I have been thinking for the past, I think, three days about my life and every where it is going but that one direction I am wanting it to go to. My train of though started on Sunday night when my boyfriend I love so much broke up with me giving me one excuse but it not being the real reason, tell you that later on in this. That day I didn't cry my eyes out like I usually would but I sat here with one tear rolling down my face and starring at my cell phone as he said stuff. People change how they are sometimes to fit in with others and when the others turn around and leave that person is left lost. That is what happened to me. I changed part of me so I could fit in with his perfect 'girlfriend' but even then I apparently failed to accomplish that. That night I was at my sister's house also so I couldn't really cry infront of her or be sad infront of her so it was kind of hard...I didn't think I would go to sleep Sunday night but I did and I say it is magical that I did or it was the fact I was so exaguasted from trying not to cry and when I held my dog I was warm and passed out. Who knows why but sometime...I will find out.
On Monday I still didn't cry but I did wake up early and that was not normal at all. I don't think I got a wink of sleep but I was asleep. It is the whole thing with your mind still in train of thought while you are asleep so you actually don't get any at all. It has happened to me two times before that night and it was about Ty. I can't help that I think about him, I can't help that I love him so much. Well anyways, I woke up and was lost. Didn't even remember who I was, what my life was about, who I loved, and where I was. I was just a rabbit sitting in some person's home. Thats all I could ever think I was. After awhile of starring around everything came back to me, my life, my heart, where I was, and what he said last night to break it off. He was all depressed and sad and didn't want to bring me down with him so he just broke it off right then and there. I thought then maybe he would consider coming back to me soon, but it has changed I think. On Monday I sat playing my games and sitting with my sister, then I had to go to walmart with my family. That was a killer like always. They ignored me like twenty-four seven and it kept getting on my nerves and they were wondering why I was so unhappy and not talking. So when we got home I came into my own room and played games...I don't think Ty called me that night to put me to sleep like normal...I don't think he talked to me at all on Monday I can not remember anymore.
Tuesday I woke up and did normal stuff to go to school and when I got there I was ready to punch everyone there except a few. My friend Allison wanted me to hang ALL over her because she broke up with her boyfriend. ******** no I had my own problems was my reply to her and my friend Mayra came over and hugged me and held me. She told me everything was okay. ANd that right there started the day of pitty and dispare. My heart is in so much pain as I sit here and write this but I feel like I might burst or my heart might stop if I keep this in my mind anymore. When I got home on Tuesday from school my family wanted to have fun and watch movie's and I granted them just that. I was out in the living room and watched 1 movie with a full family and another movie with just me. Before I watched the movies though I talked with Ty and god did my heart ache so much. I know I miss him by the way my heart is acting and the way my feelings are acting. I told him to call me that night at 10 my time 11 his time and he said okay. I got back onto the computer though and he was on. I didn't think he would actually call me so I told him he didn't have to. He confused me right there asking me if he could call me I said why and his reply was because I want to. I let him call me and we talked but I had gotten on my bed. Him being the man that always puts me to sleep somehow put me to sleep right there. I wasn't asleep as in both physically and mentally, I was just physically asleep. But I think...I think I put this in the wrong area...I am not sure my mind is lost right now and I am just writing randomness everywhere. Some of this stuff might be in the wrong place I am not sure.
When I woke up I couldn't remember falling asleep or anything, that is what usually happens when he puts me to sleep though. But we did not have school and I was so happy. Happier then hell more then I would ever be in life. But yea I went through the day thinking like I usually did and I kept thinking of him. Every minute of my life is thinking of him. All of these thigns about him to. Like am I good enough, why did I always fail, did some girl get him, does he not love me, etc. The list goes on for miles around so I am not going to lsit it all. My day went from sleeping in my bed to going places for 2 hours with my sister coming back and going back to sleep in my bed then getting on the computer. Where I sat worried about Ty because he never called me or got back on aim. Me being totally random got on RO bad choice. My heart got crushed even more because of what I found out when I got home from leaving with my sister. He is joining the marines and he doesn't care what I have to say for it or what his friends have to say for it. So now, I give him only my support beause he aready has my heart. I know when he leaves though he will crush it in some way to where no one will fix it and I will just drop dead on the ground where ever I am. He called me after I got off RO sometime and I can not remember what the converstion was about or anything. I know part of it was about the song 'stricken' by disturbed. We couldn't figure out who it was by till when his phone was dieing and he said it then it died. Wonderful timing I know but it is life. I stayed up till 11:50 when he called me agian cause I sent him a message asking when his phone was good. Really I don't thinK I should have because he wasn't himself at all. He kept saying 'stop' and when I said hmmm he said 'not you' in this mean tone that hurt me so much. He has changed. He moved on from me. The reason he left me was because he is joining the marines. Now he is pushing me away from him slowly but I can see him doing it. I dont think he knows he is doing it but I know. Now I think he is accusing me of doing something to one of his friends because he asked how I was. I am so lost. The path I want to take is all covered up and blocked and I can't go on it. SO I turn in a circle looking at all these other paths I don't want to take because I will just die when my foot steps on each and every one of them. Someone help me. Pull me out of this. I don't want to be in this rotation anymore. I want him back, I want to know he trully does love me, I want to know that he isn't pushing me away on purpose, I long to hear him cheery on the phone with me, I long to have him hold me in his arms and never let me GO!!!!
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Darkness Falls Upon my death
Described as a none human.
Community Member
Kat I fill sorry for you, not a pity type way but a "I can't be there for you" kind way, If I could take your pain so you wouldn't have to deal with it, I would, but dealing with it will only make you stronger, I know that's hard to deal with an you don't want to deal with it, but everyone once an awhile people have to go through the same problems you have too. People will be there for you an then people wont be there for you. You have friends who would gladly comfort you when you're down. People change all the time Kat, it's because of the people they hang out with, whether its to fit in with them or because that's how they want to act people change, sometimes it's a good thing sometimes it's a bad thing. Confronting your problem head on might no seem like the best thing to do but it's always an option, an sometimes it helps.
Well with that said I hope that helps even at the smallest degree. Mush love to you Kat, your in my prayers.
P.S. Don't hurt me xd