• Prologue

    Everyone has secrets. In this case I have many. There are none that I keep with friends. There are some issues I would like to speak of, but there would be no time that would be appropriate to speak of them. I may not look like a secretive person, but sadly I am one. Not only do I carry my secrets, I carry my friends secrets too. Most are just about who likes who. While others aren’t to ever be spoken about. Like the one secret that I keep bottled up inside of me. Just like my emotions have been ever since what I have done. I mean really it was an accident. Well, it wasn’t really an accident.

    Driven To Insanity Part I

    As she sits there in the darkness, she wonders if anyone is the same.
    “I’m tired of this same old crap,” she confesses.
    As she sits there weeping, she cries of the pain and secrets she keeps.
    “Some one help me please,” she screams, as her tears stream down her face.
    As she sits there laughing with all her friends, covering up all the tears she has inside.
    “I can’t take this any more, I’m about to break,” she says to herself.
    As she is breaking apart piece by piece, she’s wanting this and the suffering to end. As she finished that thought she hears a voice inside her whisper as if it were into her own ear, “Do not be afraid for I am here with you.”
    Then she wondered, “ who could be there for me?”
    As she sat there losing her head, driven to insanity, she spoke these words in her vacant room, “ I didn’t mean to kill him.”
    Driven To Insanity Part II

    As she sat there thinking about his death, was it her fault? Was it her who had pulled the trigger that had changed her life forever? Moreover could she keep the secret even though it would mean killing herself from the inside?
    As she sat there thinking about his never-ending smile, was he frowning in his coffin even if he was as strong he never shed a tear in his known child and teenage hood? Was he never not smiling? Could she ever forget that night and what had happened?
    As she sat there thinking about how they were in love, did he really love and care for me? Did I even do as much as love or care for him? What would it be like if he were still here today?
    As she sat there thinking about how she had done that dastardly deed, why were her last words to him so harsh? Why had she ended it like that, and not telling him how much she loved him and why she had to do this? Better yet, why did this happen?
    As she sat there thinking about how she was slowly going insane, there were so many questions, no answers, and no feelings but sorrow and hatred. So, so many thoughts were going through her head. There is no way out, or any way to run. Now here is her story.

    Driven To Insanity- The Story

    I didn’t mean to kill him. I loved him. He loved me. It was the perfect relationship. Nothing could go wrong. Well, I can’t say that anymore. I loved him, I swear I did. Now, I just sit here killing myself piece by piece from inside. I don’t know why. I guess it was because he had killed me from inside in the first place.
    How was I supposed to know those words he had spoken would really make me kill him. I mean we’ve been in fights before, they just weren’t as big as this one was. That final goodbye I spoke was as messed up as I was at the time. The words I spoke were, “ I love you good bye, go die, good bye. I love you good bye, go die, good bye.”
    I was “dead”, and I remember him staring over my coffin saying, “ I love you good bye.”
    Now it is me staring over his coffin chanting, “ I love you, good bye, go die good bye. I love you good bye, go die, good bye.”
    I’ve been wondering if I were the person who had committed his murder. Now, unfortunately, I know I had.
    When I’m at school I’m just a normal girl. I still keep that secret. No one knows. No one will ever know. When I’m with friends I laugh with them, sometimes I just daze out. My friends will ask,
    “ Julie are you okay?”
    I’ll answer, “ Yeah I’m fine.”
    Even though I’m not.
    When I’m at home I sit in the darkness breaking apart piece by piece. Sometimes I just fantasize what it would be like if he were still alive. While other times, I relive that event.
    My parents just think I’m in denial, but I know I’m not. I know I’m going slowly and surely insane. I want this to end but, I know it won’t. So much hatred, so much sorrow. It seems the only feelings I have anymore is sorrow and hatred.
    Sometimes I want to do something. Something I’m not so sure of yet. There’s only one thing that can solve this. But, I can’t do it. I won’t do it. Not only would it hurt my parents, it could hurt everyone and anyone that is close to me. Would he be sad too? Or do you not feel when you’re dead? I‘m thinking crazy again. Then again I am crazy. Sometimes you have to do things, even if you don’t want to.

