A story

• Artist: Anime_Lover 27318
• Description: This is a story I am writing but have taken a little break from, It will depend on when I continue by the ratings I get.
• Date: 12/02/2008
• Tags: story

Ren-Chapter one: The beginning
He stood outside the door of room 23.He looked at the card as he held it. The card showed which room each student at the dormitory had to be in for the following school year. He walked in to reveal a room with two desks, two beds and 1 bathroom. He sighed and threw his luggage onto one of the beds and laid down next to it. He looked around the room at the extra furniture and just decided it was a room normally shared by two people. He guessed he would have to share a room with some other person and laid down again. He hadn't been close to anyone since the day the rest of his family had died in that car accident and he still curses the day he was the only one who survived. He just decided to leave it in the back of his mind for now and he got comfortable, unpacked and laid down to go to sleep.

Several hours later his roomate arrived. She walked in and turned on the lights. Akemi was exactly the opposite of Hachirou in every way. She threw her luggage onto the bed which woke Hachirou up. Without opening his eyes, he said, " Hey, I don't know you and I don't want too, so stay away from me as far as possible, ok?" He was surprised when he heard the answer and the voice he heard it in, "listen, I am your roomate and I can do whatever I want." He sat up and they looked at each other. Hachirou saw a girl with brown hair, blue eyes, a nice posture and a medium chest. Akemi saw a boy with messy black hair, Blue eyes a terrible posture and slightly muscular. She stood at the foot of his bed and asked, " Who are you? My name is Akemi Daichi. I didn't know these cabins were co-ed, and I dont think they are either. What room are you in? I am in room 23?" " Me too", said Hachirou," my name is Hachirou Kaoru. Now that you know my name, leave me alone." "Hachirou,"she said," I'll do whatever I want, it's both our rooms." They got into each other's faces and started yelling so loud at each other anything they said was inaudible to everyone else listening, but soon after, they stopped. Their lips met and stayed where they were for the next 2 minutes. Then finally, they pulled away and Hachirou said, "I think we have an understanding."

Comments

[BewareOfTheYellowPanda]

I rate it a 4/5 because it is a little sudden and "choppy". I also noticed you gave a whole lot of information... maybe try to give a few mysterious details now and then, like instead of "He look at the car as he held it", you can maybe say "He stared at the card for a long second, rereading it over and over in his hands and it shook in his tight grip." Or, instead of "She walked in and turned on the lights", you could put, "He heard footsteps in the distance, and then the light flickered on."

[Anime_Lover 27318]

I know it may be a little sudden and stuff but remember its only chapter 1 also if you vote please tell me how u rated

[Hekibel]

Ummm.... a little sudden.... and a bit... choppy...

Keep writing though!