• The Adventures of Me and Dethklok

    Chapter 1: THE KNOCK

    "Doodily Ding Dong Tick Tock, Doodily Ding Dong Tick Tock, Doodily Ding Dong Tick Tock, Doodily Ding Dong Tick Tock, DETHKLOK, DETHKLOK, DETHKLOK, DETHKLOK..."

    Just another day, just another episode of Metalocalypse. Well, actually, it wasn't JUST ANOTHER episode. It was the newest episode, first time aired on TV. Nathan and the rest of Dethklok decided to go to the amazon, because Nathan's ancestors are from there...and there's an awesome yellow poisonous drug called Yopo. I had already watched the episode earlier that day online. Made me laugh out loud.

    The Deththeme is almost over...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

    "Oh, GODDAMNIT." I said out loud. I only cussed when no one was around, and on the internet. My mom is at work, my cousin is out doing drugs, and my grandma is asleep upstairs. After I pressed pause on my TV (Yay, an advantage of Dish Network!), I walked up the stairs and unlocked and opened the door. I could tell it was a man, a little taller than me it seemed, but I couldn't see his face very well, due to the darkness, considering it was eleven o'clock at night and my stairway has no lights. However, his voice sounded familar when he spoke.

    "Who the hell are you?" He said.

    "Whaddyou mean, 'Who the hell are you'? You came to my house. Who the hell are you?"

    "That'sh none of your bushinessh." He shot back. His voice still sounded familiar.

    "Well, who I am is none of your business, then."

    The man was about to say something, but he was pushed aside by someone else. I saw yellow hair.

    "Aren'ts yous a very prettys lady." He said in a seductive voice. There was just enough light...

    "Skw-Skw-Skwisgaar Skwigelf?!" He said in a squealy voice that was far away from my normal voice. I felt my heart skip a leap and my stomach churn. He looked so much like him! But, how is it possible? Skwisgaar's just a cartoon! This is a living, breathing person in front of me! Still, I felt my eyes shine.

    "Ah! Your a fans of mine." He smiled in a flirty way.

    I shoke my head slightly to get out of my fan-girl state. "This isn't possible. Even if Skwisgaar was real," I said, halfway to myself, "There's a one in a million chance he'd show up at my house..." I looked up at the supposed guitarist. "Is there some sort of cosplay convention nearby?" After I said it, I found two major things wrong with that question. First off, there were absolutely ZERO conventions of any sort of cosplay near Park Hills, Missouri. Second, who cosplays as any member of Dethklok? I've never seen anything like that before...

    "Cosplay? What means that?" I heard from behind "Skwisgaar". I looked past him and saw another Dethklok look-alike. It was the supposed Toki Wartooth. In fact, the rest of Dethklok's look-alikes were back there too. Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface (whom I figured out I already met).

    "I'm not gonna fall for this." I said, crossing my arms.

    "I think you already did." The Nathan said.

    "So, you admit that there's something to be fallen for?" I exclaimed. They all stared at me with a blank look until the Pickles said, "What?"

    "Oh-my-gosh...what a moron." I said with a sigh.

    "Anysway, do you wants to takes dis somewheres?" So-called Skwisgaar said, returning to his earlier pursuits.

    "******** no! I'm only fifteen!"

    "...Seriously?"

    "Yes, Seriously!"

    "You look, like, older." The Nathan said from the back.

    "Yeah, lots a' people say that...Look, guys. This has been fun and all, but I can't have some weird Metalocalypse fans hanging around my house, no matter how metal that might sound. Okay? I'm sure you understand." I began to close the door, but Skwisgaar stepped in the way. He looked cuter with a little more light.

    "What's Metal's Apaocalypse?" He asked.

    "...Are you seriously asking me that?" He just stared at me. I opened the door all the way again. I began to debate with myself whether or not it was safe to let the 20-something year olds in my house (accept for the supposed Pickles, who actually looked the age that Pickles was supposed to be, though I didn't want to point that out to myself). On one hand, they all could be stalkers who tapped my Satelitte signal, dressed up as my favourite virtual band, and came to go all Friday The Thriteenth on me. Wait, not Friday the Thirteenth, that movie is totally not brutal...More like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. On the other hand, they could be really cool Dethklok fans who just want another Metalocalypse-crazed friend...But, then there's that other hand, which would make them the real thing, but I'm not even going to include that one because three hands would make me an alien.

    I decided to go with hand number two. If there weren't any risks in life, what would life be like? It'd be stupid, that's what.

    "Follow me." I said, leaving the door open and walking downstairs. "And, close the door behind you!"

    I picked the remote up and rewinded the TV to the beginning of the Deththeme and waited for the last person to arrive, which was Toki's look-alike. "Watch." I said simply. I pressed play and Dethklok's music rang out. I mouthed the words to myself while we watched. When the theme was over, I paused the again, this time the Metalocalypse logo across the screen.

    The first thing I heard was from Nathan. "I don't remeber making a video to that song..."

    "What ish thish? The newsh?" Murderface asked, sincerly looking confused.

    They all did, actually. "No, it's...Metalocalypse...Do you guys seriously not know what this is?" They shook their heads. "Does the name 'Brendon Small' mean anything to you?" They shook their heads again. "How about 'Tommy Blancha'?" Again, no yes's. Are these guys for real?

    "Okay, okay...it's not that I don't believe you about being the real Dethklok," I said, plopping down on the couch. "It's that I don't want to believe you. I mean...Nathan Explosion, William Murderface, Pickles the Drummer, Toki Wartooth, and Skwisgaar Skwigelf are cartoon characters."

    "Uh, nos were nots." Toki said.