    I finally went to bed. It’s the only peace I get any more. I still tossed and turned that night. I sensed something wrong and jolted awake in a cold sweat. I took a glance out of the window when I noticed a dark figure dart pass my yard. What was it?
    “Okay, now I know I’m seeing things,” I thought to myself.
    The next day I pushed Chase out of my mind. I couldn’t get what I saw that night out of my head. It would have been impossible if I had seen my own boyfriend. I mean he’s dead. Gone.
    “Mom, I could’ve sworn I saw Chase,” I said.
    “Julie, you need to settle down. It would have been impossible to see him. I know it seems harsh, but Chase is gone. Maybe you should rest. Forget about school tomorrow,” my mom had stated.
    “ But—,”I tried to say.
    “No but’s,” my mom said as a final answer.
    In defeat I walked back into my room knowing that no one would believe me. Then again maybe I was seeing things. But,
    it was just so vivid. If he is alive is he wanting revenge? If I see him again will anyone believe me? If no one believes me what will happen? If he does want revenge, what will happen to me? To many ifs! Why can’t I just forget about it? I’m putting to much stress on myself. Then again, am I not putting enough stress on myself. Finally, I was able to drift into a semi- deep sleep.
    “Is Chase here Mrs. Kess?
    “Yes hold on a minute sweet heart.”
    “Hey Chase lets go to the park,” I told him.
    “But, it’s already 10 P.M.,” he had said to me.
    “Yes, I know,” I had replied, “but that makes it all the better.
    Then, I woke up with a gasp and saw a dark figure staring over me with a look of menace in his eyes. I blinked and turned around. When I had looked back up, it was gone. In disbelief I fell back asleep.
    We walked to the park in silence. About a half- hour later we reached the vacant park. I told him to sit down and listen. Then I had pulled out that dreaded gun, as he was frozen in his seat I spoke these words, “ I love you good bye, go die, good bye. I love you good bye, go die good bye.” Then I had pulled the trigger that had changed my life forever.
    As I had woken up I glared at the clock. It read 10:36 P.M. Wait, that can’t be it; it was light outside. As I had thought, I had realized that that was the exact time that I had killed him. Why is this happening? Is this payback for the deed that I had done? Am I seeing things again? What if he really is still alive and just hiding from the human kind? People just think he’s missing. For all they know he could still be alive. Alive. What a funny word. What does it truly mean to be alive? But, I know better, it would be impossible for him to be alive. I’m the one who had killed him. So many lies I had to tell. Was it worth it all? If I had the chance to go back into time, would I do it any differently? If I knew this would happen, then yes I would.

    Dear Diary,

    I think Chase is still alive. I keep seeing a figure outside my bedroom window. The figure has the same build, the same height, oddly enough I can smell his cologne, and the jacket he had lent me on our last date is missing. The figure also looks like it is wearing that jacket. I know it can’t happen, but then again nothing is impossible.
    Julie Young

    Later in second period I was called into the principals office.
    “Officer Ann,” I had said calmly, “what a surprise.”
    “I would like to ask you a few questions and give you a little news,” she had told me clearly.
    “Sure, no problem,” I had stated.
    “So what were the questions?”
    “ Lets start with the news and statements. Then we can go to the questions.
    I nodded getting a little anxious.
    “Go ahead,” I said with my heart racing.
    “So far we have no evidence of his whereabouts,” Officer Ann had said.
    “But,” she added, “you two were close. We also understand that you two had a small quarrel.”
    I nodded my head in agreement with a tear in my eye.
    “Do you mind telling me what it was about,” she had asked.
    “Well it was quite a long time ago,” I had tried to state.
    “But, I guess I can summarize the events.”
    So I had begun the false story I had told and retold for so many dismal and unforgettable times, that I now know that horrid story by heart.
    “Okay,” I had started, “I was in the hallway talking to Jacoby Peterson. Well, Chase is the jealous type. I guess he had finally had enough and was tired of me talking to other guys, because he had said these last words to me as he had broken up with me.”
    After that I had started to well up from inside. I continued the end of my story,
    “ I love you but, goodbye.”
    “ Um, uh, well okay then, that all we need to know Julie. Thank you. Have a nice day.”
    I nodded and went back to class. As soon as I got back to class the final bell rang and I started to walk home. I wasn’t really to thrilled to go home. Then again, I’m not really thrilled to go any where now. As I was walking I felt eyes burning through my back. But, when ever I turned around no one was there.
    “I’m just being paranoid,” I said to myself.
    “ You’re not being paranoid,” I heard someone snicker from behind me somewhere.
    I looked around nervously. No one. I grabbed at my pocket for my cell as I had realized that I had left it at home on the charger. I was starting to get desperate. More and more I had been believing that Chase had come back to life. I know I’m thinking to impossible, but as I said earlier, nothing is impossible. So, I began quickening my pace. But, one thing, that voice, I mean it was, well, no, but, well, yes it was.

