Day 34 on Gaia Online, September 2 2006

Hello again! oh dear...my PMs are already coming! Ill answer them for you to the best of my ability! heres the first PM I got. Its from a Gaian named XINVADER. Now Xinvader is a vary strange Gaian as he semms to have a obession with Final fantasy and particulary Fianl fantasy 7. I think its a little weird to have obessions with games where guys look like girls and are hot also...Its just weird...

Anyway, he also has an account on youtube which I was recently banned from for breaking "ettique" rules. Im telling you, mods are evil...Anyway. heres the PM he sent me. Its regarding this Pm I sent him regarding this advertisement I sent him to view my profile. I knew he had a ranting problem, but come on...

Dear Cretin/Newtob:

I am writing to you to tell you that your Profile is just wretched.

I cannot stand the design. It's completely brown, and has no variety to it either. The organization could be bedder, and everything seems all bunched together and looks dirty (which your content is too). I could say what else is wrong with the design, but that's a waste of both your time and mine. Point being, it is HOREBLE. Absolutely HOREBLE.

However, the design is the least of my problems. Your content is also very disrespectful. I find it very degrading that anybody would portray moderatora as you do. As a non-American, I do not find maturity in your country's people when they make fun of anybody. I know that moderators can make mistakes some times, but does that really matter? After all, there are plenty more of n000bs like you in America, and though thay ban 3,000 people everyday by accident, despite it not being a small count, you should not humiliate them like that.

Some of your images in something awful just plain out make me gag. The celebrities without makeup was absolutely disgusting to see. I thought that it would be just celebrities that did not wear makeup normally or something like that. And plus, I think that it's racist that you only include American celebrities. Also, pictures of latrines, even to show interesting things about them as in the case of the Swiss one, is just immature. And the cats who have had accidents and people with damaged cars is just plain disturbing, at least to me.

And your lack of seriousness in some places is actually inconveniencing. For the epilepsy test, I thought that the warning was merely just a joke, like the rest of your threads are. When I clicked on the link, I felt quite dissy if I do so say myself.

The nitty gritty of it all being that I could spend my entire life saying everything that I hate about you. However, I want to live my life,make movies, and not have to deal with this profile and threads, with its toilets and insulting moderators and the whole lot of what you have going on.die!!
End PM

uummmmm, okay...
XINVADER, were you drunk when you wrote this? I may have written 1 or 2 things that I shouldnt have written, But you dont have to PM me about it! Yes, maybe Dr. phil would'nt make a good president, but dont critizize me about it! wait, you didnt mention the Dr.phil part?....oh crap....

Anyway, lets go to more happier news. I also heard about A new feature in Gaia called the "battle system". When I read the details, my blood curdled, and cold sweat started dropping from my forehead. Do you know how much chaos that world prouduce, how many n00bs will go the Gaia for the soul purpose of carnage and mass killing?

However, there is still hope for Gaia. While searching on The idea forums, I read a thread about introducing A gaian police force in gaia, where thay would hire real gaians as law inforcement. At first that sounded all good and dandy, but do you understand how chaotic it would be? heres what I think a tyipical day of being a Gaian officer would be like...

Leon, the head of gaia giulds, who is now he police chief was a hard man, grizzled by years on the force, his face seemingly carved of stone but for the doughnut crumbs that dotted his handlebar mouth. "Newtob get yer a** in here!" he bellowed in his 'prepare for a reaming' voice.

I sat in the squeaky chair across from his desk and waited for the bad news. "Your Gaian SWAT team is a disgrace," he barked. "Two officers down in the last mission alone."

It's true: I've been playing a beta battle system, the new feature of gaia online, which allows fighting. I am testing out the new police feature that came with the battle system This isn't Halo 2: you can't just shoot everyone indiscriminately. You're supposed to actually arrest Gaians and report them while there still alive. That requires a certain finesse that I'm not known for. I tried to explain as much to the Chief, but his mind was already made up.

"You're going to start playing cooperatively," he roared. "And I know just the man to give your team a good kick in the **** Meet your new partner: LOREY."

Even before lorey walked into the door I was already up onto my feet. "Lorey! No, not LOREY! He just got the game, he's a n00b and a half. He's a menace 2 society. Last night he flashbanged himself just to see what it looked like! He only joined Gaia for the battle system!"


(Look out criminals! ... and everyone else!)


By this time Lorey had strolled in to join us, his handcuffs clinking. "Whats up?" he asked, nodding his head at the chief and then at me.

"Lorey!" beamed Leon, standing and leaning over his desk to shake Lorey's hand. "Welcome to the SWAT te- WAaauauuahAGGH!!"

Without warning Lorey hit him in the chest with the Taser. Leon flew backwards in a flash of light, his chair whirling out of the way as he collapsed behind his desk, twitching.

"Did you SEE that?" Lorey howled. "That was awesome. He flew back over his desk and everything." He holstered his taser and jerked his head to the door. "C'mon, let's go waste some perps."

