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[size=9][color=green] I know how you feel. Yeah, you probably hear that a lot. "Oh, I know how you feel. It'll be ok.." That's what everyone says. But I'm serious. 1. Recently, someone very close to me signed back online after being off for.. months. I was excited and happy - I'd been so worried - but though they signed on, they didn't check the mail I'd sent them while they were gone, and they hadn't bothered contacting me. They haven't signed on any messengers, and they haven't responded to me. This is because they sent me their address, but right after they were gone, I accidently deleted it. They were pissed that I hadn't written them, I suppose, but.. they won't listen to me, let alone apologize. 2. My writing skills have been lacking lately. Bad. People are always poking at me and telling me it's great - but it really hasn't been for weeks now. It's.. missing.. what it used to have. It might still be decent, but it sucks to me. 3. I've been doing horribly in two of my classes. I'm not an idiot. They're not hard. Yet for some reason I'm doing badly in typing. TYPING. How the ******** do I get bad grades in friggan typing? I spend ALL afternoon online typing!! But it's because I can't focus when typing someone else's handout, so I can never finish it.. but I need to get a good grade in that class to take Web Design.. but part of me wants to just say screw it and give up. 4. Emotional Wreck. Those are two words that seemed to be printed across my forehead. I've been on medication before because of it. So.. trust me.. I know where you're coming from. That feeling where you wonder what the use is. That dark, heavy feeling of worthlessness that seems to drag you down into a slumped position and makes tears sting at your eyes, makes you wanna scream and hit the wall, but you can't sum up the energy. So you just sit. Sit and wish that you could not leave the house or do anything but maybe role play on Gaia or listen to music, pretending that there's nothing else in the world. I've been - and still am - on that road. I know exactly where you're coming from. But.. as dry, as weak as this is going to sound: It's not always going to be a cloudy, damp day. I promise you that. I'm not much help.. But.. still, we're all here for you, Sin. A lot of us know how you feel, and maybe people other than I reading this are going through the same things. but.. we can't give up. We can't toss in the towel. Because no matter how many times 'I want to die' slips into your head, you can't listen - DO NOT LISTEN. It's no joke.. maybe right now you don't actually think you're capable of making yourself die.. but if you think that long enough.. it becomes a little whisper in the back of your head, coaxing you, telling you it'll all be okay if you just end it. That is NOT ******** true. I didn't know that before, but I've realized it now. *Sigh* I'm not a big help. But I couldn't just not comment.. [/color][/size]

You know, you've no doubt forgotton me.. but thats not the important issue here.

Basically, from what i've read, your having a tough time.. stick to it though, when your at the bottom things can only get better no?

[quote]1. Neata hasn't spoken to me for two weeks now. She probably hasn't even read my email at all. I can only apologize so much. What the hell does she expect from me? Why won't she just answer? Is she refusing to get online so she doesn't enounter me? So she doesn't get any email from me? Did she change her email address so that I couldn't contact her? What am I supposed to do?![/quote] a) I haven't been online for two weeks...i had my father's birthday, organising to get 30 people in one place at the same time for a gathering (and only 13 of them turned up >> *slaps zekeroth for being a no-show*), have my nephew's birthday coming up, and to top it all off i've been really sick. You're not the only one that hasn't heard from me you know. b) I have read your e-mail. numerous times, but i really don't know what to say. You're not the only one who's hurting here. I've been hurting and stressing for months. MONTHS. that doesn't erase so quickly. it'd be nice but people can't just forget things at choice. especially something that hurts them really deeply. It's hard to have my life at the best of times. my school life is hectic, and trying to keep up with all my offline friends, and online friends is hard, not to mention my family. spend a dsay in my shoes with the sisters i have and you know it's gonna be busy! chuck in two nephews under five and it's chaos. at the moment, things are quieter because it's the holidays. but during school, i have enough to stress about without having to panic that my best friends are going to bring me down every time i talk to them like you have for the past months. It just got to a point where i was sick of it and couldn't take it anymore. the fact that i've been feeling ikki kinda contributed to my going off that day though. c) (kinda continued from last) i hadn't said anything for a good reason. people had said to you about it before. and all you did then was b***h about them to me. as if i'd say something when i knew it would make no difference! people had told you time and time again that you did it, and you didn't do anything about it. i thought, that over time, you'd go back to being the you, you used to be. happier, more easy going, less 'the world is against me' and not 'i'll bring the world down with me.' i know you never meant to do it. but after people said to you about it, you should've at least tried to fix it. I've stuck with you through alot of things...ALOT of things. But part of what makes me, me, is my happy nature, that i'm happy almost ALL off the time. even if i'm tired, or sick, i have a smile on my friends. even if things are going back for me, i keep a smile on my face and be as happy as i can because it keeps me going. When one of your best friends starts to bring you down and starts to take that away. of course i was gonna run scared. That's why i haven't replied to that e-mail. i don't know what to say, and you've done it to people before, and not stopped, i'm worried you'll do it again. whether you mean to or not. d) I haven't changed my e-mail address. i'm not petty enough to change an e-mail addy to stop one person e-mailing me...30+ people...yes okay i'm guilty of that...but that was because of an address leak my someone i truely hate *kicks Dayna* for one person, i wouldn't change my address. if i was avoiding one person, i would block their address from my mail alltogether. which i also, haven't done with you. e) I don't know what you can do. The thing with hurting people deeply, is that the hurt is deep down and hard to get to to make it better...so i really...really don't know... Alot more needs to be said but...i've ranted enough, i'm tired, and i think i'm gonna be sick again x.x (and before you start blaming yourself for making me that stressed i'm sick, it's not your fault...i caught a bug from Nephew #2) So, i think that's it from me. I will get around to replying to your e-mail...as soon as i can think of what to say. like i said, more needs to be said than what i just wrote here. but...for some reason i'm finding it hard to put into words. oh and in reply to your last post Sheamaru wrote: [quote]And if your friend didn't tell you you were upsetting her then it's really her own fault.[/quote] just wanting to say to them: FIND OUT THE WHOLE STORY BEFORE YOU START THROWING BLAME! YES, I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING BUT THERE WAS A DAMN GOOD REASON WHY I DIDN'T. SO NEXT TIME, BEFORE YOU START LAYING BLAME FOR SOMETHING THINK ABOUT THE OTHER SIDE! THINK OF HOW MUCH THE OTHER PERSON MIGHT BE HURTING AND WHY THEY DID OR DIDN'T DO WHAT YOU THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE! THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVER STORY, YOU'D BE SMART TO LEARN THAT!!!! [/rant] ignore that last bit Sannie...i just thought i should defend myself on that one >>