We went to Carowinds today. Joe, Mom, and I all went to Carowinds as a late birthday present. I went through Hell and nothing less.
Everywhere we went, there was always some guy who had the same short, yet beautiful hair as Chris, slightly tanned physique as Chris, athletic build as Chris, and sometimes they would even share facial features... but that was rare. Everywhere I turned, I faced my past. And everywhere I turned, the only thing to break my chain of thought was another coaster ride or seeing the differences in the men's faces. They were there... everywhere.. all over the park. I couldn't escape. Even Cracker Barrel had a barrage of Christopher Alen Tor written all over it. I remember "in the dark" and decided to do the same to myself. I remembered the song by Alan Jackson he used to play for me and sing to. I remembered how, when I looked into his eyes, they glowed like a brilliant sapphire ocean. I remembered how we would laugh when we would say "Haven't we had this discussion before?" I remember all the warm summer night in '05 when he would speak so softly and lovingly over the phone. I remembered how we talked about getting married and buying a trailer behind his mom's house. I remembered how he said he would commit suicide. I remembered almost everything.. except for why I left him. Why I left him for some a*****e who only wanted my body. Was it that Chris Poegl just wasn't physically there? Was it just stupidity? Why did I ruin something so perfect... so wonderful that no other man or woman could possibly achieve such beauty in love? Why? I would do anything to turn back time... to smack myself hard enough when Madren asked me for my number... to tell myself no when he would try to make a move on me... to kick myself whenever I ever doubted Chris and I would end up together. I just want to take it all back and I can't. I have Joe now... but Joe can't erase those beautiful and later tragic days. Joe isn't Chris Poegl. Joe is Joe. And he can't be anything else. Maybe I lost my one true love. Maybe I found it. Maybe love never existed for me in the first place. I would do anything to erase all of that and run back to Virginia to be like I used to be... free and loved whole-heartedly.
To anyone out there who doubts someone you are with... never take a chance with someone else. You never know if that someone else could ruin your life and your entire mindset. Love is love.. don't fight or question, just love harder than you ever have before.
And to Chris... I want to say I'm sorry, but I've done so much of that that my words mean nothing. Say anything and I will do it. I just want you to know that I want you to be happy. I want you to know I still think about you. I want you to know that you are my last thought and last tear at night before I drift off into another dream of mazes with you at the end. I want you to know that nothing I can do can ever repay you for the what you have suffered at my expense. I want you to know that every time I think of you, I can still see into those sapphire eyes and nearly right out cry just because they were so beautiful and loving. I want you to know that no matter what, I always care. Love is a question because I don't think I deserve to know the mere meaning.. but I do care and I do just want you to be happy and get the girl who deserves you and everything wonderful about you. Please don't just dismiss this... I just want you to know. The picture of us stares at me constantly. You're always here.. in my head.. in my heart... following me in ways you never thought possible. Forgive me... please.
haloisbymyhorns · Fri Aug 11, 2006 @ 03:19am · 0 Comments |