• Now here is a tale I seldom intrigue my visitors with; its perverse language usually not deemed fit for an audience of upstanding concern, however, I find the story must be told, to warn future children about this hideous creature which lurks about the sewers (I meant sewers of our social fathoms, not REAL sewers, that would be preposterous… wait… umm… let me--). So, alas, sit down and enjoy this story garnered in sordid despair and inadequate nurturing (by the way you should probably sit on a toilet whilst reading this for you’ll probably end up crapping your pants in fear), for it is only one of a kind, and you’ll probably never want to read it again. (As a side note, although this is based on real people, the events might not be as reliable as one would love to believe. I sure know I would.)

    ***



    Another school day yet again plagued the likes of the Freaky Looking Kid, its despondent qualities overwhelming him with everything utterly devoid of sanity, for but of course, there was no such thing as YuGiOh in this unharmonious environment. The lack of YuGiOh often awakened an urge within him so abruptly unnatural in physique and consistency, the Freaky Looking Kid could not hold back. He realized it then, as the red hot feeling of desire quaked his abnormally long throat, the folds of sanity pulling back and unraveling their greatest achievement, that he must say something about YuGiOh. But to whom?

    Where was he? Who in his location could even offer to comprehend the complex language and dire urgency of YuGiOh? Who was most worthy? The Freaky Looking Kid generally paid no notion to his surroundings, unless of course his body was naked and completely covered in a swath of YuGiOh cards. As he peered around himself, lifting his bleary red eyes from their former attachment, he understood he was not in a YuGiOh related setting. No, this place was perverse! Immoral! There were no overlapping posters of the Dark Magician Girl or Stardust Dragon complete with promotional figurines from the various animes spread around the room. Instead, blocking his wondrous path of YuGiOh was a funny looking white square thing on which an exuberantly tall man wrote alien symbols. As the Freaky Looking Kid shifted his fractious eyes around the room, it dawned upon him there were others his own age in this room as well. Where on earth was he?

    He turned his head this way and that, accompanied by unnecessary (but to the Freaky Looking Kid completely worthwhile) violent jerks of his enormously ill proportionate body in order to ascertain his location. The chair lurched with such immaculate profession in the direction he steered his body; the rest of the participants in the room could not help but notice. Nearly everyone in the class glanced at him in confusion, but the Freaky Looking Kid passed it off as possible worship. Why else would they grant him their attention? To the left of him sat someone the Freaky Looking Kid believed enjoyed his company, but for some reason always tried his best to avoid the Freaky Looking Kid. The Freaky Looking Kid sighed in complete disarray. No, he would not be the best YuGiOh conversational companion for this boy always belittled the ideals and doctrines YuGiOh proposed. The one in front of the Freaky Looking Kid was popular. Best to avoid him.

    In the future, as the Freaky Looking Kid hypothesized, the Freaky Looking Kid would conveniently plant the seeds in those that did not see the full prowess of YuGiOh, and YuGiOh would flourish. But first, the Freaky Looking Kid must become friends with Popular People, for Popular People had a tendency to categorize him as a freak, and unbeknownst to the Freaky Looking Kid always laughed at him behind his back. The Freaky Looking Kid had not the slightest of this rift, and always assumed himself on friendly terms with Popular People. Because the Freaky Looking Kid was God of YuGiOh, everyone must worship him.

    Not far from him, sat a girl whom the Freaky Looking Kid had tormented once before; constantly questioning her attractiveness, sexuality, intelligence, ideals, abilities, and sanity all in a daily manner. In response, she either physically hit him, or lay upon him the wrath of her insults. He knew this girl liked YuGiOh too, but not even close to this massive reverence to the godly subject, and besides, she became angry with him. She had absolutely no right to be angry with him, for he was God of YuGiOh, and one day YuGiOh would rule. He turned to his right and saw this black haired Mexican with a pinched nose whom the Freaky Looking Kid only regarded as simply The Guy I Talk to About YuGiOh With and Seems to Know A Lot about It Too.

    He turned to The Guy I Talk to About YuGiOh With and Seems to Know A Lot about It Too, and said, “YuGiOh, YuGiOh, YuGiOh!” To which The Guy I Talk to About YuGiOh With and Seems to Know A Lot about It Too answered, “YuGiOh.” But the FLK could not control it any longer. He could no longer hide his savoring compulsion for YuGiOh. He must announce it to the world!

