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It seems to me, that the harder I try, the more things get messed up.

When I think, I don't have the normal thought process that other people would have. When I think, I like to say things out loud. Give me a situation, and I will think of all of the different solutions that could, even with the slightest possibility, happen. This creates problems with the people around me. When given a tough situation, they mostly say that there is nothing that can be done about it. But I just keep going and going, trying to find out how I can make a difference. It starts to consume me, I start to get depressed. I need someone to snap me out of it. I get yelled at by people because of this. That may be one of the reasons I try to keep to myself.

Also, I finally got the courage to stand up to someone I love, but at the worst possible time. I am angry at myself for this because I can't get my mind off of how much I messed up. I wish I could say all of the things I want to out loud. I did once, it felt great. I just wish people would say what they really think about me.

Here is how I see myself.
I'm an introverted guy who can be really outgoing when he wants to be. I write, sometimes for fun and for times like this, when my thoughts are creeping up on me and I just have to dump them somewhere. I try hard at things that interest me. These include Aikido, Japanese, Writing, and my various other hobbies. I like to be alone. I like to be with people too. I get lonely just like everyone else. I get lonely when I am with people, it's like a sudden urge to be somewhere else with other people. I get frustrated, but most of the time I can keep a level head. When I blow my top, I turn into a completely different person. This person is more violent, malicious, explosive, petty, and has more self-loathing than anyone I will ever meet. I pretty much hate to get angry, even at the people who very well deserve it.

Lately I have been getting angry as easily as a swan would. I have no idea why. I loathe myself for it. I almost feel good when I get angry. Then afterwords I feel horrible for getting angry. The worst part is, I can't stop thinking about the things that have been getting me angry.

I need to see my friends again soon.