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  • Artist Info: NOOOOOOOEZ!!!<br />
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    You've found my profile! Crap, now I suppose you expect to find something funny here.<br />
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    . Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.<br />
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    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.<br />
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    3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.<br />
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    4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.<br />
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    5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.<br />
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    6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.<br />
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    7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.<br />
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    8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.<br />
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    9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'<br />
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    10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.<br />
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    EVER WONDER<br />
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    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?<br />
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    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?<br />
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    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?<br />
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    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?<br />
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    *Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?<br />
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    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?<br />
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    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?<br />
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    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?<br />
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    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?<br />
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    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?<br />
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    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?<br />
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    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?<br />
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    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??<br />
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    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?<br />
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    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?<br />
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    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?<br />
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    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?<br />
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    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:<br />
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    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( I have no other time to dry my hair).<br />
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    On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?<br />
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    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)<br />
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    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." ( But, it's "just" a suggestion).<br />
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    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well.... a bit late huh?)<br />
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    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...nahhh... Really??...)<br />
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    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)<br />
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    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)<br />
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    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)<br />
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    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?)<br />
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    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)<br />
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    On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)<br />
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    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)<br />
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    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)<br />
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    On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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