• CUSTOMER: enters 'Ye Old Roman Crucifixion Shoppe' lugging an obviously dead man in a large man-sized cage and rings counter bell - a cow's bell. "I wish to register a complaint."

    SHOPKEEPER: busy fumbling around with something behind the counter and appears not to have noticed the customer

    CUSTOMER: Obviously annoyed that he has been ignored "'Ello, Miss?"

    SHOPKEEPER: Immediately straightens up with a start, looking highly suspicious and guilty. Sounds of goats can be heard behind the counter. The Shopkeeper stares at the customer "What do you mean 'miss'?"

    CUSTOMER: pauses, looking at the shopkeeper suspiciously "What were you just doing?"

    SHOPKEEPER: obviously nervous quickly counters "I wasn't doin' nothin'."

    CUSTOMER: "Yes you were, I just saw you-"

    SHOPKEEPER: The Shopkeeper cuts the customer off quickly before his questioning can go any further "...What do you mean 'miss'?"

    CUSTOMER: obviously confused "I beg your pardon?"

    SHOPKEEPER: "You called me 'miss' when you walked in my shop not 2 minutes ago"

    CUSTOMER: "I'm sorry, I have the plague. I wish to make a complaint!"

    SHOPKEEPER: "Sorry, we're closin' for Solstice"

    CUSTOMER: "Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Crucifiable Messiah what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."

    SHOPKEEPER: "Oh yes, the, uh, the King of the Jews...what's uh... what's wrong with him? The shopkeeper looks furtively around as if seeking a quick exit from the situation, but the customer is quick to intercept

    CUSTOMER: "I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with him!"

    SHOPKEEPER: The Shopkeeper barely conceals an audible snicker "No, no, 'e's not dead, e's uh,... he's resting that's all"

    CUSTOMER: Not missing the obvious snicker "What was that for?"

    SHOPKEEPER: "What was what? Sir." The latter word added as an almost afterthought

    CUSTOMER: "What was that noise you just made?" The customer replied, somehow, for all his attentiveness, missing the afterthought-added "Sir"

    SHOPKEEPER: "What noise? I didn't make no noise. You musta made it. I didn't make no noise."

    CUSTOMER: By this stage confused, decides to drop the subject "I didn't make the noise you did - oh never mind! Look, matey, I know a dead messiah when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

    SHOPKEEPER: "No, no he's eh he's not dead, he's, he's restin', y'know! Remarkable messiah, the King of the Jews, idn't he, ay? Beautiful plumage!"

    CUSTOMER: "The plumage don't enter into it... he doesn't even HAVE any plumage!"

    SHOPKEEPER: "Yes 'e does!"

    CUSTOMER: "If he has plumage, then where is it?"

    SHOPKEEPER: The Shopkeeper comes out from behind the counter and lifts up the messiah's robes "Right 'ere! See?" points to an area not normally shown to the public

    CUSTOMER: "Oh, so he does... Oh. I see... Well, regardless of that fact, the plumage don't enter into it. 'E's stoned dead"

    SHOPKEEPER: "No, no! He's... he's resting!"

    CUSTOMER: "All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! Shouting at the crucifix 'ELLO, MISTER HEBREW KING! I'VE GOT A NICE FRESH BANANA FOR YOU IF YOU..." Shopkeeper kicks the large cage

    SHOPKEEPER: "There, he moved!"

    CUSTOMER: "No, he didn't, you kicked the cage!"

    SHOPKEEPER: "I never!!"

    CUSTOMER: "Yes, you did! Just like you were up to something behind that counter when I came in..."

    SHOPKEEPER: "I never, never did anything... 'specially with no goat..."

    CUSTOMER: The customer chooses to ignore this last remark and continues his tirade, yelling and kicking the cage repeatedly "'ELLO JEBUS!!!!! Wakey! Wakey! This is your mid-day alarm call! further bangs the cage on the counter before heaving it in the air, scrambling out of the way and watching as it plummets to the floor. Now that's what I call a dead messiah."

    SHOPKEEPER: "No, no... 'E's stunned!"

