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Its not a good idea for me to come visit?
Why exactly though.
Why?
That's something I never ever thought you'd say. Ever.

And for once I can't really figure out...why?

Why would it be different if I was going to jazz fest and then stayed with you the rest of the time..?
Why would it be okay for that to happen but not me coming down there just to see you?

Then the way you just say you're a horrible person...
I just don't understand you.
Why do you do that?
Quit saying stuff about yourself like that.
Just stop it.

You're supposed to be able to tell me everything.
Why can't you?
I'd rather you tell me and have me be hurt than keep letting this go on and on and I never know exactly wtf the problem is.

Was it me?
Did I do something wrong..?

But then I don't get why you just don't want me to come now..But its okay if I come say in a year.
That makes no sense.
If you do want to see me eventually why not now?
Are you hiding something?

I hate not understanding things.
I hate being in situations like these and not knowing why its happening.
Especially when it comes to you.

I hate it when you just shut yourself off from me.
I don't understand why you do it..I've been with you for so long why do you think you can't tell me things?
Six years, Connor.
Six. Years. And you still can't fully open up.
Why?
I'm not going to just up and leave like Yamato.
I won't do that to you..

Is that what's scaring you?
You think once I leave to go back home, things will change drastically?
Do you think our relationship will fall apart?
Did it change after Voodoo? Have I left you yet?
Nope.
That fear you have, Connor.
Its going to keep you from things..
Don't let that happen.
Don't let that fear of losing people and being alone control you.

Then again....What are we Connor?
What exactly in your opinion are we?
Because I think I have a different opinion and I want to quit having this fantasy if you don't think the same.
You say you're my kitty, but what exactly does that mean?
Is it okay for me to say I love you?
Or should I just not?
Are you still not wanting to take that step with me because of the distance?
Its not fair of you to do that.
Because love isn't all about physical touching - a majority of it is...But not all of it.

Knowing I love you and that you're the only one for me should be enough.
I may not actually be there by your side or within arms reach.
But I will be in the most important place, inside your heart.
And you'll be in mine.
And I can come visit and slowly work my way into living there, you just have to give me time and don't run away.

Or is it the worst case scenario?
Because you know my mind always wanders to the most horrible thing that could happen.
Is there someone down there..?
I highly doubt you'd do that...But idk.
Don't be mad if its not true.
What am I supposed to think?
When you won't tell me and you keep saying you're a bad person?

When did having a relationship with you get so...difficult?
I've never not known what to say to you, or how to talk to you.
But now I feel like a mute.
I don't even know how to approach the topic of all this since you made it extremely apparent you did not want to talk about it.
Which isn't fair.
You know we have to.
I can't just ignore something like this.

I ******** love you, Connor.
And I'm trying so hard to make it work.
I'm sorry if I keep pushing this, but I can't ignore it.
I don't want to build up a wall with you.
Even if all this will hurt me later on when you tell me, we've made it this far..Right?
We've overcome some pretty difficult obstacles that I honestly didn't know if we'd make it through.
I believe in this.

The biggest question of them all though is do you?