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damn it. Everything is starting to feel worthless where I am, like no matter what I do I just want to curl of and die. This is a fugging nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from... And the hell is worth my time? I've got a final I need to be writing, and every fing time I sit down to right it I start to eye the IM bar in hopes that she's send me a message. We spoke seven hours ago and I already want to claw my eyes out so I won't have to fing see the sidebar lingering with Laharal, Neko, and AZ just mocking me while I try not to cry into the craterous gaps between my keys. I just fing hate this. All of this is making me feel insane.

I could rant aimlessly for hours, and everytime I do I end up pick through it to find some fing answer as to why I'm so fd up in the head over this....

I just sorta want to die just to make this stop.

But, I suppose thats the most counter-productive thing ever, huh? I want to see her face so badly and this webcam isn't cutting it anymore. I want to be able to go to her and to embrace her in my arms and to tell her that everything will be okay and that she is perfect to me and that if there is any gap I will fill it with my own body that she might need not strain herself to leap. She is my everything and yet I've never once been blessed to smell her hair. I love her too much for this to be real.

Four months, six hundred dollars, and a lifetime worth of despair lay between us for the time, and I know that when those four magical days are over I will have to return to my life here. i don't know what that will do to me.... I can live for her alone and for the hope that I can see her soon. But when that weekend with her is over what else is there to keep my heart alive? What's the point in doing anything when the one you love so absolutely cannot be touched? Why should I even care what happens to me once I taste the fruit of Eden and am thrown back out into the world where everything is gray and all I have to eat is my own wretched sense of despair? I love her too much to say good bye. And yet I can never hope to stay by her side as guardian and provider when I have so little to just suffice myself.
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The Afterdeath
Kill me cupid
Load the tip of yonder bow
With arsenic
And little dips
Of cyanide and blow
Tag my weary heart God
For I am my own foe
And kill me
Kill me
And take me from this show