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Chapter 1: Summer Break [part 1]

Dear Harry Potter,

This here is your letter for the next school year. I am preparing you for the upcoming term because you’ll be facing another threat and would end up saving Hogwarts…again. This term will be more unpredictable than ever because JKR isn’t writing this. In fact, you might die. Then raised from the dead because there’s no ******** way that you’re gonna die before the 7th book. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your break, before you’ll have to save our sorry asses, again.

Love,
Albus Dumbledore
Harry: Well, that’s the best letter that I’ve gotten all summer.
[Harry is a young man, about 16. He has black shaggy hair and green eyes. He is wearing Lolita. He’s about 5’7 and 120 lbs, and has a body like a track star. He’s also emo.]
Hedwig: Tweet tweet.
Harry: Yes, I know Hedwig. We’re going to spend the rest of the summer at Ron’s.
[Harry grabs his wand and starts cutting himself with the pointy end]
Stupid Dursleys…taking my Lincoln Park away…
Uncle Vernon: Harry, get your damn a** down here! Your freak friend, Ron, is here!
Harry: Coming uncle!
[Harry runs downstairs]
Ron: Harry!
Harry: Ron!
Ron: Harry, I missed you so much.
Harry: It’s all right, Ron. We’re together now.
Uncle Vernon: Bloody hell. Just go already.
Harry: Ok! Bye!
[Dudley’s in the background eating plenty of Big Macs]
[Harry and Ron arrives at the Weasly’s]
Ginny: Oh, Harry! I’ve missed you so! You’ll be sleeping in my room again, sharing the same bed.
Harry: Hi, Ginny, nice to see you again. I see that you’ve finally gotten boobs.
Ginny: Tee hee.
Mrs. Weasly: Oh, Harry! You’re here! I have some crumpets for you.
Harry: Thanks Mrs. Weasly.
[Ron shoves 21 crumpets into his mouth and then swallowed them]
[Ron then grows into a tall guy of about 6’ with fiery red hair and hazel eyes. He wore Axel’s outfit]
Harry: What were in those crumpets?
Ron: Magic.
Harry: Of course. >.>
Mr. Weasly: Ah! Harry. Just the person I wanted to see!
[Mr. Weasly holds up a vibrator]

