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Chapter 5: If you can see into the future…

Ron: Our teacher’s late again.
Harry: Hey, Ron, let’s put the eraser over the door and it’ll fall and a cloud of chalk will hit the teacher.
Ron: Sweet.
Voice: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
[a semi-obese black girl came into the classroom]
[applause]
Ron: Who’s applauding?
Voice: I’m your divination teacher, Raven!
Students: Who?
Raven: Raven! Y’know, from That’s So Raven.
[a black guy and a redhead came in]
[the That’s So Raven theme song started playing]
Student: Who are you guys?
Black guy: Eddie.
Redhead: I’m Chelsea.
Ron: Professor?
Raven: Yeah?
Ron: Can you really see into the future?
Raven: Have you seen my show?
Ron: No.
Raven: Oh! Well, for the majority for the school year, we’ll watch my show!
[groans]
Raven: Oh, snap! That’s what happened in my vision.
[Oooooh]
Chelsea: Now, Ray, you don’t want to get off on the wrong foot.
Eddie: WTH?
Chelsea: Oh, y’know, Ray, she.. oh, never mind.
Eddie: Yo, Ray!
Raven: Yeah, Eddie?
Eddie: Why don’t you show them your powers.
Raven: Good idea, Eddie!
Harry: Wait! Why did the white girl seem stupid and you black people seem cool?
Chelsea: What are you talking about? I’m smart! [knocks over crystal ball] Heh, whoopsies! I guess that crystal ball didn’t see that in its future!
Raven and Eddie: [laughs all retarded] uh, no!
Harry: See what I mean?
Raven: What do you mean?
Harry: You guys portray white people as either ditzy people, beat necks, vegetarians, racists, and stereotypes while black people are portrayed as cool people that’ll solve all the problems.
Raven: But Disney wrote our scripts!
Eddie: [whispers] Take Disney out and we’ll stop doing all this s**t.
Big Booming Voice: Eddie! Step into the light!
Eddie: Yes, Disney.
[Eddie steps into the light and implodes]
Big Booming Voice: Let that be a lesson to all of you!
Ron: Oh, snap! Harry, I think that the threat is Disney!
Big Booming Voice: No, Ron. I’m not the real threat. I’m villain number 3.
Ron: Welp! That’s all I needed to know!
[Ron starts leaving the room]
Big Booming Voice: Don’t leave the room! Ho-ho!
Ron: Why should I?
Big Booming Voice: Do you want to end up like Eddie?
Ron: Nah, I’m too smexy.
Big Booming Voice: You got me there.
Harry: So, what’s left for this chapter?
Raven: We need to do some visions!
Chelsea: But, Ray! We need to teach them the fundamentals!
Raven: Chelsea, I know what I’m doing.
Chelsea: Ok, Ray…
[Raven takes out a crystal ball from Harry and Ron’s table]
Raven: Wow. I see… Fog! Yes! Fog in your future.
Harry and Ron: -_-
Raven: Wait a sec. Isn’t there a brown hair girl with y’all?
Ron: She quit this class during our third year.
Raven: Oh… [that eye thing happen and a vision occurs]
Harry: Professor?
[Raven has an expression like she had climaxed]
Raven: OOOOOHHH SNNNNAAAAAAAAP!
[Sperm came out of her]
Students: Eww! Mayo!
Harry: I don’t think that’s mayo. -_-
Ron: Professor? What happened?
Raven: Oh! I just had a vision!
Harry: What did you see?
Raven: Oh, I saw Harry fighting this giant cat. And Eddie starring in a Michael Jackson music video!
Ron: What do you know about the giant cat?
Raven: Well, that’s Hagrid’s new pet, Cheese. It’s a hybrid of an elephant and a toad.
Chelsea: Look, Ray! I’m flying! It’s just like magic!
[Harry walks over to these purple curtains, pulls them open, and sees fat guys pulling ropes to suspend Chelsea in a harnest]
Harry: -_-
Audience: uh, ooh!
Fat Guy: Op! I guess I’m the magic maker!
Harry: That wasn’t funny! [evil glare]
Raven: Yes, it is!
Harry: Are you guys high or incredibly stupid?
Raven: I can assure you that we’re not high.
Chelsea: I’m both!
Ron: So, Chelsea… I was wondering if that’s your natural hair color.
Chelsea: Of course! I’m a tree hugger!
Raven: [does infamous squeal] Oh, girl, he be flirtin’ witchu!
Ron: No, I’m just bored.
Raven: You’re lying. I know you want him.
Ron: Yeah, you’re right. I do want some side action.
[Ron jumps Chelsea and starts making out with him]
Harry: Eww. That looks nasty.
[Hermione walks in]
Hermione: Ron! How dare you!
Ron: It’s not what it looks like. Wait, yeah. It does.
[Hermione looks at Chelsea, who is naked]
Hermione: She’s really a man, Ron.
Ron: Oh, that’ll explain the p***s.
Chelsea: Nuh-uh! I’m a hermaphrodite! There’s a difference! Duh!
Hermione: oh, well, sor-ry!
Raven: Well, let’s get on with class.
[Raven looks at Hermione]
Who are you?
Hermione: I’m Ron’s girl!
[Hermione storms off to whatever the hell her class is]
Raven: Chelsea, get dressed.
Chelsea: But Ray! I wanna be nakie!
Ron: Harry Potter and the Naked People?
Harry: It didn’t work in Chapter 1, so why do you think it’ll work in this chapter?
Ron: Just wait and see…
Chelsea: Who wants to join?
Ron: I’ll join you!
[Ron takes off his clothes]
Random student #1007: Divination orgy!
[Everyone but Harry takes off their left shoe]
Ron: Join us Harry!
Harry: Um, no.
Ron: Ok, everyone! I have this detailed map of how to do and orgy with 30+ people! Ok, good, now start jumping!
[Record screeches]
Announcer: Warning! The following scene contains XXX material and shouldn’t be read in the fanfic. Instead of showing you our regular scheduled program, we will show you Hagrid naked!
[Hagrid officially flashes you]
Harry: Yeah, I’m now gonna cut my eyes out now.
Announcer: We will now continue with or originally scheduled program. If you need to recuperate after seeing Hagrid naked, go masturbate and have a friend watch you. Have a nice day now!
Ron: Hey, Harry, I’ll watch you masturbate!
Harry: No.
Draco: What about me?
Harry: dot, dot ,dot. Maybe tonight.
Ron: Hey, let’s have a flashback of that orgy…
Raven: No, Ron, we have to get on with this chapter.
Chelsea: Hey! I know what we can do. Let’s have another flashback!
Harry: How bout a recap?
Chelsea: A recap is like a flashback, dummy.
Harry: No, we’ll discuss what happened, not making a scene all black and white to show exactly what we did.
Chelsea: Oh, well, go right on and recap.
[Harry recaps]
Harry: Can we end this period all ready?
Raven: Wait until the end of the page.
Harry: Why?
Raven: Because I’m the professor.=]
Harry: ********
Raven: Well?
Harry: I dunno. You’re the teacher.
Ron: Blimy, Harry. Just use spam!
Harry: Bump
Bump
Bump
Bump
Bump
Raven: I hope Disney gets you.
Ron: Aint he a stinker?