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Happiness comes with a very steep price. Its like the process of climbing an immeasurably large hill only to see that your goal lies a thousand times as high on a pillar made of glass. Its a beautiful and heavenly thing that we all see no matter if we know its worth of not, but its a thing that also takes with it any hope that we might be okay again. That climb is too great to be taken for anything less than the gift of living, and too vast to be taken without knowing what you risk, and too far to take anything you love for caution. Loving someone is like climbing that pillar of a glassy smooth face and knowing at each step that you might die; And truly feeling love is knowing this with a sense of joy.

I love her so much that it hurts and yet my pillar comes to me in two forms. Love is a pillar, and for this time alone I have found that even the world around is a roadblock that seems to want to consume me without regrets. She called me, this one that I love so much, from the other end of the land and told me that there were but one chance and that the grand chance was then and how it was. She called me again and I knew that it was love and nothing else. And now she called this very moment and stole me free of breathing when she said that this chance was being built and that I was being told that I was being made to see it. And the world ceased to allow this to work for this was the last chance to see it work.

And now I know why I am needed. I have heard her life, and I swear that I will make this work because she deserves so much more than what she has been given by those people that try to say they had loved her. I have been hurt, but this is a chance to see true pain.

No, I am right. She deserves the moon, and I will give her whole damn sky.

Here is a musing from my hand. Enjoy.
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Bold Regret of Tomorrow
Everything that I had felt for is made absolute when I think of what may come
The pain that had torn a great hole in my heart is returning
Even seeing your face can make me scream in silence
Simply having to think about the things that cannot happen makes me think of others
There were old ladies, widowed, talking in the park
There were couples who were happier than I'll ever be
There was a stupid f***ing mistake that I called her back
She was with another man not a week after she was 'too busy' for a film

There was a note left in my door
There was a threat that I might love
There was a chance, if you are real and true, that I might love again for once
And there was a gun in a pawn shop down the road
Twenty bucks and a pack of old YuGiOh cards was the price that the man had asked
When I saw the thing I thought about only you, and I thought about what will happen
These sort of things don't happen to the sort of man like me
And so I asked to try that gun

Heavy steel lay in my palm today and I thought about her face
We said that we would get married so long ago
She said she would have sex with me that summer
Third grade memories returned because that steel felt so cold
And through it all I saw you like a man would a woman
Damn the slave's eyes
For when they have been shown the sight I have
They are made fit only to be lost

That is what I am
Lower than man
Not quite so loved as a beast
And yet higher than the scum of your shoe
A slave
A fool
A man without hope
I am lost and I know it
For love is something I am not allowed by fate

A firm barrel met the back of my throat
The oldish man behind the counter yelled
He said I had to pay before I did anything stupid
I thought of my life before I met you
There was so much pain that I was happy
I relished that, you know, and you stole it from beneath me
I think the clerk said something else
But I smiled because my finger snapped back and the barrel lit

There was noise
He may have said that there was no use
Because that heat was alone
Without the bullets my steely friend was nil
I had to return that funny little friend
The clerk told me to leave and I think I told him 'thanks'
These days are all a blur anyhow

In fact, I can see it fairly sickly
Every since I met you these days have been a series of beautiful blurs
Sad, probably
But I know that something like me
Can never have something like love
With someone so immaculate as you

When I gave that gun back to the man I thought of her
The one I'd loved over cold cheese and a broken PSX
Everyday had been the best ever had
Hearing her voice was like being lashed against the gates of bliss
Nothing mattered as much as she, and I was perfect in her eyes
And then, like my gun with no ammo, it was gone
She had never loved me, there was no bliss
There were no words, there was no life
It had all been a simple prayer and I was perfect
Perfectly alone

That gun
It was cold
And it had one bold regret of tomorrow

That you might wake to see me as flawed
That I might have found the one thing that made every memory null
That we might meet after half a year of bleeding
And cross paths only to die without exchanging glances

That gun, those regrets of tomorrow
I hate everything that I haven't even done

Because I'm not perfect like the one I love

Clink
I pulled the safety
Having sold my watch for cash
Crock
The chamber set
Those cards, dueling for my eye beside the lamp
Click
There went the hammer down
I went back there today and gave him what he asked
Shake
I was scare
Grip
I was weak
Click
Crock
Click
Click
Boom
I let the trigger talk

And it whispered your name as he said the gun was sold

Click
Click
Boom
Because I'm not perfectly like the one I love
It had all been a simple prayer and I was perfect in one sense
That I was perfectly alone
And I was left with two tens, a dozen cards, and a bold regret of tomorrow

For if I am wrong, I have nothing left to love but twelve cards and bus fair to Marion county.