    "Uh, yeah, you are. Didn't you just see the TV? Dethklok is a cartoon. Metalocalypse is the cartoon and it was created by those two people I mentioned a second ago, Brendon Small and Tommy Blancha."

    "She's messing with us...Brutal."

    "No, I'm no-Nathan!" A light-bulb went off in my head. The character Nathan would knew so much stuff that could prove whether or is real. "Wow...you do look kinda like Corpsegrinder in person..." I said to myself.

    " Corpsegrinder from Cannibal Corpse? You listen to them too?" Pickles asked.

    "Of course. Their amazing. Though, not as great as you guys, I mean, Dethklok...But, anyways, Nathan Explosion is supposed to be vaguely based off of Corpsegrinder Fisher, according to the internet."

    "Now that I think about it, ya do kinda look like 'im." Pickles said, looking at Nathan closer, "But not by much."

    "Yeah, well, that aside, Nathan, I have a question for you."

    "What?"

    "What are the actual lyrics in the Deththeme? Isn't it 'I'll teach you true rock?'" I asked. Something every Dethklok fan wants to know.

    "No, it's 'who rocks'."

    "Wait, any fan could have an opinion about that..."

    "Why does its matters?" Skwisgaar said, who had gotten tired of standing and sat down in the recliner next to the couch (which was where I'm sitting).

    "Yeah, why does its matters?" Toki said too, sitting down on the far end of the couch.

    "Toki, why do you always do whats I do?"

    "I don'ts!" He said offensively. This started a long chain of "Stops copies me." From fake/real Toki and Skwisgaar.

    After about a minute, I started to laugh. It was funnier in person. They both stopped when I started laughed and gave me a look that said, "What?"

    I did the classic fake-tear-wipe thing and said, "Anywho. I have the question for the ages that only a real Dethklok member can answer." I turned to Pickles, "What is your real name?"

    "I'd rather nat disclose that information." His Winsconsin accent sounded very authentic.

    "Why not?" I said, furrowing my brow.

    "I'd rather nat diclose that infromation either."

    "God, why the hell not?"

    "Get off my back."

    "Won't you at least tell me why you won't tell me your name?" I asked, in a desperate voice (at least, it sounded like it to me).

    Pickles stared at me for a second and said, "It's embarressing."

    "You're name is? Hmm..." I deabted with myself if that was an exceptable answer. "Well, if you and your brother hate each other, then why doesn't he just call you by your real name?"

    "Because that's how embarressing it is." He paused a second and added, "How do you know I have a brother?"

    "Seth was on two different episodes of Metalocalypse..."

    "Thish ish gettin' a little weird..."

    "Your telling me...What would you do if suddenly, out of the blue, your favourite band show up at your door? In fact, that favourite band is and always has been a cartoon. Wouldn't you be weirded out? Not to mention, I'm starting to realize that you might be-"

    "YOU will mostly likely DIE from the hands of my ARM when I come and fly and take off of your FACE with the FRONT of my HATREDCOPTER." I jumped and stared at my crappy little silver cell phone that was vibrating across the table.

    When I didn't, Toki leaned forward and read the name. "It's 'Beth'." I quickly picked up the phone before Nathan's scream ended. "Hello...Hey, what's up?...Uh, I'll stay here...Yeah, bring me a water...okay, love ya, bye." I hung up the phone. "I guess that buys us some time."

    "Buys us times for what?" Skwisgaar asked.

    "Well...I think I've concluded that you guys are Dethklok...if Dethklok was real...but, you can't stay here, especially since I share a room with my mom and I can't keep five grown men in my closet, no matter how awesome that sounds."

    "You talk alot." Nathan said, not making any regard to what I just said.

    "Yeah, I know. Look, do you guys have any mon-" I stopped myself before I could answer. "Of course you do, your a world econmy..at least, in your world."

    "Whaddyou mean, 'our world'?" Pickles asked skepticklly.

    "Well, here...Dethklok is literally no where near as famous as in your world."

    "How poors ae wes?" Toki asked.

    "Though it's techincally not poor compared to me-"

    "Everything'sh rich compared to here." Murderface said, looking around.

    I continued after glaring a little bit at Murderface. "You only have one album out, you just started a second tour, and you've never been on the news and never will be on the news. In fact, aside from the TV show, you'll never be on TV."

    I could literally here them swallow.

    "Wowie...” said Toki in an extremely depressed voice.

    “Oh, god, Toki. Don’t get all emo on me. I lived like this my entire life, so don’t even get me started!” With that, everyone straightened up a little. “First thing’s first, we have to find you guys a place to stay.”

    “Why can’t we stay here again?” Nathan asked.

    “Why would we want to shtay here?” Murderface said with a disgusted look.

    “OH-MY-GAWD. Shut your face!”

    He snorted. “Were’d you here that gay-assh expression?”

    “I heard it from school! Would you rather me say ‘Shut your cockholster?!’”

    “Smart-a**.”

    “You know it.” Pickles smirked when he shut up. “Anyway, there’s a motel-slash-hotel within walking distance from here. I guess I could take you there, but, I’m just saying, you better have money, because I spent all my cash on a guitar that I don’t play enough, so, you know, just saying.” I stood up. Skwisgaar and Toki followed suit.

    “What kinds of guitar is it?” Toki asked.

    “Oh, trust me, you wouldn’t like it.” I flashed a little grin, “As you two would say, it’s a ‘granpas guitar’.”

    “Pfft. Granpas Guitar, dats for pussies and for granpas.”

    “Yeah, I know,” I said, laughing a little bit. “I heard it in Dethtroll.” They all stared at me with confusion as we walked out the door and started down the alleyway next to my house. I may have seem all calm as we walked, but I swear, inside my head...I was having a fangasm.