• I can see it. Playing in my head, and in my heart. Even if you don't tell me, someone will. And all will end. But this is how I see it.


    I'm sitting in my room, waiting. Fidgeting with my ring, necklace, earrings, and I start to wonder if you decided to just leave without saying goodbye. But before I can start panicking there's a knock on the door. I sigh with relief then smirk.


    I get up from my bed, grab the keys on my desk and walk out. He's there; standing at the railing that over looks the field. I quickly lock the door and go to stand beside him, but as I do so he turns to walk down the stairs. i watch him a moment. I'm reminded of the first day I saw him.


    His shoulders were hunched the same, his walk slow, not in a hurry to get anywhere, and if I'm not mistaken, at same lightlessness was back in his eyes.


    Maybe I shouldn't go.


    He senses that I'm not following him to the stairs and stops to turn around. My heart nearly breaks. He's standing with his hands in his pockets, leaning back slightly, hair falling over his eyes, even at this distance i can see he wants me to go but then he doesn't. This hurts him too. I want nothing more then to run into his arms and stay like that for ever.


    Suddenly we're startled by a car horn and he makes those final steps down the stairs, I follow quietly. He opens the door for me and I slid in next to Spencer, who's slightly squished next to Fernando as Robert gets in too. The four of us are in the back seat of they're dad's truck, and within seconds I feel the atmosphere shift. It was heavy when I first sat down but now everyone was just waiting for the storm to start.


    It was a quiet ride to the airport; at least I think it was. I was so consumed with my thoughts I didn't hear anything but my breathing and my heart beat grow faster and faster. At some point Spencer and I meet eyes. I nearly lose is there too but Spence sternly shakes his head and I make my eyes swallow my tears, but one. I let it escape down my left cheek and Robert suddenly grips my hand tightly. I turn to him pleadingly. He stares right at me, I have the feeling he's arguing with himself. Just as he's about to say something the truck stops. I look around starting to feel panicked. We're at the airport. He sighs slightly and tightens his grasp on my hand once as he opens the door. As I get out I try to wipe away the evidence of my near break down. I close the door and lean against it a moment, other family members have come to see Robert off so I take the chance to gather myself. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, trying to feel the warmth of the sun above me but all I feel is the cold. And then a burst of warmth appears on my cheek and neck. I place my hand on his and open my eyes to his. Once again it looks like he's about to tell me something. And once again the moment is stolen. We follow the others into the airport, hand in hand.


    We find the plane and discover we have some time before the scheduled boarding. Everyone sits around to talk. I cant listen to anything about him leaving, I can barely grip the fact that I'm at the air port to say goodbye.


    It's not goodbye. Not as long as I keep him in my heart.


    I sneak off to a chair near a window, pull my knees up to my chest and simply stare out the window. I don't remember blinking, I don't even remember closing my eyes but I'm woken up by someone's embrace around me. I fight the shudder that so desperately tries to escape me. But I won't have that so I awkwardly hiccup instead. I turn to see his warm brown eyes staring up at me. He's sitting on his knees with his chin hooked on my arm, looking very much like a puppy. He whines a bit and nudges my arm with his nose; I smile warmly and gather him in my arms.


    Oh no! Will this be the last time I see his puppy-dog face?


    I hug him more and he makes his fake choking noises. It makes me giggle, if only very slightly. Then he breaks my grasp and stands pulling me with him. My hands are around his neck, and I'm tiptoeing to stay at least a semi-eye-level with him. His hands are at my waist and we lean closer to each other, one last kiss. Everything feels slow motion, it seems like a life time before I even feel his breath against me. Then, that stupid lady is heard on the intercom announcing that boarding is now taking place for the flight. He pulls away and I'm mentally crushed. I feel like falling to the floor and just sitting there, begging death to come and take me but I follow Robert instead, dragging my feet.


    His family is gathered in a semi-circle before the tunnel thingy, I'm standing in front next to Spencer, gripping the necklace Robert gave me. He says his goodbyes to his parents, grandparents and other relatives. Next his brothers and finally he stops in front of me. His hug is enough to get tears flowing from me, silently of course. He kisses my cheek and whispers in me ear; "I love you."


    Before I can move to hug him just once more he's out of my reach. I take a step toward him, my arm out stretched out in a desperate attempt to keep him from going. But I'm too late. He's gone. I fall to the floor. Nothing seems right, nothing makes sense. No one seems to care. I'm crying so hard a headache rears its ugly head and I only cry more.


    He could make any pain of mine go away.


    I feel a hand on my shoulder and my mind races but to come to the realization that it's Spence. I look up and he's staring back at me. And to my surprise we hug. For as long as I've known him, Spencer has never been the hugging type but he's going to miss him too. Though I have someone to share the pain, I feel sick. My stomach is an empty hole, there's a pressure on my shoulders and chest, and an unmistakable hollowness of my heart. Somehow Spence gets me to stand up and somewhat drags me to the front of the airport.


    "Com'on Leesa, they're waiting for us."


    I clean myself up as much as I can. There's no way to do a thing about my eyeliner but crying would be expected of me anyway. I pull out the mp3 player Robert had bought for me and try not to cry. Before I shut myself off from the world I hug Spencer once more.


    "Thank you, Spence."

    "Yeah."


    The ride home was bittersweet. I sat in Robert's place, slumped against the door and window, thinking about all the rides with him I had; the dances, going to the movies, the empire. My eyes swallowed more tears. We got to my apartments and for a moment I was waiting for Robert to open the door and walk me to my door, until I realized I was alone.


    "Oh."


    I say goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Rodriguez, it's probably the last time I'm going to see them like this, and tell Spencer I'd see him later. I fall out of the truck, my legs weak, and walk up to my apartment. I stand at the railing for a bit, in the same spot Robert was before. . . .before he left. I feel myself start to tear up again and go inside. I go to my room, put my keys right where they had been before and sit in the same spot I had before. I stare at nothing. My body is limp and aching. I sit there for a long time. Unseeing. Unhearing. At one point I find myself not breathing but make no rush to start again.


    I'm shoved back to reality by a fierce banging on the door. I think about just letting whoever it is knock. But finally I force myself up and over to the door. I stare at it, having a strange feeling. I unlock the door and open it swiftly.


    He's panting, like he'd just run a marathon. His hand is leaning against the door frame to support him from falling over and I can't control myself. I pounce on him and he staggers back but supports us both. I'm crying and laughing and kissing him and then just hugs him. His warmth penetrates the coldness that has enveloped my being.


    "I love you Leesa. I love you! I don't know what I was thinking leaving like that. It hurts too much to be away from you!"


    I smile and cry.

    Because I have my love, heart, and soul back.