Counting Bodies like Sheep

• Artist: Gothique Jedi
• Description: Feedback?
• Date: 10/14/2010
• Tags: counting bodies like sheep

The back of my eyelids break me down,
Nightmares that play on their screen.
The boogyman's coming to wear his crown,
King of my unconscious scene.

You cannot protect me from my own mind,
Or the future that I self-inflict.
Swaying to the rhythm of a ruined kind,
Treacherous tempo of coming conflict.

The bass line burns as the chords caress,
Melodious murder that medicates.
Parasitic, it plays me into a state of undress,
'Till I'm shedding my dreams and my fates.

Staring out the window at a world in destruct,
Society sleepwalking in ignorant bliss.
When will they wake up and realize we're ********?
Turning their cheek to avoid the death kiss.

Lies like lullabies from their leaders' mouth,
Hushing their bones back to bed.
We won't see sunrise when the sky goes south,
Learned to swim, but we'll still sink like lead.

I'm riding the spiral that's losing control,
While the chaos consumes all creations.
I'll stay with you until it schisms my soul,
And we fall through our fractured foundations.

Comments

[BROWNAVENGER]

I like it, obviously any piece can be improved but contradictory to some of the other opinions, i think it was nice written. The flow of the poem is sometimes disrupted but that could be improved by syllable synchronization or even a steady iambic flow to it. I think it lacks a specific story to it, but I kinda like it with all the chaos your explaining. Its disjointed, which almost adds to the meaning of the content...haha Idk, I liked it, especially your word choice wink Great job!

[NakedJack]

What I mean by planning is, braking your theme down into elements. In this case, a child-like bedtime. Lullabies, instruments, unrest, bed, a window next the bed. Those would symbols and you should give them meaning before you use them. Like reinventing the words. I think, you could create a very nicely flowing image, and give the reads 'why' as well as 'what'.

[NakedJack]

Well, first thing I'd like to point out is, this is a total waste of great theme, some what extended metaphor. The ideas are worn out totally. I mean, it wouldn't be hard to shed new light, as this poem, and 100 like it, are superficial to the point of being fallacious. I suggest, pre-writing research, and some planning.

[ballet595]

OMG! I love this. It is a mixture of haunting dreams and music. It is amazing. 5/5.