    CUSTOMER: "STUNNED?!?" Obviously not believing the determined shopkeeper

    SHOPKEEPER: "Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Jewish Kings stun easily."

    CUSTOMER: "Now look! Don't play the slippery eel with me. That messiah is definitly deceased, and when I purchased him not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out after a long 'healing session'."

    SHOPKEEPER: "Well, he's...ah...he's probably pining for the fjords."

    CUSTOMER: "PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his face the moment I got 'im home?"

    SHOPKEEPER: "The King of the Jews prefers kipping on 'is face! Remarkable saviou, id'nit, eh, major? Beautiful plumage!"

    CUSTOMER: "Look, Tosh, I took the liberty of examining this 'saviour' when I got 'im home, and I discovered that the only reason he was still sitting upright in this cage in the first place, was that he had been NAILED there. And it wasn't a very good job, either - his arms came off too easily. pause You promised me a twoferone deal - one living messiah for 2000 denahs, and a free cross."

    SHOPKEEPER: "Well you got your deal - you got your messiah, and now you're cross..." seeing the unimpressed and murderous look on the Roman customer's face, the shopkeeper wisely abandoned the joke. "Well, o'course he was nailed there! Listen, if I hadn't nailed that messiah down, he would have muscled those bars, bent 'em apart with 'is little... you know The shopkeeper winks knowingly, referring to the plumage, and VOOM!"

    CUSTOMER: "Sadly, I do know... What do you mean, by 'VOOM'?!?"

    SHOPKEEPER: offers no explanation other than "Voom!"

    CUSTOMER: "Mate, this messiah wouldn't "voom" if you set my mother-in-law and four million volts through 'im! 'E's bleedin' demised!"

    SHOPKEEPER: "No, no! 'E's pining!"

    CUSTOMER: "'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This messiah is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone ot meet 'is maker! That great 'benevolent' THING in the sky! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace - unfortunately. If you hadn't nailed 'im to the cage floor, 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'E's of the twig. 'E's curled up his tootsies, 'e's shuffled off this mortal coil. 'E's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! 'E ******** snuffed it! Vis-a-vis the metabolic processes, 'es had 'is lot! All statements to the effect of this messiah is still a going concern, are from now on inoperative. THIS IS AN EX-SAVIOUR OF MAN!!" pause as the customer composes himself


    SHOPKEEPER: "What does it matter if 'e's dead, anyway? You were only goin' to crucify him at dawn anyway."

    CUSTOMER: "That's not the point! We promised the public we'd crucify a thief, an honest man and a messiah. We've got the thief and the honest man, we just need a LIVE messiah! We can't deny the public what we promised. If we did, we'd never 'ear the end of it!"

    SHOPKEEPER: resignedly, the shopkeeper concedes the customer's point. "Well. Well, I'd better replace it then." He ducks behind the counter and we once again, hear the bleating of a goat

    CUSTOMER: "And leave that bleedin' goat alone!!" Then more to himself than anyone else "If you want to get things done right you have to complain until you're blue in the face and frothing at the mouth!"

    The shopkeeper reappears, looking mighty sheepish and mumbling several profanities under his breath

    CUSTOMER: "What's the news?"

    SHOPKEEPER: "Well word is it, they're gonna execute a messiah tomorrow morn at dawn -" he is quickly cut off by the customer

    CUSTOMER: "I know that! I told you that myself!! Now have you got another messiah or not?"

    SHOPKEEPER: "Well, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of messiahs"

    CUSTOMER: "I see. I see. I get the picture."

    SHOPKEEPER pause "I got a Pagan heretic."

    another pause

    CUSTOMER: "Does it speak Hebrew?"

    SHOPKEEPER: "No, but he speaks Latin!"

    CUSTOMER: "Well that will have to do then. I'll have that one."

    {And thus was the first Pagan ostracised and the persecution and execution of all Pagans ordered and began.}

    NOTE: THIS SKETCH IS IN NO WAY INTENDED TO BE HISTORICAL, NO IS IT MEANT TO OFFEND. IT WAS MERELY CREATED FOR AMUSEMENT PURPOSES ONLY.