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I hate blogs.
I had one in high school and it basically just turned into me complaining.
I keep telling myself that one day I'm going to have a 'real' blog...filled with insightful comments and what not.

But here I find myself. I feel the need to write. I don't know why. And I don't care who reads. I just need to be 'emo' for a minute and get my feelings out.

...

He is leaving. And it makes me sad. He's already two hours a away. He is about to be half way around the world. I knew this day would come. I didn't prepare for it.
I told myself I was other him. There were people after him. I didn't particularly care for them. But they were there. I moved passed him enough to engage with others.
I even talked about him. With little to no feeling. Told my friends. They were amazed.
I knew I could never forget him. But I thought I could be without him. I have been for the past three months. But then one day he sends me a polite message saying he is leaving the country.

And it all comes back. The good times. The train trips. The break up. I miss it all. I would break up with him ten times over if he would just stay here. Live in distant silence like we have been if he would just stay here. I don't have him now, and I won't when he leaves. So why does it bother me? I thought I had reached some resolution after the break up. I hadn't thought of him in months. But it all happened.

Wasted 40 minutes and 500 yen. I didn't want to go there. But I thought maybe if I went I could go. That along the way I'd convince myself. I DO want this. I really do. But not know. You want it more than I do. I appreciate your help. I didn't mean to do this to you. I got there and told you I was outside. And I could not:go:in. I could not force myself to. To save my life. And in that minute I decided that it was 'ok' to be selfish. To just run. Break the promise. Let you down. It was ok. I saved myself. But I hurt you and myself. The same way I did it to myself and him. And I felt it. IT FELT THE SAME. The hurt. The blame. The pain. I could do nothing but think about him. And then he mailed me.

Crying my eyes out at the computer. Signing on looking for a sign. And it was there. In my inbox. The voice from the other side of the mountain. Breaking the three month silence. As polite as he was with his final phone call. Saying I'd probably be on break when he leaves for good. And he said the words I was dying for days after the break up. "I still believe your a good guy."
Still believe.
He never stopped believing. I did. I thought I was the lowest person on earth. So selfish. But he saw right through me. Saw what I could not. Lots of people say they do that. Like I'm living life with eternal board blindness, too close to myself to actually see me. But with him, I could actually feel it. I WANTED to feel it. To see what he saw.

And I'm beginning to.

But he is leaving.

But if his mail could come at such a time like it did, I can only hope that it will happen again in the future. On a day just like yesterday.

When I am at my lowest, he will be there.
I believe it.