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The reason for this update was unknown when it began, and anything that ends up in here are merely the ravings of one who has given up hope, and yet, fought harder than any at the same time.

I lived a life where i just wanted to die, and that was way back when i was only around 8, heh. i guess that made me an emo... even though i was 8, which makes it really strange.... Anyways... as time went on, the insults lessened and my mom began to go to work even more. Her best friend, who was currently a room mate at my mom's house, moved away, taking her daughters with her. After that, my life got even better. i had hated my mom at that time, now that i really think about it. i would often try to run away, but, i'd always stop for the same reason. if i left now, i'd never know what happened next in Yuyu Hakusho, or whatever anime i was watching. I would like to say that was only the cover thought, that i wasn't that desperate, but i was. My grades improved, and i became a better person for the most part, but i still held the anger, however, i was too weak to do anything with it. The most i could do was cry, and that was only a temporary block. My anger continued to rise, but i didn't know what to do with it. That was when this one b*****d insulted my best friend, who is currently on Gaia by the name of Lord Drago. At that, after all those years of him protecting me, i couldn't take it and lost control. I merely roared out in anger at him, but it released a large amount of anger, and so i continued it. By that time, it was nearly seventh grade, for most people i know, it was their worst year, for me, it was bad, but it wasn't as bad as before. In this year, i lost any and all happiness i had gotten back in 6th grade. i lost any hope of getting better, lost any wanting to protect. All i wanted to do was hide. Why? not because i was scared of the people, but i was scared of the words. in that year, i began to write, one way for me to lose my anger, but it wasn't enough. At least three times a day, i would snap. and it didn't help at all that, due to some assholes with no life, the whole school thought i was gay. Unlike before, i couldn't stay in the back and be alone. But that was due to my own mistakes, as i thought of them then. In 4th and 5th grade, being alone was nothing, i could easily sit alone and be content, i had no need for friends. But in 6th, i began to get a couple of friends, i softened up far too much, and that just made it easier to break me when i entered 7th grade. During that time, i made up a saying. "Life ain't a livin hell, even hell's not this bad." During that time, i also forgot a promise i made to one of my closest friends, my current girlfriend. i promised to protect her, no matter what. But i failed for one reason, we were sent to seperate schools. She went through two years at her junior high, changing and gaining friends, but always getting in trouble. I went through my years, changing unwillingly and punishing myslef more than any teacher ever could for my mistakes. At the end, she was expelled from her school, and was to go into the same high school as I. I promised yet again that i would protect her, that i would never abandon her, but i could do nothing in the end. She was sent to a boarding school in the end, and i blame myself completely for this. Everyone's heard the line, only the strong survive in the world of the weak. Well, only the elite survive in the world of the strong, but, as strong as i became, i was never elite, and i was unable to stop them. She had freed me from all the sadness, if only for a short time, but then she was snatched away, changing everything. My anger, while before, was common, but controlled, was no wore like a wild fire, swift and without warning. A single word said, a single step out of place and i would lose it. At first, i tried to pretend like it had never happened, but that hurt me even more, in the end, all i can do is try not to think of her. For even the great memories i have of her are corrupted by the sadness i feel. Not much is left to say, and i skipped and entire year, but it means nothing to me, as i said before, merely the rantings of one who fights on, even after giving up