    Suddenly, the Freaky Looking Kid stood, surprising the entire classroom as his chair flew into the nearby wall with such an incredulous thud it almost threatened the entire room with shivers of fear. He leaped to his feet in such a surge of energy, the entire classroom sat pinned desperately to their seats, while the tall man in front clutched in good proximity of the phone. The Freaky Looking Kid reared his small, but crazed dysfunction of a head above his fellow students, standing at a total height of six and a half feet. His skin was pale, but not the pretty sort of pale that dwells in those with a fair and pink complexion, but the sickly pastiness that creates the impression of one’s skin as cheese or butter. In fact, it almost appeared as though (to me at least, although technically as the narrator I’m not supposed to be in this story, but let’s just pretend here) I could take a butter knife, make a small incision, and yet although the incision small in girth and width, it would grow and leak lard all over the precious floor the creature dirtied with his presence. However, the Freaky Looking Kid was not at all fat; in fact he was extremely thin, although unnaturally doughy. Then again, everything about the Freaky Looking Kid was amazingly unnatural, and if I were to give a complete up to date description of this monstrous beast, unnatural would appear almost as commonly as YuGiOh would. (Yet again, it is not my place to declare it my story, since it was already predetermined I would waste my efforts on him.) This pallid appearance was not in one bit subject to comparison in the manner of his dress or grooming.

    It was as though the last time he had been shopping was when he was below six feet, and what only mortal souls can presume, ten years old. His jeans, utterly faded and unraveling, came up about an inch above his ankles when he stood, giving those who dared take their eyes off his unbalanced lumbering arms, a clear view to what appeared to be white crew socks—at least, they may have been white at one point. His sneakers were those that fourth graders buy when they have not yet met the injustice of proper fashion, and still only know the simplicity of acquired comfort. His shirt could quite possibly remind those in the room of the Kohl’s boys’ section sizes 8-20, and his jeans also seemed to come from there. It appeared as though puberty veiled to afflict him in the most horrible manner for his face was incredibly oily and filled with tumults of acne. His hair was cut in the crude fashion of a crew cut, although it was so uneven, one could never ascertain this as truth. The hair gave him the bearing of a not yet outwardly homosexual swimmer. In fact, when all of his aspects combined, he almost resembled a nerdy, out of shape, and flaming Michael Phelps.

    As it was in the classroom, the eyes of everyone besides the Freaky Looking Kid widened in response to his frightful approach, and their mouths shut taut with anxiety. The Freaky Looking Kid peered over them all with a look of disgust and raised his mighty fists before he pounded his chest with such animalistic tendency; the victims gained enough courage to edge slowly away from him. He bellowed in what was for him deep ferocity, although it turned out to be a rather high pitched barbaric scream that almost sounded like a female baboon’s agonized wail.
    “YYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” was all she wrote in terms of his outburst, for once the enormous trail of the word left his thin lips, he regained his composure and sat down on the chair he had thrown about before. “Oh, that’s YuGiOh right YuGiOh,” he thought to himself as the inhabitants of the room crawled safely away from his domain. “I’m YuGiOh in [not] YuGiOh school.”

    ***


    At the Freaky Looking Kid’s house, the Freaky Looking Kid often had no companions, or anyone who would even deem him worthwhile to look at except his two headed pigeon whom he named Kuriboh. The Freaky Looking Kid had found Kuriboh in one of the gutters of his home approximately five years before. It was a chance meeting; whereupon the Freaky Looking Kid was yet again scavenging around his house for more possible YuGiOh cards. He never quite understood why, but whenever he rummaged through the garbage cans, he found numbers of YuGiOh cards. He believed it was the act of the YuGiOh gods for whenever he discovered these new precious additions, just about the same number of these cards disappeared from his hearth. From this, the Freaky Looking Kid arrived at the sole conclusion that the YuGiOh gods must not approve of him having more than a certain number of cards at one particular moment, so they consistently kept the Freaky Looking Kid’s YuGiOh powers in check by constantly removing and redistributing YuGiOh cards to him. From this, the Freaky Looking Kid derived another important fact: he was the Messiah of YuGiOh. Why else would these gods pay heed to him? Why else would they suspect his powers to overtake him? They must think he was a drop of lovely oil into the lamp which had never seen steam since its creation. And thus, the Freaky Looking Kid fed off of his theory, and soon it became the only matter of his existence.

