He said he'd come over today! I mean, he's been to my house before, but I think I'm finally close to that first kiss! I'd rather if my parents weren't there, after all, I've been to his house while his parents weren't there... God, last time we were so close to kissing it's not even funny. My lips were parted, my breathing heavy and slow...
There wasn't anywhere else we could go, so we went under my bed. Well, he actually went under my bed and since it's basically a "crawl-in" space and there's a door to it I sat in front of the door and held him in. I don't know why, but he started teasing me about liking him. Is that what love is about? I was thirteen, so I didn't know that when he almost choked me it didn't mean he loved me in the proper way. Rather, all the incidents that occurred- nothing past PG rating mind you- were actually just him being controlling.
Now, here I was, about to make the biggest mistake of my life...
"Stop it!" I scream to him, keeping my voice low enough so my parents and siblings in the living room don't hear me. Instead of stopping, he gets worse.
"You only are holding me in here because you like me!"
So what do I do? I crawl under the bed with him... He has a cast on his arm, so he uses that to support himself, he is hovering over me. It's dark and his breath is gently caressing my face- or so it seems.
He starts asking me if I'd ever sing alone to him and how he'd be too nervous to play his instrument alone with just me listening. I mumble some crap about how I'd be too nervous to sing to just him... This is true, though. I don't think I could sing if he was the only one listening...
Then, instead of letting the moment come naturally, he asks me if I want to kiss him. I do, but I don't want to have my first kiss like this. We aren't even dating... The seconds tick by and I feel pressured. I start thinking: If I don't kiss him he's going to stop being my friend. He'll no longer hang out with me and I'll have no friends because he'll make all of our friends hang out with him and not me...
I whisper to him that I'll kiss him, and then he eagerly dives into the kiss, but I keep my lips cold and unmoving. I'm just not into this. His lips are parted and he's trying to force my lips open and use tongue action, but I hold steady. This is NOT what I want.
Finally, the devastating first kiss is over. I crawl out from under the bed, but tell him I have to go to the bathroom.
In the bathroom I lock the door and grab butt wipes and Kleenexes and start to clean off the impurities of my lips. How could I erase this terrible memory? After a while he asks if I'm alright. My parents musn't know and neither should my siblings, I decide. I tell him I'm okay and then I come out of the bathroom.
"Don't tell anyone," I tell him in a shaking voice. He nods and I think he understands, but he doesn't. We go into the living room with the rest of my family and watch a movie. I feel sick to my stomach and cannot wait until he leaves.
The Next Day; Friday
"How could you!?!" a friend of mine but not of his comes up to me a slams me against the wall at school. People are around, but they pay no attention to us. It's a small school, so if she knows they'll know soon, too.
For now, though, I don't have a clue as to what she's saying or what she means.
Then she mumbles something about the kiss and my face flushes. I am as white as the wall I'm pinned up against.
I don't know what to say...
Later that day I see him and we are hanging out. However, he's staring at me like he wants to kiss me again, but better, and I know that he's thinking thoughts I'd wipe from his mind if I could. Never would he even touch me again, NEVER.
I tell him to please stop staring at me but he doesn't. Our friends are confused. What was going on? I wouldn't explain, but since he was coming over again today, regardless of my protests to my mom, I'd have to yell at him for telling anybody. I thought he understood I didn't want anyone to know.
By Monday of the next week everyone knew but our siblings or our parents. The teachers also did not know. I was miserable, and finally, I stopped hanging out with him. He was confused, but I hated him for lying to me. First he told me I was his first kiss, but he'd kissed three other girls. Then he said he wouldn't tell anyone about the kiss, and instead he tells everyone. Everyone assumed we were now dating but I was avoiding him like the plague. When he finally got the hint he told me that my kiss was only worth 68%. He had graded my kiss! Meanwhile, the first person to know- my friend- kept telling me to tell my parents about the kiss. I couldn't, though. Eventually, my favorite teacher and my oldest sister found out. Nobody told my parents, though, and to this day, three years later, they still do not know...
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