Now, Harry, can you tell me what’s the function of this? I found it in my office today, saying that this caused many witches to go crazy.
Harry: …uh…well…
Mrs. Weasly: Oh, dear, look at the time! It’s 7:30! It’s time for bed!
All: awwwww
Mrs. Weasly: Well?
All: Good night, Mrs. Weasly. -_-
Five minuets later
Ginny: Oh, Harry!
[squeak, squeak, squeak]
Harry: Ginny, stop humping the bed. I’m trying to sleep.
Ginny: But don’t you feel horny?
Harry: No, I think I’m gay.
Ginny: But, what about your fan girls?
[Harry turned on the light]
[Ginny stood up, showing off her newly matured body. She had fully developed breasts, hips, and legs, long and flowing red hair, hazel eyes, and is wearing Victoria’s Secret lingerie]
Harry: Don’t you know that fangirls like Yaoi?
Ginny: Oh, yeah…
Harry: Well, good night.
The next morning
Ron: Wake up! Hermione’s here!
Harry: What are you wearing Ron?
Ron: Oh… umm… What do you mean? I always wear stuff like this!
[Ron twirls around. He’s wearing Calvin Klein clothes]
Harry: Riight.
Hermione: Harry!
[She hugs him]
Harry: [Hugs back] Hey, Hermione.
[Hermione has long, bushy brown hair. Her teeth are ******** up and her voice sounds kinda bitchy. She’s wearing a pleated mini skirt, polo shirt, knee-high socks, and loafers]
Hermione: Well, before we have to go back to school, we’re going to the beach!
Harry: WTH?
Hermione: JK! We’re going back to school shopping!
Ron: Hey, haven’t you guys noticed?
Harry: Noticed what?
Ron: That we’re just so happy to go shopping for school supplies?
Hermione: Well, that’s because we’re buying wicked cool uniforms, ingredients to make toxic potions, and books to cast more dangerous spells!
Ron: Wow. I never knew we sounded like nerds.
Harry: It’s just a way that JKR want to make school seem fun.
Hagrid: What’s this about JKR?
All: Hagrid!
[Do I really need to explain what Hagrid looks lie?]
Hagrid: You all best be aware not to upset JKR or she’ll kill you off, like Cedric.
Ron: Poor Cedric. Fangirls didn’t see that coming.
Hagrid: So, what are you guys getting today?
Hermione: We’re getting school supplies. ^_^
Hagrid: What? In July? School doesn’t start until September.
Harry: But Hagrid, we want to get a head start!
Hagrid: Well, of coarse!
Ron: Wait, why are you here?
Hagrid: I’m buying a flamethrower. Y’know, to kill those pesty slugs and Slytherins.
[Malfoy walks in]
Malfoy: Sup, losers.
[fangirls scream]
[Malfoy turns around, showing off his Abercombie. He’s wearing Abercombie jeans, a green button down shirt, which is unbuttoned]
Ron: Oh, crap. It’s Malfoy.
[Mr. Malfoy comes to the scene. He’s wearing a black suit with his long sliver hair tied in a ribbon]
Mr. Malfoy: Play nice with the Griffindors, Draco, especially with that Potter.
Malfoy: Yes, father.
[Mr. Malfoy breaks into song]
Ron: Not again.
Mr. Malfoy: [singing] Ohh.. when I was a young boy, my father said to me: you’re going to be a Slytherin, disowning Weeeeeeasleeeeeeees…!
Malfoy: Let’s go father. It’s time for your sponge bath.
Mr. Malfoy: oh! I get to be Spongebob No-Pants!
[Malfoy and Mr. Malfoy leaves]
Harry: I was hoping he’ll break into a Lincoln Park song.
[Harry cuts himself with his wand]
Hermione: Hurry! We have to get our books. I saw two, yes, two students go to Flourish and Bolts!
Ron: Coming dear.
After buying books
Hermione: Oh! We need to get Harry’s birthday present! Tomorrow’s your birthday, right Harry?
Harry: Yeah.
Hermione: What do you want?
Harry: A knife.
Hermione: [anime sweat drop] Anything else?
Harry: Yeah. A Lincoln Park CD and a CD player.
Ron: Right. We’ll meet you by Fred and George’s Joke Shop.
Harry: Fine. Meet you there.
[Ron and Hermione walks off, leaving Harry]
Ron: Oh, Hermione, we’re alone at last.
Hermione: yes, let’s have some fun!
[Ron and Hermione took out their NintendoDS]
R&H: Pokemon battle!
Ron: I still can’t believe that Harry doesn’t like Pokemon.
Hermione: yeah, me neither.
Meanwhile…
Harry: What ridiculous role did you get this time to help the plotline?
Hagrid: What are you talking about? I always have the best parts!
Harry: Well… in the 1st book, you spilled the beans about the Sorcerer’s stone, 2nd lead us to a man-eating spider, 3rd taught us how to control a dangerous animal to save my godfather, 4th told me about the dragon…and…wait… I don’t recall what you doing anything productive in the 5th or 6th year…
Hagrid: Well, if you must need to know, I’m makin’ hybrid plants for Professor Sprout.
Harry: What kind of plant?
Hagrid: I’m not s’pose to tellin’ you that!
[Ron and Hermione comes]
R&H: We got your presents!
Harry: woo hoo
Ron: Well, we’re off the the Burrow.
All: Bye Hagrid.
Hagrid: Bye. And don’t get yer-selves into trouble! Wait, who am I kidding?
Back at the Burrow
Mrs. Weasly: Ah! You’ve returned! How did the shopping go?
Ron: Fine, Mom
Mrs. Weasly: Oh, Ronald. I’ve gotten you these adorable lace panties!
Ron: Moooom!
Mrs. Weasly: oh. I mean boxers.
[Ron’s face turns to the color of his hair]
[Just then, a school owl comes]
School owl: tweet wheet!
Harry: He’s saying he ahs a letter for me from Hagrid.
School owl: ORLY?
Harry: YaRLy
Ron: Just read the letter.
Letter: Dear Harry,
I’ve done sum research and found out what I did in the 5th and 6th books! In the 5th, I trained a school of ninja, who helped you and your posses when you went to the Ministry of Magic. In the 6th year, I trained Pokemon to protect Dumbledore, but they were still eggs… Well, anyway, I have your birthday present! Happy Bithday!
Truly Yours,
Hagrid
P.S. Do I really have a last name?
Harry: Oh, yeah. Remember those ninjas? They sure helped us.
Hermione: Pokemon’s real?
Ron: Well, anyway, let’s fast forward to Harry’s birthday.