    The Freaky Looking Kid in the midst of routine, tossed his back pack on his family’s couch in such a careless style, it behooved his parents every afternoon to question him on his arrival and treatment of the family’s hard earned possessions. And in habitual response, the Freaky Looking Kid of course ignored each and every single one of their complaints. The back pack would remain there until it fell to the floor, where it would reach the same fate as his family; scorned and rejected. His homework was of absolutely no importance to him, only YuGiOh, Kuriboh, and his humane exercises.

    He clambered to his room, in his awkward strut that mimicked his two headed pigeon’s roaming so accurately, it is hard to determine if his walking pattern evolved from continuous accompaniment on his pigeon’s part, or if his asymmetrical body dealt the painful card. To give an accurate account of his bizarre behavior, his head bobbed in an estranged method, not unlike a chicken or pigeon, and he took strides far too long for his legs to accommodate.

    Kuriboh flew aimlessly throughout the Freaky Looking Kid’s room in another vain attempt to escape. As customary to the poor pigeon’s existence, the Freaky Looking Kid had barred and protected his room from such an event, causing Kuriboh to slowly to refrain from the hopeless endeavor, and subsequently withdraw into a state most likely known as depression. When the Freaky Looking Kid entered his jurisdiction, Kuriboh halted his antics, and flitted gracefully into a solemn landing on the Freaky Looking Kid’s dresser which resided perpendicular to the entrance. Kuriboh knew better then to offend his so called master.

    The Freaky Looking Kid easily reached his hand to stroke the bird under its beak; Kuriboh, having two heads—although one apparently had no control over the body—cooed in polite response to appease the monster. As the Freaky Looking Kid neglected to provide any true care for Kuriboh (ordinarily the bird acquired its nourishment from food the Freaky Looking Kid left lying about his room), Kuriboh had no choice but to defecate at its own whim. This meant a precarious number of white stains littering the interior of the room that a lucid human being would regard as unholy and repulsive. However, to the Freaky Looking Kid it added a nurturing tint of home to his humble abode, warming it into a deep satisfaction and pride.

    The Freaky Looking Kid, exhausted with the tedious expedition of mulling different strategies related to YuGiOh over and over in the entirety of his day, flopped to his bed which had not been washed in a year and saturated an astonishing amount of the stains. The Freaky Looking Kid drove his face farther into his bed sheets, taking in the capacity of his livelihood and breathing out in relief. It was when he raised his head, did he see the bloated stack of YuGiOh cards on his nightstand positioned ever so carefully next to his YuGiOh themed lamp, did he feel the unrestrained humanistic impulse.

    Kuriboh watched the following event every single day in curious fascination; for whatever it was the Freaky Looking Kid happened to fancy himself with often provided vague entertainment for the bird. Even the intelligence Kuriboh possessed told the pigeon it was a private affair the Freaky Looking Kid delved into, and consequently humiliating. Therefore, it was a prize to watch.

    The Freaky Looking Kid sat partially up, leaning against his bedstead, and twisted over to pick a few cards from the pile. He felt a wave of unprecedented sensation warp through his languid body, peeling away at his insecurities and chasteness. Out of control with passion, he tore his shirt off his body with such velocity it caused Kuriboh to ruffle its feathers. The Freaky Looking Kid ignored the bird, and continued with his heated escapade, rubbing the cards all over his bare chest, sighing deeply, amorously, and drove one of the cards ever so gently towards his neck.

    Kuriboh cocked its heads to one side, staring with omnipotent eyes the Freaky Looking Kid refused to acknowledge. No, he was lost now, lost in his own amounting desires sustained in deep surfs of emotion emulating from his heated core. He rubbed the YuGiOh card into his neck while simultaneously inching a few more down towards his pelvis. Kuriboh continued to bore into this event with its eyes, blaring distinctly, as if reaching into the Freaky Looking Kid’s very soul. Yet now, the Freaky Looking Kid was rubbing his large hand up and down in rhythmic security, while with his other hand shuffled the YuGiOh cards amongst his provolone cheese-like body. Kuriboh still busied its eyes into the esteemed infraction until the Freaky Looking Kid stopped moaning and yelped a discernible, “YuGiOh!” to which informed the bird the deed was done, and so Kuriboh flew to the windowsill.

    When the Freaky Looking Kid had readied and so called dressed himself, he found the little paper masks he had devised for Kuriboh. The masks resembled the heads of the fusion card Cyber Twin Dragon, and he regularly attached them to the poor pigeon. When the Freaky Looking Kid affixed the paper creations to Kuriboh, the bird had no aspirations of being able to see, and would remain blinded until the Freaky Looking Kid left the horrid place the following day.

