What if I told you I'm through with waiting.
But in the same breath said I was scared?
I don't know what I want any more. I say this, mean that, do that, intended this. It's all so convoluted and I just don't know where I'm going.
I want to be a doctor, but... I also want a family. I want to spend time with my husband and children and watch them grow up.
I want to tell you I love you but I don't want to seem like a psychopath
I want children right now, but I don't want to drop out of school.
I want my friends to not be my friends but if I don't have them, then who do I have?
Wants and buts, they go hand in hand.
I want to find someone to connect to, but I'm terrified.
I'm 21 years old, never gone on an official date except for twice, once with someone who didn't explain if it was a date or not. And another with a long distance bf.
Jumping into this game that I have no clue what the rules are but everyone else does at my age...
The simple idea of giving all my secrets, my feelings, my thoughts to someone, that scares me too. I don't trust easily. That is a product of what happened in my childhood and what I've observed growing up. Don't trust anyone but yourself. There are always exceptions. Even you can let yourself down and there are some people in this world that are reliable. But even those whom you find reliable will fail. It's human nature and to assume that someone can ALWAYS be there is a fallacy that I can't attempt to delude myself with. I can't just pretend that people will always be there to fix it, and so I trust that only I can do a majority of it and if someone wants to help in the s**t that doesn't matter, let them.
I feel like a b***h saying that. Because in the end I feel like I'm tricking people. Making them think that I consider them special. And I do consider them special in comparison to the people that I can't trust with anything. But in the end, no one has ever heard me say these things. That's my fault, not theirs. However, I wish there was someone who could figure that out. I let people get close but I always hold them off to a particular distance. There are some there are so very close to the inner me but I can't let them in for some reason or excuse or whatever the matter is. That hurts to think about. That I can't let anyone that far in. For once, I'd like to meet someone to peer in. I'd like to meet someone who sees me for the closed off, hermit, bitchy, childish, big hearted, dreamer, sarcastic, kid I am and I want them to call me on my s**t. I want that person to see right through me.
I think that's where the thrill of meeting intellectuals. They have that potential because they don't see people, they see farther than that.Then look deeper, find motivation, intention, and so on. They learn what that person is about and they analyze. Well, they do when they are interested at least. I think that's why I'm so interested in Tim. He has that potential and whether he's spotted it or hasn't bothered to look, I don't know but I give him just a little more to go with each time I meet him. It's like a game. A silly one, I know but the chance remains that he could spot me. Not that I'd be of any interest to him. I do not regard myself remotely intellectual as he, or perhaps I would consider myself a different type of intellectual. Some times I can't really determine if I call myself smart because I am, or if I call myself not smart because I am or if it's just modesty, or common sense or whatever.
The point is is that to him, I am unimportant. I am the b***h who has three of his friends tangled up in some web. I am the girl that has gone running with him and our friend a few times but doesn't really know what to say to him. I'm the girl who doesn't know how to take a joke who isn't as smart as he is. He is one of THOSE people. But never mind that, there are different types of intellectuals and not that he feels he is high and mighty but it is easier to connect to someone who is on the same level as you than it is with someone who is below you or on a different plane.
And then there's that guy.
He's broken. Not worst case scenario but he's near. All he has to say is just that phrase. I can't stop the words from passing through my head. Over and over. I thought that maybe this person who is cracked can see through the fortress I've built. The poorly made wall guarding me. Maybe he sees because he knows 'What are you afraid of'
Yes. What am I afraid of?
In the context I was shocked he asked that... but then I realized the true meaning. He didn't see my fear of commitment or trust. He just assumed that something was wrong if I didn't want to give him a chance. He was taking a stab in the dark and he hit but I did not yelp. I remained silent as he took the dagger out and the poison began to seep.
What am I afraid of...
Lots of things
Heights, spiders, breaking my bones, being hurt by someone, hurting someone, disappointing someone, death of loved ones, death of myself, the unknown, darkness, creatures hiding in the night, things I can't protect myself from...
Lots of things. I think some a little more deeper than others. But I know my pains. I know why I'm a dysfunctional girl. (well mostly) I know my fears and hopes and doubts. I know me. But then, why does that question still bother me. When he asked me that.
What am I afraid of? Yeah Kira, what is it? What are you over looking? What can't you see? Cause obviously I wouldn't be here if you knew it. What are you afraid of?
And then there is you. The funny thing is that you don't even know who you are. /I/ don't even know who you are but those two statements mean two entirely different things. Where you don't know that I'm talking to you, I don't know much of the person I'm talking about.
Or maybe you do. Maybe you do know and you're pressing forward to read on and make sure that I'm talking about you and I'm not just typing on about someone else who also has the ability to read this. After all, I have many friends who have gaia but how many rarely get on that I'd be willing to put this up assuming they wouldn't read? Then again, the vagueness of my journal could be just enough that I don't have to worry, isn't that right?
I type this as if I'm going to make it open to the public. Maybe I will someday but for today, I'm just going to tuck this away and let my thoughts go out to a place that I can let them sit.
But anyway... back to you...
What is your deal? Why can't I figure you out? Is it just that it's so simple that I'm over looking it? Who are you? Who are you going to be? You don't even know. Someone who can't reach past his bedroom door to figure out who he is in this world, I don't know if I can be with. I want to. I really do. You are interesting, and have a beautiful mind but it never feels to go past that.
Am I more than just a sex dream and creative outlet? Because it never seems to go past that and you blame it on the fact you like me but really... There are plenty of things to text me about, to call me about. I'm not a pair of tits across states here. I'm a real human being, with real potentials, real dreams and hopes and aspirations. I try to remind you of that but then it is ME who is reminded that you are a man of no certainty. I don't know what to think or say to you. I wish I could go on about this but I'm growing tired. Perhaps I'll continue this when it gets too much for me to handle on my own. Thank you to any who may read this ever.
Even just taking the time to read through the nonsense that I've created... It's just.. Well thanks
Good night to you all
-Kira
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