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Chapter 4: Double, Double, toil in… uh…

Harry: I hate these dungeons…
Malfoy: Sup, Potter.
Harry: Hi, Malfoy.
Malfoy: Seems like we have Potions together, again. =]
Ron: What’s that s’pose to mean?
Malfoy: Mind your business, Weasly!
Ron: Hell no! Is there gonna be a yaoi scene?
Malfoy: Maybe…
Harry: -_-
Snape: Ok! Shut your mouths and sit your asses in your seats.
Ron: Damn… stupid Michael Jackson look-alike.
Snape: Hello Miss Granger.
Hermione: Hello, Professor.
Snape: Last night’s “late-night detention” went well. Can’t wait for tonight’s.
Hermione: Uh… yeah… me too…
[Hermione limps over to her seat]
Snape: Now, I can make many, magical potions and s**t, because I’m your teacher. Now, the first thing we’ll make is L’oreal shampoo.
Students: Groan
10 minutes later…
Snape: Now, let’s make our own L’Oreal commercial.
Students: WTF?
Snape: Well, I made a video camera with potions and we’ll show it to other students… Neville!
Neville: [in super high squeaky nerdy voice] Yes, Professor?
Snape: You made dog s**t.
Neville: Oh…so that’s what it is.
Snape: Here. [hands Neville chopsticks] Eat that s**t.
Neville: Aww man… [Neville starts eating s**t]
Snape: Now, look at Miss Granger’s.
[Hermione has created strawberry L’Oreal shampoo]
Very well done, Granger.
Hermione: Thank you sir.
Snape: Come by my office after class to receive your “extra credit.”
[Hermione blushes deep red]
Snape: Now with the shampoo commercial.
[A shoot scene appeared]
C’mon, c’mon, show me your naughty side. C’mon everyone’s naughty… face the back, now turn your head around and do a classic L’Oreal pose!
Neville: This dog s**t tastes like s**t!
Snape: too bad, Longbottom!
Ron: Oh…snap…the s**t’s multiplying!
Harry: Oh, no. Where’s my knife?
[Kakashi appears]
Kakashi: Spinning shirgan!
Shape: woo… spiny eye!
[Snape starts eating s**t]
Harry: Eww… Snape’s eating s**t.
Ron: No s**t, Harry.
Snape: A-he!
[Snape starts dancing to Thriller]
Harry: What…the…hell?
Snape: Cuz it’s the thriller! Thriller… all night and day…
Ron: Where’s that music coming from?
Harry: Ok…enough random s**t! Let’s end this damn chapter!
Snape: WTH was I doing?
Kakashi: You were… uh…doing interruptive dancing.
Snape: Oh, Mr. Potter. Our new celebrity…
Harry: WTF?
Snape: Come here, Harry and pose for the camera.
Harry: You sound like Lockheart.
Snape: Well, that’s because me and Lockheart are sharing a body.
Ron: Eww.
Lockheart: Harry, my boy! Nice to see you revived!
Harry: Hi, Lockheart. [cuts himself]
Lcokheart: Now, now, Harry. No need to cut yourself.
Harry: But I need to.
Hermione: But! I thought Lockheart lost his memories at the end of the 2nd book.
Hagrid: Hermione! No spoilers!
[flashes Hermione]
Hermione: NOoooooo!
Random Lady: Are you suffering from seeing Hagrid naked? We, at SHNAHL, which stands for Seeing Hagrid Naked Association Help Line, help those you cope with seeing Hagrid naked.
[Screens to random people]
These people have seen Hagrid naked and are recuperating from the incident. SHNAHL is a recovery program and it’s only 1000 sickles per session. Please call-
[Hagrid flashes Random Lady]
Hagrid: On with the story.
Lockheart: Well, Snape offered me his body and I regained my memories!
Harry: Are you a villain?
Lockheart: Yeah. I’m generic villain #12.
Harry: Who are the first 11?
Lockheart: I’m not telling you!
Harry: Figures.
Ron: Is there any other significance to this chapter?
Hermione: Let’s have a flashback of what happened a few minutes ago!
Harry & Ron: HELL NO!
Snape: I have the Hero’s sword.
Harry: Do we need to steal it from you?
Lockheart: You guys are wizards and witches. You don’t need a sword.
Harry: But what about the second book?
Lockheart: Hey! JKR needed something different instead of zapping spells. Besides, using a sword is a lot cheaper to use than magical sound effects.
JKR: Die, Lockheart. You’re no longer needed in the series.
[JKR uses her giant pencil to erase Lockheart]
Now that that’s done, this chapter can have a happy ending… Oh, who am I kidding?
Ron: So, uh, JKR, ma’am. Are you going to give me a girlfriend?
JKR: Sorry, Ron. Even though you and Hermione seems to be a great couple, I decided you won’t successfully hook up with anyone. But maybe a fanfic writer will hook you guys up.
Ron: Hey! Person who’s writing this fic!
Fanfic Writer: Who? Me?
Ron: Yeah! You! Hook me up with someone!
Fanfic Writer: Ok… you whiny hardass.
[POOF. Hermione and Ron are a couple]
Readers: WTF? Aww…
[Hermione and Ron kiss]
Snape: Grr…[shaking with rage]
Hermione: Oh, Ron.
Snape: Granger!
Hermione: Sorry, Professor. I’ve reported you to the authorities about child molestation rape.
Snape: Damn. Foiled again.
Harry: Oh, look. It’s 2nd period.