    “Today YuGiOh Kuriboh, I YuGiOh…” the Freaky Looking Kid began. The bird, if it had the ability, would have professed its distaste with another bland story told in the incomprehensible dialect of this monster by rolling its eyes. Unfortunately, it could do nothing but perch and sometimes strut back and forth in a confused and futile motion that went unfounded.

    ***


    The next week, the Freaky Looking Kid having dealt with his assigned penalties, astounded himself by being aware of his location for an entire day. It was not until he had situated himself in the Classroom that Taught Calculus did he see her. The most beautiful woman he ever did lay eyes on—this Fabulous Freakishly Fat Woman. She waddled into the room with the grace of a thousand angels all struggling to push her through the frictionless air, which stressed in vicinity to hold her back. This may have attributed to her immense weight which almost appeared to create its own gravitational field almost like a star. Yes, that was what she was, the Freaky Looking Kid thought to himself, yes, assuredly she was a bag of skin filled with an insensible quantity of gas and mass. This struck a harmonious chord with him that he had never quite experienced before—this, he thought (omitting the various “YuGiOh”s that also afflicted his tendency) must be YuGiOh love at first sight. He sighed passively to himself, and felt his face grow as red as a juicy summer tomato.

    There are particular tomatoes achieved only by the correct proportion of nitrates and oxides and other ingredients world renound fertilizers include. They grow in the correct amount of sunlight only allowed into full assortment by texture and chemical balance of the soil. Then, one must water the plant in a methodical fashion, and treat it like one would his or her own child. And once the plant bears fruit, a correct passage of time must occur before the tomato can be carefully plucked by its owner. This perfect tomato of summer would be the most precise description of the shade the Freaky Looking Kid’s face turned.

    ***


    Journal Entry #465

    Dear Journal,

    Today I saw YuGiOh the most beautiful YuGiOh woman ever YuGiOh in my life. I was so YuGiOh happy. She is YuGiOh not as beautiful as YuGiOh, but I YuGiOh love the way YuGiOh her beady eyes YuGiOh stare at YuGiOh food and YuGiOh beautiful blubber YuGiOh shakes every time she moves. When I grow up, I want to marry YuGiOh. I want to own a YuGiOh ranch and YuGiOh raise lots of YuGiOh. This YuGiOh woman got YuGiOh me started YuGiOh about my future because YuGiOh I want her to YuGiOh be in YuGiOh it. I do YuGiOh not know YuGiOh how though. Kuriboh almost YuGiOh pecked through the YuGiOh window. I got angry. Today I threw my dirty YuGiOh underwear YuGiOh all over the place YuGiOh because I was so angry at Kuriboh. My YuGiOh mommy got mad. She told me YuGiOh to get rid of Kuriboh and to clean up after YuGiOh myself. I told her YuGiOh to worship me YuGiOh because I am gods of YuGiOh. I’m grounded. Like I YuGiOh will follow YuGiOh her orders.

    ***


    That night professed a very special interest for the Freaky Looking Kid. A new subtitled version of the most recent YuGiOh 5Ds episode had just been released. The Freaky Looking Kid held high affinities for Yusei and Rex Godwin due to the amounting envy the Freaky Looking Kid had for Yusei and the overwhelming attractiveness Godwin possessed. Once again, in a tremendous affection of ecstasy, the Freaky Looking Kid bred a complete satisfaction based solely on the premise of this anime. His enjoyment suffered no avail; the beautiful symphony of playing YuGiOh and riding on a motorcycle at the same time invigorated the Freaky Looking Kid with such a prodigious raise of self-esteem, he almost felt the power rush through his veins as though he too were Yusei. (Of course in MY opinion, that is completely outrageous and utterly disrespectful to ultra sexy hot Yusei)

    Kuriboh now contemplated suicide as this day marked the start of the sixth year trapped in the vicious hell the Freaky Looking Kid entombed him in. All the pigeon knew was darkness which suffocated the poor thing in a claim with no purpose. The Freaky Looking Kid had tied the paper masks on so tight, Kuriboh could no longer forage amongst the various wrappers and dirty dishes scattered on the floor and crevices. It could not sense the ants and roaches and other arthropods which scurried in search of an extra meal as well. Kuriboh was deftly impaired, and the bird felt its innocent soul slip into an oblivion of sorrow it could not even begin to comprehend. But all of this would not go to waste, nor would Kuriboh’s intent go unpunished. For just as the bird took a step, it dwindled into the most horrible misfortune of finding itself encased in a pair of the Freaky Looking Kid’s dirty underwear. Death favored the bird and it passed instantly. If I may be so rude to intercede, there should be no explanation as to why the pigeon’s cause of death is as so. It was a vile and unprecedented death, but a death all the same, and although I disagree with the circumstances and captivity of the poor creature, let us not forget the vicious monster who locked the bird away.

