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Hi. well, new update. my dad has a girlfriend. wait, i'm changing that. he had a girlfriend, dumped her, and then got another girlfriend who's ten years younger than him. yes, she's great, and yes she's changed him. but i'm miserable.
Not that that's so much different from usual. i mean seriously, i hate high school. there is nothing i like about it whatsoever. even seeing my friends, they just...i don't know. i try to act all happy, but you know what i'm getting kind of sick of it. all this happy stuff is a load of s**t. wow that sounded really emo. but you know what i don't even care right now. i've lost my one support that's been holding me up. of course i've told you all about her. she's let me down so many times, i don't think i can count on her anymore. she hurt me so bad. not that i'm perfect. yes, i can be a huge b***h when i'm pissed off. i scare the s**t out of some people. but you know what when your crying and vulnerable and you go to someone to talk and they pretty much tell you to piss off, it hurts a little. yes, i still love her, i always will and i'll always listen to her when she needs me, but i can't count on that from her. i'm back by myself again.

Why can't i count on any of my friends for support, you might ask. well, none of them know me. none of them. Even my best friend for nine years doesn't know who i am. what i've been through. hell she doesn't even care to ask. and i guess they have no reason to. i mean why would you ask a perfectly happy and smiling person what's wrong? why she cries at night. you wouldn't. you don't. and you know what if i suddenly started talking to one of them about my problems they'd probably freak out. so what does that leave me with? nothing. nothing at all. i'm stuck and i'm sick of it. i'm sick of these ******** houses and the stupid people in them. i hate how much my mom's in pain and how my dad's so happy he doesn't give a rat's a** about anyone but his girlfriend. i hate how he treats her better than he EVER treated my mom in my memory. that's horrible. and i hate it. that's one of the major things i hate about him. But i'm glad to see him happy. that makes me happy too.

Loraine was my support. she was my everything. i just can't count on it anymore. i want to break down and cry on someone, but you know what? then that person would never look at me the same. with the same respect. my friends (i don't know about school, but pretty much everyone else), they respect me because they know the basics of what i've been through and they think it's amazing how i can still be so strong and not have it affect me. well let me tell you i'm just about the most emo person in the world, but you wouldn't know that.

my mom's going to crack soon. i see it in her face. her reactions, her emotions, her overall mood. one day she's going to be pushed too far, and she's going to crack. it's killing me seeing her like this. and yet she still manages to make me feel horrible about myself. she's always pale, and she hardly sleeps or eats. she throws stuff and screams all the time. but she still loves me and i know that. which is why it's killing me. i feel like i have to fix it, but i don't know how. i'd give anything in the world to fix it. i hate how my dad can be so happy and my mom so...not.

i hate myself for soo many things. yelling and screaming and depression have become such a normal at my house that i don't even react to it anymore. i hate that i don't seem to care. i hate that i make my mom sad and my dad angry. i hate that my sister hates me, and i don't know how to fix it. i hate the decisions i've been making these days, to escape the pain. it works momentarily, but at what price? i hate myself even more. i feel pitiful, like i can't control anything. i have to feel pitied for my own reassurance. i hate that. i hate pity. and yet it's a comfort. i want to cry, and i hate it. i hate myself for wanting to cry. why the hell do i have the right to cry? how many other people out there have it worse than me, and you don't see them bawling all over the place. no crying. i feel ugly and stupid, yet no one tells me i'm pretty, which hurts. i know i'm not pretty. fact of life, there you go. i just want to cry. but i can't make myself do it. usually an event will trigger something to happen and then i'll cry for a loong time. but then i feel weak. i can't cry. don't cry. don't cry. laugh. laugh for your family and friends. laugh so they can't see the pain.

i don't even feel like my own person right now. sometimes i think i'm just going through the motions of life but not really caring what happens. putting up christmas decorations this year was a nightmare. i cried so hard when my dad was going to ruin the christmas decorating that had become a tradition since i was born in my house. all of the memories in those toys he kept squashed in a tub, and didn't even want to take out. oh how i cried. i cried for my lost family, my lost unity with my mom and dad. i wish...i wish...i wish with all my heart they could love each other. it's what i want the most in the world. but i know it's not going to happen, which breaks my heart every single day. all of the laughter that i'll never hear again, all of the smiles...well at least one of us can be happy. congrats, dad. you got the girl.

i feel so vulnerable. if anyone came up to me right now i'd start crying. i am as it is already. but you know what? i have a goal.

Before i die, sometime in the future, i want to look on my brother's face, my sister's face, my mom's face, and my dad's face, and i want them to be happy. i want them to be completely happy with their life. they deserve it. not me. will i ever be completely happy? i hope so. i want one of my smiles to be real. i want to smile because i ******** feel like smiling, not cause i have to. that'll be the day...