On his way out of the station he chucked a tear gas grenade into the locker room.

(Barton 001299 area 3)

Multiple hostages were held in a House. It was a stickup for Banned Gold gone bad. It was about to get worse.

"Get down!!" Lorey hollered. "Hands up! Police! Get Down! Police!"

"You're shouting at a mailbox," I pointed out.

Lorey shotgunned it three times, knocking the innocent blue box off of its posts, then paused to reload. The rest of the team stared at him, slackjawed.

"It was resisting," he explained. Then he tasered fellow officer jessica345 for good measure.

My team (once we were all upright) crept through the house and surrounded the front door next to the Bush. "Okay, on three I open the door and Lorey throws the flashbang. Ready? One..."

Lorey threw the flashbang, which bounced off the door and landed at our feet.

"WTH?" I asked, just at the grenade went off. A searing white flash burned red into my retinas, the immense bang stunning my eardrums and filling my ear with a piercing ring. My vision cleared to find Lorey reeling around in shock and grinning.

"That was awesome," he said, rubbing his eyes. "I can never get enough of that." Then he kicked in the door and started shotgunning randomly.

"Lorey! Lorey!" I cried over the blasts, following him in. "We're supposed to be arresting people."

"I'll question the suspect upstairs," he volunteered, splitting away from the group to chase someone down. Then we heard the questioning: "You like that?" BLAM! "How you like that!?" BLAM BLAM!

After we had secured the crime scene, it took the Gaian CSI crew several hours to count the bodies. Mostly because Lorey gassed them.

"Okay, let's try giving you some non-lethal weapons," I suggested as we put on our gear for another job. "Even you couldn't manage to kill someone with a paintball gun."

"Not true," Lorey replied, taking the air rifle. "Just ask my late Uncle. Wait.... you can't."

Our next mission began with the following harrowing call to 911:

911 Transcript: "HELLO 911!? I'M IN AN HOUSE BUILDING AT 690034 BARTON! THERE ARE GUYS IN SKI MASKS HERE LOOKING FOR THE SAFE! THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE! CAN YOU HEAR ME? THEY'RE TAKING HOSTAGES! THEY HAVEN'T FOUND ME YET BECAUSE I'M HIDING UNDER A DESK AND BEING VERY VERY QUIET!! WAIT, TWO OF THEM ARE COMING INTO THE ROOM! THEY'RE LOOKING AROUND BUT THEY DON'T SEE ME! NOW ONE OF THEM IS COMING IN. HE'S LOOKING AROUND FOR ME. HE'S LOOKING. HE'S GETTING WARMER! WARMER! WAIT, NOW HE'S COLDER. OH, HE'S WARMER -- WARMER -- HE FOUND ME! I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT HE FOUND ME!!" *static*

After the local precinct had set up a perimeter, we moved in. I crafted a loose plan while we crouched in the back of the SWAT van.

Not even Officer lorey could hurt anyone with a paintgun.

"Jessica345, you'll take point. Sasuke_collio, I need you to scope under every door. We've got multiple, well-armed hostiles. Lorey, you'll be using the pepper ball gun to disable any -- hey, wait a sec. Jessica345, why are you wearing a gas mask? That's not standard equipment."

"I wear it 'cuz I'm on Lorey's team," she explained in a muffled voice.

Moments later we burst from the truck and stormed the building. A weatherbeaten old set of numbers above the door said "69." Sauske_collio held the mirror under the door and reported a tiny entryway on the other side with no perps. We opened the door and crept into the enclosed space. "What's the plan?" Sasuke_collio asked.

"Gas 'em!" Lorey cried, throwing the grenade at our feet. I stumbled out of the building on my knees, choking.

"You see!?" said Jessice345. "That's why I always wear the gas ma-AAUUUGGH!" She dropped when Lorey tasered her in the neck.

"Look," I said in-between choking gasps. "Can we just get through one mission without team-killing or randomly killing civvies?"

"You take all the fun out of policework," Lorey grunted.

Kicking down the next door revealed and Emo Gaian who was shocked to see us. "What are you -- what is this?" he gasped, just before Lorey yelled and then hit him in the face with a pellet. And another. And another.

A few minutes later the guy was subdued. "Man, he took two taser blasts to the neck before he keeled over," Lorey said. "Amazing!"

"I imagine his adrenaline was jacked after you hit him in the face with 50 peppergas pellets in rapid succession," I observed.

"Look, I told him to comply," Lorey said.

"Asking a suspect to 'eat it' is not really a request." I pulled out my radio. "We've got a civilian restrained and ready for pickup," I told command.

They seemed confused. "SWAT 1, our snipers say you haven't entered the suspect building."

It was Lorey who stepped outside, looked at the old sign, and spun the numbers to reveal that we had just stormed 96 Barton instead of 69 Barton. "Not my fault this time!" Lorey cried out.

But I hit him with the taser anyways.







By the way, Im currently working on my very own talk show called Newtob vision! stick around for updates!!