So, I'm feeling close to hitting rock bottom emotionally. It's taunting me, thumbing it's nose at me and other such nonsense. I believe in hell, and that I'll go if I commit suicide...so I'm not even contemplating that, don't worry. Not that I'd be quite there even if I were the sort that, that sort of thing would appeal to...
Moving right along...best to jump into the deep end with both feet, eh?
I hurt. Not super badly, but enough. It's not like post-operation bad or anything...but..well. I'm gonna probably jump around so bare with me.
I got lab work taken, my GP (general practitioner) seemed utterly clueless with what my issues were, story of my life...
One of my lymph nodes is swollen and hurts...happens sometimes for no reason...it's not huge or anything...so, that's not too big of a deal.
The fact is my mother thinks I'm mental now...it's 7:37 PM my time and I just needed some outlet. Maybe, I am going insane...I dunno but either way it's horrible. The pain's unremarkable- not excruciating. I know others have a lot worse, it's more the not knowing and being treated like a drama queen and that I'm doing things for attention.
I'M NOT THAT KIND OF MOTHER ******** PERSON!
If I move a certain way, and it's NEVER the same movement or range each time, my joints...'lock up' for a lack of a better description. The muscles'll contract, sort of like a Charley horse, I suppose.
MY GRANDMOTHER'S A DUMBASS AND MY MOTHER'S ******** b***h.
Stupid to log my thoughts in the public square of the internet, yes? I know but I'm past caring. Maybe SOMEONE has some of the same symptoms or knows what I'm going on about.
I'm hoping and praying, anyway...
My grandmother had got done spewing her 'rainbows and unicorns out the a** utopia-esque' bullshit again and I was lounging on the love seat and rolled over to ignore her. She said she 'understood'. Then she proceeded to get pissed off when I told her she didn't and I even elaborated and told her, "When you got your mastectomy (breast removal) due to cancer....I never told you I understand...you know why? BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH I POSSIBLY COULD!" I hadn't been there. So how the ******** could I?
Then she launched into some self-righteous bullshit about, 'well where does the sympathy and anguish of a loving family member come in?' So I told her I wasn't in the mood to talk and rolled over and went to sleep.
Now I woke up a few hours later and laid on my elbow wrong and it locked up. It wasn't sore, it wasn't a bit stiff...IT LOCKED THE ******** UP. It looked like I had a broken CLAVICLE with the position my arm was locked in. You know, the position they splint your arm in to help the healing 'cause they can't do anything for said broken clavicle (collarbone)?
Jumping tracks again, momentarily. If I YAWN incorrectly my neck will "lock up" and the muscle will spazz so hard my chin is touching my chest. It takes forever and a lot of heat applications to limber the muscle back up.
It's not so much the pain, it's that I have no idea what's going on and it's SCARING me. Sometimes I want it to hurt badly enough that I feel the need to call an Ambulance just so my family might take me seriously. My family being my mother.
It's not that I want the pain, I want the medical validation that I'm not going insane.
So, it can be ANY joint, any movement. It makes me nervous.
So, back to today.
I woke up and my elbow "locked up", I asked my mother to grab me the heating pad and if she'd please plug it in. She asked me why and I told her. She then said, "In all of my 26 years of nursing I've NEVER heard of that happening." And she threw the heating pad at me. I got up and went into the kitchen and turned on the hot water tap, climbed onto a stool and shoved my elbow under it sobbing.
I guess she thinks I'm making s**t up. ******** HER.
It's bothering me a bit still but again, I don't rightly care.
Last night made me almost hate my mother. To put it delicately I was having bowel issues. I went to clean up and my torso 'locked up'. I was stuck with my side hyper-extended with my right breast almost touching my left hip I was so bent to the side. I went into her room like that asking her to turn on the tap so I could wash my hands. She bitched and moaned before finally doing it and I clambered onto a stool and washed up, and I told her, 'I can't straighten out'. She told me to work the muscle. I HAD ALL READY DONE THAT! It was 3:35 in the ******** morning and I was crying.
(I have a fairly high pain tolerance, or so I've been told by doctors. I broke my pinky once and just hissed 's**t' under my breath.)
SHE WENT BACK TO BED. I stood there for a while, so hunched to the side my dressing gown was nearly to my ankles on one side and toward the middle of my back on the other.
She just left me.
It took me a long time to get a 'reaching aide device' to get the heating pad since I couldn't bend to get it off the floor and walk into the living room to lie on the sofa. I realised I couldn't plug in the heating pad so I just laid down on the sofa. I wound up falling asleep.
That was last night...
So long story short...I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ******** TO DO BETWEEN MY MOTHER WHO MAKES ME THINK I'M LOOSING MY ******** MIND AND SAYS IT'S 'ALL IN MY HEAD' AND MY DUMBSHIT GRANDMOTHER!
And that's not even COUNTING the family drama and governmental red-tape I'm trying to work through so I can make it SAFE for me to drive let alone getting to the doctor's to find out what the ******** hell (if anything) is wrong with me.
THEEND.
Lilly_Foxx Community Member 
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