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"...no im not doing this."
"trust me!" alice said into my ear. it was so weird how that thing worked.
"um, how long did your demon coffee have me out anyway?" i said
"thats not important just do what i said, trust me!"
"your going to ask me to jump off of this builing from the forth story after drugging me? hell no!"
"just do it!"
"NO!"
"ok just imagine being down there. how great that would feel to just land safely." i closed my eyes and imagined it. the wind in my face for 3 seconds of terror, and then i walked away. it was great. and i felt i could do that...
and i jumped. and i feel that harsh wind in my face, the terror in my chest. but i noticed the farther i fell the slower i fell. until i landed on the ground with no force. i... i had no idea what was real anymore.
"ok... what else you got?"
"now jump back up to the top of the building."
i did it with out question. with ease and i felt more alive then ever before.
"next?"
"now run to the bank."
"because you gotta fix my window remember?"
"...you wanna rob the bank?"
"uh huh y?"
"...because you just asked me to rob a bank alice the answer is no."
"why not dont you want to find out who that blind man was?"
"what the hell does that have to do with robbing a bank?"
"well if your story is true then there owned by the same company. you might be able to get some answers."
"well ok," i started running out the neighborhood. i was fast. not super fast but, maybe 30 mph. "whats your roll in all this any way?"
"...they killed my father... were in this togethor jet."
"...lets do this. wheres the bank?"
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i stood atop a building across the bank. i strategized my plan. i got it.i leapt over to the bank fell right threw the roof, toward the back of the building. conveniantly i landed right in front of the vault i quickly grabbed one of the security gaurds behind me ripped the vault open and closed the door behind me. i held the gaurd up in the air. he was terrified but held his front.
"let me go!"
"What company do u work for?! who is your boss?!"
"Mr.Tompsan from the aircon company!"
"full name you cheap b*****d, i want a full name!! alice is aircon the right company?"
"yeah thats them."
"Mr.Alec d. thompsan, please dont hurt me!"
i threw the man threw the vault door. he was no use to me now. then a thought entered my head. how the ******** did i not hear the helicopters? the swat entering the building? the tanks? i grabbed a bag of money, transformed my arm to a blaster, and created a huge hole in the wall. i ran back to alices.
i didnt care any more. i wanted my revenge and i didnt care who or what i had to do to get it, what have i become? had one simple event in my life ruined the rest of it? they ruined my past. my present is wont change anything. but my future, my future will be what determinsthe rest of my life. if i can figure out what i am, how to fix this, then maybe, just maybe i can get the life i never knew back. i went back to the apartment, slept on the couch and dreamed of killing the blind man.
- by SgtFunShineBear |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 07/21/2009 |
- Skip
- Title: FLASHBACK chapter 4
- Artist: SgtFunShineBear
- Description: i wanna say thanx to my freinds and fans. your the reasons i keep writing. hope i get to the action i get to the action in here. the blaster i mentioned, think mega mans arm.
- Date: 07/21/2009
- Tags: flashback chapter
- Report Post
Comments (6 Comments)
- promprom - 08/11/2009
- i luvv this good job ^.^ 5/5 comment and rate back
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- SgtFunShineBear - 08/08/2009
- thanx for your harsh but helpful comments :3
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- MaryJeanStar - 07/28/2009
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Your plot has good promises, however there were many literary issues.
As I'm in a good mood, I'll now run you through each and every one.
When referring to oneself, the pronoun "I" as in "I" must be capitalized. No exceptions. Also, in "I'm", you need an apostrophe. (more below; I got carried away.) - Report As Spam
- MaryJeanStar - 07/28/2009
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Pronoun names must also be capitalized, and the first word of every sentence. The end of some of your sentences do not have periods.
"and i jumped. and i feel that harsh wind in my face..." This part starts two sentences with 'and'. You can start sentences with conjunctions, but do it too frequently, and it gets distracting. Also, you changed tense here from past to present.
After this, your story became nothing but dialog, which actually mixed up who was saying what. (more below) - Report As Spam
- MaryJeanStar - 07/28/2009
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I believe your mistake was mainly in that you put "because you gotta fix my window" in a new paragraph, indicating a new speaker. However, you really should let the reader know who is saying what.
"were in this together jet." Were, I take it, is supposed to be We're. Apostrophes are good.
From here, your issues remained consistent, besides a few areas that needed spaces.
Like I said, your plot's fine. Just some literary difficulties that needn't be a trouble fixing. I give you 4/5. - Report As Spam
- nasugi - 07/22/2009
- omg! this story is really good. 5/5
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