• My fingers can’t stop this drumming.
    My heart can’t slow it’s furious thumping.
    My lips can’t halt the spill of tragic words within the lines of a hollow melody.

    My pupils are dilated, the black swarming the green.
    The glassy sheen over my eyes.
    I can’t focus upon your face.
    I can’t focus.
    Couldn’t ever ******** focus.

    The burn of the nicotine being drawn deep into my lungs.
    The flutter of eyelids craving to close, but the weight of guilt keeping them wide.
    I couldn’t keep my lips sealed.
    Couldn’t keep my ******** mouth shut.

    I couldn’t keep the tears from your eyes.
    Couldn’t keep the gasping horror from your lips.
    Couldn’t keep the crimson hidden.

    My fingers can’t stop this drumming.
    My heart can’t slow it’s furious thumping.
    My body can’t stop it’s violent thrashing.

    Perhaps it’s the drug.
    Seeping sluggishly, but thickly through my veins, freezing the nerves.
    Letting the numb return.
    Oh, the numb feeling.
    Numb.
    I think I could say it would be one of my favorite words.

    Apart from redemption and dementia.
    Numb, it’s beautiful.
    It’s lovely.

    The needle still lays embedded in my numb flesh.
    I’ve lost the care to remove it.
    My only thoughts were to get the needle in and push.
    Let the feeling sweep me away.

    The footsteps drawing closer fall on deaf ears.
    I don’t know, didn’t know.
    You didn’t tell me.
    Didn’t say you were coming, didn’t warn me to put up my smile and hide the metal.

    My fingers can’t stop this drumming.
    My heart can’t slow it’s furious thumping.
    I thought I could keep this up.
    But I couldn’t, couldn’t smile.
    You stood in my doorway, thinking I was dead. my body blue, the rush of my heart slowed to a Faint tap against my ribs.
    Maybe I was dead, or at least getting there pretty quickly.
    But wouldn’t that be convenient.

    You wouldn’t have to “care”, wouldn’t have to “check up” on me.
    You’d be free.

    I hold the needle between two fingers, staring at the glint of light flashing off the thin piercing metal.
    My eyes are foggy, this won’t numb me.
    It will bring everything rushing back in a rush of fiery pain, and then I’ll know no more.

    My fingers can’t stop this drumming.
    My heart can’t slow it’s curious thumping.
    My life can’t seem to move fast enough towards the exit.

    My fingers drum the window sill.
    My eyes are unfocused.
    Staring out into the winter wonderland behind the thin, frigid glass.
    The needle is deep within my skin.

    My fingers spasm and stutter in their drumming.
    They fall flat, my lips parted in a silent scream of agony.
    No tears, no sound, no words.

    That fiery flash of life is gone, and was gone long ago.
    Only brought back for mere seconds before everything ended for good.
    Even the numb.