What if I told you Part 1

• Artist: Bleeding Cyanide
• Description: This is one of my journal entries and i thought that maybe its good enough to be judged so give good opinions and add comments to help and improve my writing and ideas for part 2. Thanks all, Roxxi
• Date: 01/11/2009
• Tags: told part

Please read the entire thing! No it is not boring!!!:



The rain falls silently. I lay restless. My wound worsening. And pain stabbing in my shoulder. Soft pitter on the windowsill. Then a knock. I rap on the bed frame to let the person come in. The person who answers the door is Elisabeth. She quietly comes to me and takes the masking tape off my mouth.
"Why are you here?" I ask
"For you, I need to get you out of here!" She answers
"O.k untie me then" Elisabeth unties me and lifts me up. She asks about my arm and I say I'm fine. Even though I have the worst stabbing pain ever!! She opens the door and we run out. The guard is sleeping and somewhat still alert. We sneak past him and past the glass door. Then past the diamond sculpture and into the main hall. She looks somewhat tired but awake. I ask her if she's o.k. She just shrugs.
Then to the front door. Slowly we open it. Jacobs waiting with 3 horses. I take mine Flo. Elisabeth takes hers Footstep and Jacob is on his Midnight rain. We trot off into the darkness. Jacob hands me a jug of water and I drink deeply because I know someday I might not be rescued from them. The queen in the tallest castle seems to be sleeping so we move on from my torture place. They take me to Elisabeth's' castle.
"No it's no safe, they'll know where we are!" Says Jacob.
"Good call" Elisabeth remarks.
We continue down into the dense forest until we come to a clearing. No one knows what awaits us for now only fate knows. Maybe some will live. Maybe I'll go back to that wretched place. That is what fate is to decide.

Comments

[queenalla14]

i honestly thought this was boring because i barely understood it . but good enough job

[No_PlAyAz_AlLoWeD]

THAT WAS WONDERFUL!!!!!!!! i wish i could read more.
5,0000,000000,0000000,0000000000000 stars

[Saii hime]

4 stars.

[vampiric sorrow]

sorry but it is kind of boring. try using different methods to describe your story.

[Ze Pocky Thief]

Lovely writing Jade!~ ^_^ A suggestion I'd give to you would be to add and write p.o.v.'s (point of view). Not only for your main character, but also for your minor characters too. :] In p.o.v., write what things are going on the character's head; what they are thinking. Anyway, great work!~ ^_^ (& cool, first comment!! XD ) 5/5 stars~