Dullsville U.S.A. The officer swung his night stick as he sauntered down the street. There was nothing better for him to do than to think to himself. Nothing fun ever happens here. Why doesn't something happen? His mind wandered, sluggishly until he happened upon an old cop cliche.
Mmm, he thought, saliva building in his mouth, and a very small stream escaping his sticky lips. Doughnuts. I want yummy tasty sticky gooey sugary chocolate glazed doughnuts.
Proud that his dreary ordinary day had gained some purpose, he unholstered his sidearm, attempting to twirl it like he'd seen in the movies. It flew from his hands and hit the pavement with a clatter, upsetting a flock of feasting pigeons. They cooed their indignation as they took flight and he glanced around sheepishly, relieved that no one had seen.
He picked up the handgun and reholstered it carefully, his bruised ego and self confidence healing over in record time. With his fumble forgotten, he strutted towards Ma & Pa's Gas'n'More Store, on a mission of sticky confections.
Why, I'm the best cop this town has ever seen, he thought, stroking his ego. I've saved more cats from trees than the last ten before me. And, he had indeed, the trophy sat on his desk and not a day went by that the cat shaped trophy didn't get polished to a gleaming shine. I'm a great cop, I know exactly what I'm doing, he smiled to himself as he wiped the trickle of drool from the corner of his mouth; his thoughts returning to gooey sticky doughnuts.
"Ma! Pa! Yuuuu Whoooo!" he called, kicking open the big old fashioned saloon style doors with a bang. "You cant believe what I had a hankering for...." his voice trailing off as he noted another man already at the counter.
"Gee, I'm sorry mister. You were here first." The man turned around to face him, hand stuffed in his pocket, clasping something bulky. He was clad all in black, including a ski mask pulled over his face. The officer looked at him surprised. "You goin' skiing mister? 'Cus boy are you lost then. You're hours from the nearest slopes."
The stranger shifted sightly, revealing the bulk that he had been concealing. A flicker of understanding flashed in the officer's eyes as he took a step backwards.
"Um, heh," beads of sweat became apparent upon his forehead. "I..I...I was just coming in for a doughnut."
Another slow step backwards. "B..B..But I can see this is a b..b..bad time."
He takes yet another step backwards and then in a movement that he hoped was quick, he unholstered his sidearm, released the safety, and fumbled. The gun fell with a crash to the ground as it fired with a crack, blowing a hole in the roof.
The officer cringed, and grinned nervously and sheepishly. "Um, lets pretend that never happened," he looked hopefully up at the stranger, and straight into the barrel of his own gun. "Uh..." he gulps hard and hears someone praying and begging for their life. After a few seconds he begins to realize it was him.
In the matter of time that felt like hours, but was more practically only a few minutes, the officer begged pitifully for his life, while the stranger chuckled. He enjoyed the rush of hearing small town cops plead for mercy from his wit and skill. He was just cocking the gun to see how much more of a fool this officer could make of himself when the doors swung open.
In walked a person who looked as out of place as an Armoni suit at a soup kitchen. "Mom, Dad, I'm home!" he called.
His head was half shaved and half of it, short in the back, sloped lower and lower as it covered his face. His eyes, as they scanned the scene were lined with pitch black eyeliner and he had piercings on every part of his face possible. His every inch screamed rocker, that is except for the ferret upon his shoulder. White, glossy, well taken care of and groomed, Spike sat proudly upon the boy's shoulder.
Instantly the boy realized what was going on, and he knew that he was going to have do something, there had not been one cop that he knew of in his lifetime that was capable of handling actual crime. He began to walk very slowly towards the stranger as spike jumped onto one of the shelves and appeared to run for cover.
The stranger started to panic, and pointed the gun from the boy to the man back to the boy. "Don't take another step, you hear? I'm going to blow your head off if you do!"
The boy took another steady step forward.
"I'm warning you, not another step!" Yet again the boy advanced towards the stranger. "Come on kid! I don't want to do this!"
The stranger started to put pressure on the trigger, about to pull it. The kid stared him straight in the eye, with no fear, no emotion except perhaps pity. The stranger twitched, baffled by the boy's attitude when Spike fell from the ceiling, landing on the stranger's hand and sinking it's rodent teeth in as it clawed into the strangers arms.
The gun fell with a clatter and again it discharged, hitting the stranger in the leg. He collapsed to the floor and the blubbering officer snatched up the gun, and pointed it at the man, picking up the other gun too. He then read the stranger his rights, placing the cuffs on as spike continued to gnaw on the stranger's hands and arms.
"Spike, release!" The boy kneeled as the rodent scurried towards him, scooped it up and tisked softly. "You got dirty, you mangy rascal. Come on, lets go get you cleaned up before we visit Mom and Dad. We don't want them thinking I don't know how to take care of you, now do we?"
The officer dragged the stranger down to the station, and booked him on armed robbery and assault of an officer. There was no mention in the report of the boy or the ferret, and he became the town hero once again. There was even a town monument built to honor the police officer- the first and only officer to defend the citizens in the face of danger.
From that moment forward, there was always a steady flow of doughnuts, whenever he wanted. He lived out the rest of his days peacefully, with out having to deal with anymore crime waves, only a few animals stuck up in trees.
- Title: Officer Bumble
- Artist: Sydd Rose
- Description: Some people have told me this reminds them of Homer Simpson as a cop. This is just a silly story that I know is overly cliched in spots. It's supposed to be fun and silly, not literary. Any suggestions of what needs to be worked on will be much appreciated. I will be posting more literary short stories in a little bit. Enjoy this silly short in the meanwhile.
- Date: 10/03/2008
- Tags: officer bumble humor silly