Diary,
You well know of my newly found avatar. The vampiric with a demonic soul. My first intentions on creating such an avatar, was an excuse to express my inner most feelings. Alas, I let out too much at one time. I don't believe I will fully get rid of my profile, it is yet a way to still vent out the sad and darkened part of me. No one seems to know what is wrong with me. I myself don't know. I have a theory of why I let myself get so upset. The fading sensation I once felt before Youssef and I returned together. He had been gone for so long, I felt we had no longer any connections. To be truthful, once with him, I would feel oddly peculiar. As if, I was talking to a complete stranger. It felt so outrageous.
As a result, I felt no love at the time. And a lot of loneliness. I went onto my profile and vented out the lonliness and depression I felt at the time. Which was very little. But then somehow all my depression escaped. When I went to my profile, I changed it to complete darkness and decay. A lot of my friends viewed it and believe I am turning Emo. I don't believe I am, just venting. I would vent to Youssef, but depression can be contagous. I only wish to have my feelings out. Not to be causing more depression.
I have a theory : Of all my anger, sadness and lonliness I have ever felt, all the tears I never cried when I almost did, I stored away. I never knew where, but I believe now, all that pain, suffering, and anger is stored in my heart. I have noticed, whenever Im really upset I have chest pains. None like previous. Usually, my chest pains are piercing completely across my chest through my back and then repeats. But this pain I have now is only on my heart... litteraly. Its a pain that I scream over -- its hurts so much. Only over my heart area. I bottle up my emotions in a sense of looking at it. And I bottled it all in my heart. Im assuming it became overflown and had to be released of most of it. Which I believe has been done on my profile.
Last night, before bed, I cried for a whole hour straight -- I feel much better now. Yesturday when I viewed my profile, after Youssef made me smile once again, I was afraid. I was scared to know that such darkness is within me. It still makes me wonder, (just like from the poem) : "Am I an Angel of peace and love? Or an Angel of darkness and death?". I cried for a whole hour, then sat there on my bed wiping away my tears, thinking of Youssef, and smiling a full hearted smile.
The death I do not refer to of suicide. Merely of lifelessness. A empty bodily shell without its soul to want to smile, or a heart that wants to love. That is what I mean.
Now, I can look at my profile and not feel fear. But enjoy the music that is there and sing along. I don't feel fear, I feel as if I have accepted what I have. I don't have much for a heartache. No longer at least. I'll be fine though. Youssef worried of me, but he no longer as to. At least for a few months.
I owe him so much. He hasn't realized what he truly has done. Because of him, I was able to open up enough to let my emotions out. And then soon, I could let it all disappear. I am so greatful. Tonight we are having a movie date. Since we can stay up, possibly we'll go on the microphones. I don't know if its a really good idea seeing as I have no headphones. He'd hear himself and the movie. Hehe, I think that'd be pretty wierd. At least we could know if we were at the same timing... lol.
Anyways, I have to go now. I don't feel really good... I have an empty tum tum ^.^ Need to fill it biggrin Bye for now Diary ^.^
Until tomorrow beckons,
Farewell Diary,
Snow-Crystal Angel~
NakatamiHigurashi Community Member 
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