    “Mom I’m not kidding anymore, I haven’t been kidding at all! I saw, well, heard Chase wether you like, or believe me or not! I know he’s alive. I think he’s alive!’ I had shouted and sighed at the same time. I stormed up to my room. I was in such a rage! But, then all of the what if’s and the should I’s hit me.
    What if he’s still alive? What if he’s mad at me? Should I take precaution? Should I be afraid?
    Then my mind went blank with an exception of one question, “What if he wants to kill me?”
    I shuddered at the thought. Then, I heard a snicker, the same snicker as before. I quickly turned around. Once again no one was there. Was I going insane? I didn’t even think it. I knew and felt it too. I was getting really worried. I might have killed a person whom I has loved dearly. Then the words of that night hit me,
    “ I love you good bye go die good bye, I love you good bye go die good bye.”
    Then I heard a crash come from the kitchen. At first I thought that I was imagining it from the gun shot of that night. I knew that the vision was shattered as my mom had shouted,
    “Julie,” as if in agony.
    My heart began to race as it pounded a mile a minute in my chest.
    What had happened? Is she hurt? I stopped dead in my tracks as I had approached the kitchen. I saw my mom there clutching her arm while her glistening tears strum down her face. I ran to go get my cell phone to call an ambulance. I couldn’t seem to find it. I went to find my moms’ cell phone. Once again that had disappeared. Those were our only phones so the only choice I had left would be to drive my mom to the hospital. I went back to the kitchen to get my mom and put her into the car. I gasped as I noticed tat she wasn’t there.
    Before I knew what I was doing I was going around and opening up all of the doors to the house. That’s when I heard my mom screaming from the upstairs bathroom. My heart became to beat as if it were about to come out of my chest. As I reached the bathroom I saw the figure drenched in Chases’ coat. I saw it give me that familiar sneer as I heard him let out a low ominous chuckle. It was then I knew who it was.
    “ Chase, please, please don’t do it. Not to my mother. She didn’t do anything.”
    His head snapped up as he spoke these words of hatred,
    “ You had no hesitation to ‘kill’ me. So why should I have hesitation to kill you or your mother? Now, I am giving you a choice. A choice of life or death. You can keep your life and I kill your mother. Or, I can kill you, and spare your mothers’ life.”
    At that point I was on my knees in tears. I knew I would have to spare my mothers’ life. She hadn’t done anything wrong. I looked up into her eyes. Afterwards I looked into his almost pitch black eyes that used to be the most lovely color of hazel. Was he as insane as I was? Was he driven to insanity just because I had tried to kill him? All that I knew was that I had to answer him now.
    “ I have to spare my mothers’ life. I can’t let her be punished for what I have done,” I had said with as much dignity as I could muster.
    “ Hah, the goody-goody Julie is going to let her mother live? Oh! Maybe you’ll die like a hero. As if in battle? Is this what it feels like? Like that would ever happen! I guess it is an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. In this case I guess it’s a life for a life, and love for love.”
    “ But, I didn’t kill you! You’re standing in front of me right now! Aren’t I right Chase?”
    “Well, aren’t you just the smart one. Or shall I call you the brave one?”
    “No, Chase, you shouldn’t call me either of those. I wasn’t brave, and I wasn’t smart. I was rather stupid; to stunned by love. I knew I shouldn’t do it. But, then, I couldn’t live with or withou-”
    I was bent down and doubled over in pain that shot through my chest. I was crying, the pain intensifying by the moment. Then everything went blank, nothingness. Where was I? How did I get here? Nothing but whiteness everywhere. Then I had dropped back down reliving what had just happened.
    “Oh, oh my gosh. Is my mother going to be okay?”
    This couldn’t be happening. How did I get here anyway? I remember pain, lots and lots of pain. Maybe a little blood. But, what was he holding? How am I going to get out? Arrrrrgggghhh! To many questions! I had one more question that popped into my head, Was I dead? No, no, I can’t be dead. Anyway didn’t this only happen in movies or storybooks? Well, not anymore I guess, this is happening to me. What ever I did, I guess I deserve what is happening to me. Chase isn’t dead though. He’s alive. Or at least I think he is...
    I looked around once more, and still nothing. What will happen? Will I just disintegrate into nothingness too? I can’t do anything. All that I can do is just stand here waiting. But, waiting for what? What exactly am I waiting to do? There’s nothing here. Well, except for me.
    “What am I going to do? I still don’t even know if my mom is okay.”

