• (a prologue, narrated by Alec Baldwin of course.)

    After breaking up his marginally acclaimed project Russian Roulette Championship, Jaron soon went on to create a total of eleven (11) musical endeavors. None of them flower into true projects, and he instead loses credibility within the thriving music scene he set out to destroy. He then falls in love with a girl named Fred, and they date for exactly two hundred eighty nine(289) hours. Within this time frame he has already created thirteen (13) songs about her, and in frustration during their separation he releases the aptly named '13 Songs' (modeled after the Fugazi compilation album of the same name) through multiple internet filesharing sites. 13 Songs receives little to no recognition. On comment about the album and concept; Jaron replies: "I had originally intended for the album to be named 'I Love You Fred', but after much consideration I felt that such a name was completely inappropriate for the time."
    After seventeen (17) failed suicide attempts, Jaron embarked on a spiritual journey to the Philippines to retrace his roots. This fiasco causes him to have over five hundred thousand (500,000) pesos in debt. After fleeing back to America, he walked from all the way to Portland Oregon through a phase of his life based off the of something he learned from Terry Zwigoff's film 'Art School Confidential': "Your presence in the art world is directly proportionate to how good you are at fellatio."
    Jaron still resides in Portland, making a hundred thousand (100,000) dollars a year working as a homeless man.


    Cory announced a 'short hiatus from music' soon after leaving Russian Roulette Championship. His father eventually paid him the thousands of dollars owed to him, and Cory used this fortune to invest more heavily in stocks, more specifically his cherished stock in entertainment giant 'Disney', which have since never recovered. Upon opening a studio in a little shack behind his home, he finds the key to the legendary 'Tomb of the Russian Prince Pyotr', which he sold onto the internet listing site Craigslist for a marginal sum of forty (40) dollars.
    Later in life Cory woke up to find he had 'Crabbcakes' tattooed to his chest in green and pink lettering. He has since then never gone to a beach or a swimming pool. In a stroke of luck he was chosen to participate in the Fox game show 'Don't Forget the Lyrics', winning twenty five thousand (25,000) dollars after accidentally excluding a necessary word in the lyrics of Johny Nash's 'I Can See Clearly Now'. Upon celebration of the accumulation of such money, he opted to add in a professionally done crab dancing on the frosting of a three layered cake under his previous 'Crabbcakes' tattoo.
    Cory currently still resides in Alaska, where he kicks a** and chews crab cakes.


    Argel feverishly pursued much higher musical interests after leaving Russian Roulette Championship. His first endeavor was more embarrassing than anything, as it involved him busking on the Old Seward Highway with a tan colored acoustic guitar. He achieved a total of thirty five (35) cents. Soon after, he was featured in March issue of the guitar enthusiast magazine 'Guitar World' in a small side box on page fourty six (46) in eighty nine (89) characters.
    His heart was left emotionally tattered after his cousin Jaron ran off with his best friend Fred. Soon after the release of Jaron's '13 Songs', Argel went onto release his Epynomynous debut under the name 'Battle Plasma Rifle', which fared much more and better reception than Jaron's '13 Songs'. Upon comment of the success of the album, he stated that he (sic) 'was glad that he didn't name the his album 'I Flipping Hate You Jaron Saturnno', and instead settled on a self-titled debut.
    Argel enrolled at many music intensive classes at the University of Southern California, where he met Alanis. They collaborated in a joint venture, and created the legendary album that would forever be known as Argel's great opus: 'I Flipping Hate You Jaron Saturnino'. They both dropped out, and the two married shortly after, and had two children, Rick and Gibson.
    Argel died seven (7) years after marriage tragically trying to save his wife and children from a sinking battleship.