I could tell you just how sorry I was and how much I still cared for you but I knew it would never happen. I knew that you would never come back. Even though I was your sister, I knew that there was no forgiving me.

The first time we parted ways was like a breath of fresh air and the world seemed so new without you. Getting you back was harder that living without you. I had learned, no adapted, to my solitary lifestyle while you had blossomed into the social butterfly. You were always born to lead, even if you didn't realize it back then. No matter how strong the bond is, I don't think any group should have more than one leader. A leader is meant to be supported and support those that are around her but never share her spotlight or devotion, not at least the kind that we all shared. I think that if I had been a little stronger I could have led everyone and things could have been better but at the same time if I had been weaker, it could have also solved our troubles. When I look back at our high school years, I do regret ever meeting any of you. I would have never gone to that school. Even though I learned a new side of myself, I cannot be sure that it is a side I would have wanted. I feel as if that person only exists around and because of our group.

This isn't to say that I don't still act like I did in high school or apologize to you in any way. No, no. But while we're on the subject I'm sure the question is in your mind, do I feel sorry for how I treated you? s**t girl... of course I do. I feel guilty for how I affected everyone at that school, whether they were in our group or not. I probably scarred girls when they saw all the cuts all over my arms. I hurt the trust of my teachers and tore our group apart but in my defense, I was just a selfish teenager who was trying to experience everything she could. I'm not going to blame it on my parents or upbringing cause it's just something that teenagers commonly do. It may not be "normal" to have the same experiences but I'm sure that it's common that teenagers have some sort of break away from their old lives. I'm sorry that it had to be you and them that had to reap the sorrow and pain. No one was spared, not even myself.

What I did in high school was different that what happened two years ago. If you can't remember, we had been happily dating when I stupidly involved your guy friend. I still didn't feel like I knew who I was so I wanted to be sure, so that I could go forward with you with no regrets, that I only loved you and was attracted to the female persuasion. The doubt in my mind was multiplied when we visited San Francisco and I met those guys at the Hostel. You were so intent on spending your life with me but I just couldn't settle down. It's not that I was a bad girlfriend, in fact I applaud myself for that relationship. Overall I think we had a good run. We supported one another and if anything, I gave myself too freely and openly. At the same time though, you could have told me that I was asking too much. I won't lay blame because I don't hold anything against you. I still treasure your friendship.

I broke up with you because I respected and loved you. I knew I couldn't commit myself to only you, not just yet. And even though I did this out of love, it hurt you. All the time you had supported and defended me or dreamed about a future vanished in an instant. I wasn't ready to live without you in my life then and had a bit of trouble at first but I learned to move on. Truth be told I only pushed forward because I thought you would take enjoyment in hearing my pain and wouldn't listen to my apology. I knew you were stubborn, like me. Besides that, I wanted you to be happy and so long as my other friends told me that you were, I was satisfied to try and live without you. Moving on was for the best... wasn't it?

The blood in our veins may not have been shared as we wished but when I called you that night to let you know my cycle had finally started, it was like the clot between us had finally broken. All of the bad blood, the fighting and resentment poured out in words. I thought everything was fixed and we could just pick up where we last left off but you had changed. You had changed so much from what I remembered. I felt, almost betrayed that you could go on without me so easily and I was limping to even catch a glimpse of you. It was fine to hear that you were going to go back to your ex or fool around with your friend. I even supported when you wanted to get a boyfriend. I met the guy and gave you my frank opinion that I was unimpressed. Moreover, I was depressed you were changing everything I knew about you to be with him. You were getting into things I had never heard of you trying and the way you spoke changed.

There were gaps all of a sudden in the road, the beautiful road I had just patched up with you, and it angered me. Two years ago I had trouble keeping up with you and tried to push myself harder to keep up but somehow my efforts didn't show and you left me behind. Two years ago we stopped talking by your accord. Two years ago I moved on without you and today I am writing this to myself. I remember so many things that I treasure. Someday I should write you to let you know some of those things but I just keep thinking about what you would do if you found that letter. I keep thinking you would burn it without reading it or toss it into some bin. I don't want to rebuild the bridge between us, I only want to be sure that you know that our friendship was never a waste. I may regret the things that I have done or places that I have gone or people I have met but I will never regret who I have loved and those that have loved me. I want her to know that I will love her as a friend forever. It may hurt but it's a whole lot better than living with hatred in your heart. I want her to do the same.

I've learned that I'll never be forgotten, no matter what. Even if she forgets or all of them forget, there are others I have been loved by. There are friends who have loved me since Kindergarten and teachers who will forever REMEMBER me as their student. My family will never forget me nor will the kids who look up to me as a role model. You see, I cannot nor WILL NOT be forgotten... no matter what effort or priority I put into being remembered. Two years ago or ten years ago, you are not forgotten... you are LOVED.