• how do you explain that you no longer know where you end because the fissures and seams between your heart and his are slightly burred, or that you practically crave his arms around you, holding tight, keeping the pieces together, in place? how do you explain that you don't remember how you felt before you fell in love? how do you let go of the doubt and mistrust and fear and control, when those are the things that have kept you safe and [mostly] whole? how do you stop and realize that you have no say in what happens next, and you can't make all of the decisions, you can't take over and make things go how you want them to, because he has his other commitments, too?

    how do you stop and step back, and look at things objectively, and understand that he has to give, has to work, and that you can't have every hour of his time. how do you live with the fact that as soon as he steps foot in that car, there is a chance that he won't come back? that there was nothing else you could have done, short of walking him, hand in hand, through life, through a relationship? how do you find the strength and will to wait wait wait until he proves, through tangible actions that he is in as deeply as you are, that he has truly given heart and soul to make a life with you? how do you stand back and bite your tongue and cheeks and lips and say nothing, nothing to jepordize that fine line between relationship and friendship?

    how do you know if you are doing what you need to, to keep your heart, and his, safe? how do you know what you're doing? or if you'll fall, face first into gravel and broken glass and cacti, and what ever else is in this godforsaken desert? how are you supposed to react when you can see your entire life flash before your eyes and it includes him, standing next to you, and then that little goddamned b*****d in the back of your mind whispers 'but will he work for it? is it worth it to him?' how do you explain that you aren't sure if you'll be able to remember how to breathe after he leaves? how can you possibly put the idea that you aren't sure if you'll be able to walk straight without him at your side, into words? and how in the ******** hell are you supposed to survive like this? how is it that you argue with yourself about whether or not this is how it's supposed to be. if you're supposed to be capable of missing someone this much, if you're supposed to have someone mean this much to you, if this is really safe..

    how do you return to normal, when everything fall apart and he has already left with someone else?