    It took namely a week until the Freaky Looking Kid noticed the death of his only companion. It was not the mortifying stench of decay or the voracious ants that pulled away the only scraps of flesh the pigeon had to its bones that caused the Freaky Looking Kid to notice the affair of Kuriboh. It was once again a chance interception of fate that brought the full force of Kuriboh’s state to the Freaky Looking Kid. As the Freaky Looking Kid lumbered about his room heralding his wondrous YuGiOh cards, he noticed a crunch underneath his foot, to which he saw the trail of ants leading all about his floor and the pigeon’s carcass their delicacy. The Freaky Looking Kid in absolute rage blamed the ants and released his angst onto the scavengers and stepped on every single one in his sight. He suddenly realized the depravity of life and its horrid violations as he slipped on the smudges of the ants and landed face first into the dead body of his once beloved animal.

    ***


    The Freaky Looking Kid chose the next day to confess his undying love and offer of YuGiOh riches to the *Fabulous!!!* Freakishly Fat Woman. He paid dire attention to the schemes of his everyday life instead of slipping into a magnificent fantasy of YuGiOh or a splendid YuGiOh card strategy. He found himself in the Classroom that Taught Calculus, to which he waited for his love’s arrival. In the meantime, he opened his breakfast; a container of yogurt to which he realized he had no spoon to eat it with. He decided to eat it anyway; despite the annoyance he would plague those who may surround him. The entire back of the room filled itself with clamoring slurping noises that caused everyone in direct proximity to cringe in absolute irritation and hatred of this vile noise. He sucked in the juices yet again of the curdled milk, this time long and succulent, causing one girl to grasp her pencil in such a manner, she may have broken it if made of wood. The liquid sloshed into his mouth so loudly it made one person slam his fist onto his desk in utter disgust that such a noise should even introduce itself to the world.

    And just as the Freaky Looking Kid finished his YuGiOh yogurt, the woman of his laughable dreams sat in her seat. With her ethereal hands she groped in her designer bag until she found a large clipped bag of Doritos she had been eating in homeroom. She unfitted the clasp, and brought forth one of those pudgy arms, stuffed it inside the bag and devoured hungrily whatever she forced out. The Freaky Looking Kid approached with fine dignity.
    “I YuGiOh love you,” he stated with the composure of a six year old admitting affable feelings. She stared at him, her beady eyes that resembled musical orbs looking him up and down.

    “I’lla takgala yughal,” she responded, her entrancing mouth stuffed full of stacked carbohydrates, saturated fats, artificial flavorings, and other ingredients that clog arteries. And in that moment, to what the Freaky Looking Kid took as an acceptance of love, he felt as though the world erupted into celestial flares of YuGiOh.

    But then the Fabulous Freakishly Fat Woman did a very curious thing. All at once she froze, her eyes glazed over like a frosted ceramic pot, and her hand dropped as her mouth sagged open. Something came forth in those next few minutes not even I can describe. It was as if hell itself were about to rupture in that room and spill all over the floor. A great shaking occurred, as though an earthquake had inscribed its doom on those students, and as everyone scrambled under their desks in near terror save for the Freaky Looking Kid, it was for the best. Perhaps hell was the Fabulous Freakishly Fat Woman, for all at once, she exploded. Red bits of flesh and bone and guts flew everywhere, landed on everything, especially the Freaky Looking Kid who stood in the prime vicinity. The debris collected everywhere, and the last I heard, it’s bad for your health to eat as much as she did, but like I said, I’m just the narrator, and I could very well be wrong. But I eat healthily and she didn’t and she exploded just when she finally claimed a man be it freaky looking and rank and other things I have already explained in this tale. As for the Freaky Looking Kid, he went home and made sweet love to his YuGiOh cards instead of simply expressing onanistic patterns with them.

    The next day he came out as gay and had great gay sex with one of his friends and they both loved YuGiOh from that on forth and he also got a gay crush on Michael Phelps.