It only seemed right for me to write this here.
dramallama <~ Best emoticon ever btw, still to this day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iUkXY4bORU
ANYWAY.
So, lets do this. I'm not really used to doing little entries like this, mainly because Facebook doesn't have a journal option. lol. Last week I took a leap due to a shirt reference to an ex of mine. Did the little fancy search thing on Facebook, and found the owner of it. I didn't entirely expect the friend request to be accepted, but, I'm not the type to over think things. It was more of a 'Eh, I'll send it, who cares' lol. To my surprise, it was accepted the next day. I then realized I had nothing prepared to say? What was I going to say "Well, I was wearing your shirt, and decided to look you up." lulz. So, I went to my go to phrase..OHMAHGAWDOHAI!!!!!!!!! Yeah, he was probably looking at the screen thinking "Ok, she went nuts over the last 4 or 5 years". Yes, yes I have. Enjoying this random babbling yet, because I am. Anyway, so we got to talking, which apparently led into sarcastic flirting. I wasn't aware it was sarcastic until later. lol. Made me kinda Facepaws in my mind, but owell. Honestly, I wasn't into it at first..Main reason being I knew if I did this, I'd get attached. At the time I thought this to be a bad thing. For the past few months I'd been simply drifting on my own, trying to cling desperately to my independence, and not particularly to any one person for the fact that I'm aware I have 4 kids, and I don't honestly believe many can handle that. Hell, still don't to be perfectly honest. I'll go over that later, Anyway, eventually I allowed him to come over, despite my head screaming "You're dumb as all ********". Honestly, it was awkward at first, which of course causes me to become ridiculous hyper and shifty..Which is really just a step up from the hyper I am naturally, so, not really that big of a deal. Night went on, we wont disclose the exact details, but by the end of the night, I need some type of stew was going on inside of me, which at the time bothered all holy hell out of me. I spent the next day trying to act like it wasn't, speaking as if I were just fine to him. Lets be honest, I was scared. Few reasons for that, 1, obviously I have a huge family to deal with, and little time to go out and do what people without that can. Of course that just makes me feel like a terrible partner, so I usually just leave dating alone all together. 2, I knew he was leaving, and I would end up longing in the end. 3, I'm kinda ******** up, and so is my life currently. Don't get me wrong, I've been super happy on my own, but I still have fits of being super lonely as well. That's to be expected though, I think everyone has that every now and then when they live alone..Nights of realizing it's really quiet and wishing a warm body was laying next to them in bed. That's beside the point. Back on topic. Anyway, despite my better judgement, I allowed him to come over again the next day. It was better the next day.. At the beginning I was trying to fight back the war that was going on inside of me, a battle in which I was losing. By the first hour the battle had finished, I having lost to a deep emotion I couldn't figure out, but accepted none the less. It had seemed, to me anyway, as if no time had passed at all. Within me, it felt as if we'd been sucked into 5 years ago, and I was back to that place, except with more knowledge in hand. I wasn't at all prepared for what I was feeling, but...I wanted to feel it, more than I originally knew. Yet, I wasn't prepared enough to say so, and honestly I'm still a bit afraid to. Mainly due to a fear of them not being shared, and because I know it can't happen right now. I suppose I'm trying to save myself from drowning. Back on topic...I keep straying. Anyway, needless to say the night was nothing less than wonderful. I can honestly say it was one of the most memorable nights in my life as of late. I've never been able to do something so simple as sitting on the back porch, and have such a blissful time with another person. If nothing else comes of this, I atleast walk away with a great memory, and for that I am thankful. Although, a difficult time came out of it as well. Letting him go, and watching him drive away was one of the hardest things in the world. I remember falling asleep soon after he left, but waking up, walking into the kitchen and looking out my front window for a second...Hoping to see him return. Alas I knew better, but it's how I felt, and I was half asleep to boot. Still, I'm not sure how to deal with this, how to proceed from here in my life when it comes to my love life, and what I should do. I've still got that song stuck in my head...The rhythmic melody that was our hearts beating together as we laid together. Oh how I possibly can't forget.
For now...I'm going to end this. I shall write more at a later time. Bai Bai~
