"She's a beautiful young lady."
"She has a little glow. She's so pretty."
"You're a beautiful girl"
That is what everyone says about me.
I honestly don't think that I'm much to look at.
I'm just 5feet & 10inches of tall, dark & emo.
Coal black hair, a tall girl, not skinny, not fat & eyes that any guy could get lost in.
Yeah.
Those are words that people use to describe me as well.
But if I'm so pretty & beautiful, why do I always feel like the ugliest girl that anyone has ever seen?
My words?
I'm too tall, no one can see my pupils, my eyes are scary, I'm not thin enough, my feet are too big, my nose is huge, my hair isn't long enough, I talk to much, my teeth are not white enough, the skin on my forehead is blotched in patches of light and dark & I'm very clumsy.
How can anyone call this pretty?
I'd love to be able to be small enough to fit into a size 8 shoe.
I'd love to be able to be thin enough to wear a dress.
I'd love to be skinny enough to wear a bathing suit & have no one laugh at me because my fat hangs out.
I'm paranoid as well.
I don't like being too close to anyone anymore.
I don't like telling people what's wrong, even if they are my friends.
I hang out in the darkness by myself.
My best friend is my knife.
I don't like venting like this to people & it's too much writing.
So i decided to type it out.
My hormones make me a horrible person.
Honestly?
I have 2 boyfriends.
Michael: Who lives in Washington State &Derrick: right within walking distance of my house.
Why aren't they helping me?
Michael is ALWAYS busy whether he's at work or with friends.
Derrick..he's just a p***y. Plain & Simple and I'm NOT gonna lie about that.
Neither of them know what to say in my darkest times.
I also lost a friend because I wouldn't give him material possessions.
Jayson.
He valued a damn item more than our friendship, so he decided to end it.
Well, my restless vengeance is the one that wouldn't let him have it.
He cheated on me.
He lied to me.
He wanted to hide our relationship.
So my words to him?
******** YOU.
I don't need a friend who loves me items more than they love me.
And that goes for everyone else as well.
Now to family.
Man have I been wanting to ******** punch my aunt.
She makes me lose my job, saying that I can't choose when I work & that I just don't wanna work.
Now hold the ******** up.
I LOVED that job & everyone that I worked with.
SHE ******** me over on my VERY FIRST job asking me if I wanted to work on Tuesday.
She made it sound like I had a choice, but I really didn't.
She tells the manager that I quit.
I was working at subway.
My family says that I just didn't want to work.
I LOVED that job.
How would i not want to work a job that I liked?
******** heartless..
All of them EXCEPT both of my brothers Antwon & Amauri are really ******** heartless.
I always thought that I could go to my family for help & for them to cheer me up.
But what do they do?
They make me feel 10 times worse.
Plus, at the age of 17, they don't let me out with anyone but my brothers after dark.
Which reminds me, they get irritated cause most of my friends are white & that most of the time I hang out with my guy friends.
Does it matter what color they are?
We're friends.
If they didn't like me, we wouldn't be friends.
I also still feel HORRIBLE because I stil love my ex.
I know that will go away eventually, but right now the feeling is still here.
Yes Nick.
You.
Not to mention, my dog that I've had for 10 years is dead.
She was like my child..
My granddad bagged her up & took her to some pet place where they do something with dead pets.
What ever happened to just burying your pet in the backyard?
I just want to be alone.
Whenever the time comes when I'm COMPLETELY single, I don't want to date for a while.
I really don't.
I'm just really ******** tired of bottling everything inside.
I honestly doubt that anyone will even read this..
But at least I got everything out of system..I think.
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Jay Jay's Heart
When there's something on my heart, It will always go here.
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