    “Doctor, is Julie going to be okay,” I heard some frantic voice whisper into room.
    “She’ll be okay, but we’re not so sure about the boy,” came the reply of some serious tone which was probably the doctors’.
    Where am I now? Hmm I must be in the hospital... Wait, who is that boy that there talking about? Are they talking about Chase?
    “Mum we a ei,” is all that I could mumble.
    Why couldn’t I talk correctly?
    ”Shhh Julie, you’ll be okay, just try not to talk. Okay sweetie?”
    I couldn’t mumble any response all I did was go to sleep, a deep, deep sleep.

    When I had finally woken up, and was able to open my eyes I felt a great pain in my side and I noticed it was dark. Then, I had remembered where I was and how I got there. I remembered Chase, my mom, me, the bathroom, the gun, wait, why was Chase in hospital for? This is getting real wrong. This has to be a dream. I even said that this can only happen in movies. I was able to get a side glance at who was next to me.
    Oh, my gosh, it was Chase, bloody and unmoving. What had happened to him? Then it just all clicked into my brain. What if he had shot himself because he shot me. Okay, that way too mushy. Yeah, she shoots himself because he shot me. He tries to kill himself because he tried to kill me. Yeah, that just makes perfect sense. But still, isn’t it still a possibility? I mean I tried to kill him because I loved him. Do we have some kind of twisted love going on here? It’s like if we cant love each other then we cant live? What have I gotten myself into? I wonder if he still loves me though.
    I decided to lay back down; I was still feeling a little weak. About five minutes later a nurse with a kind smile came in.
    “ Hi, Julie, how are you feeling?”
    Oh, I’m just nice and dandy, I only just got shot.
    “ I’m feeling a little weak and my side is hurting pretty badly”, I decided to go with instead.
    “ Okay, I’ll give you some more medicine that will help numb the pain a little more.”
    I looked at the little thing in her hand. What in the world was that?
    All that I know is that it made me get very sleepy again. Wow, what is this stuff? Ug, it just makes me too sleepy though. It’s like I know im asleep, but I can still think. I’m conscious but I’m unconscious at the same time. As my thoughts started to fade, so did the pain. I woke up to what seemed late morning. I looked to the right side of me to find my mom looking over my bed with a worried expression on her face.
    “Mum, what exactly happened,” I tried to say.
    Ug, still couldn’t talk straight.
    “ Julie, try not to speak now, the medication you have is making you a little drowsy.”
    This really sucks, I can’t talk, I can’t ask questions, and I can’t even look sideways anymore to see Chase.
    A couple minutes later the food trays came by. I feels as if I hadn’t eaten in days. Then again, I might have been asleep for days. The nurse helped me sit up a little when she got the tray adjusted. I was able to take a quick side glance at Chase. He was beaten up really bad, a lot of machines hooked up to him. I saw him looking at me the best he could. I could feel my heart ache. Was it me who had done this?
    “ Julie, I’m going to need you to sit up as straight as you can please,” the nurse had told me.
    I grunted and sat up as straight as I could. God, this hurt. Where did he shoot me anyways? I couldn’t even feed myself! I opened my mouth as the nurse fed me. Gosh, this stuff was horrible too. When I thought I would be able to hold off for a while I shook my head and told her the best I could that I was fine.
    I’m not going to go into the details of the last three weeks; here’s a bit of a summary, I was in pain, I was bored, Chase stared at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, I stared at him when I thought he wasn’t looking, every half hour I was asked how I felt. So that’s how it went. I went back home. By that time every one had known what had happened. It was all over the news. Unbelievable.
    I had gone back to school a week after I was home. Sad as it was I felt sorry for Chase and me. I was still contemplating on wether this twisted relationship was even real. I was still even half thinking that this was just one big dream. I felt that I had turned into a robot. I did the same thing almost every day. Wake up, shower, dress, eat, brush teeth, head out the door, go to school, not pay attention, lunch, not pay attention, home, eat, sleep, and do the same the day after. On weekends it was the same with out going out the door and going home.
    About a month after my robot life, I had gotten news that Chase had just gotten out of the hospital. I wasn’t sure about what I was supposed to do. Talk to him? Ask him about what happened? Oh, my gosh. Is life about to repeat its self?
    Nah, it can’t be repeating.... Can it?