Well, I did my monthly sulk about Chris today and Cameron once again helped me through my idiocy. Why do I bother? Why is he so engrained into my head... like the sweet mistltoe feeding off the pine... sucking all nutrients from a weakling.
I can't hlep but feel insecure now... I never log off this account and I had to put in my name and password to get on Gaia. This means either Norton messed up my system (doubtful) or someone has gone into my account. Not that it matters, anyway... but still. I'm bothered deeply.
Today is my grandmother's birthday... and i find it sad that she is more of a child than I.
Lately I feel as if I just can't take things with Joe anymore. I want him to just make decisions and be his own person. I want him to stop leeching the ever-loving life out of my mind and, for once, just do something. I don't care if we take a random road trip... I just know I can't take the madness of staying indoors anymore. It's killing me... and I've also had another problem concerning this.
He treats me as if I were a little China doll... his sweet little, irreplacable doll that is put on this earth for his use and happiness... whom will like what he likes, morph to his standards, make perfect to his belief, and protect with the utmost intensity against his little China doll's erroneous ways of making friends. I am no doll. I love the color black and sage green. I don't like purple, pink, or baby blue. I like poetry. I do not like sitting in front of Final Fantasy for hours on end reading the words to the cut scenes. I love the outdoors. I do not like being inside much or just hanging around. I love to plant and to hike and to run about in playful spirit. I do not like to lay on a bed wondering how long I have to lay there till I get to go outdoors only to sit back in a car again. I feel as if I have been captivated. I'm just his little China doll... and I've caught myself realizing that i adapted to playing video games till it hurt, laying on the bed and falling asleep for no reason, staying inside for hours on end, wearing pink, purple, and baby blue, worrying about breast size and the shade of my eye shadow in corralation to my headband or my outfit. It sickens me to think that I fell so far away from the girl who just didn't give a damn.
I've adapted all of his tastes and leisures... I've given up my true wants to be replaced with his.. and I'm jsut seeing that now the dormat season is over... I used to not have a bit of fat... because I played and ran... now I have a growing "tummy" because I seldom move. I despise myself for these things. I want to enjoy the things I love. I want to write. I want to dance without thinking of perfect form. I want to sing despite my horrid voice. I want to run to a lake and watch the geese. I want to play for hours on a child's swingset as I listen to Blink 182 and those few mixed cds I had in eighth grade. I want to be free and not worry about having to choose a place to eat... because I will have a picnic basket ready for a park by a lake with that swingset and swirly slide... I want to just feel as I used to- happy as any child could possibly be. I no longer want to compromise. I'm sick of it. I don't want to stay indoors. I wish not to eat the fried death of a bird I never got to shoot. I pray I never take a nap in the middle of the day for any reason other than sheer exhaustion. I love freedom. I love to be myself... I want it so bad... yet I am only but a China doll.
 haloisbymyhorns · Mon Mar 19, 2007 @ 10:35pm · 0 Comments |
