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My newest victim is but a child of twenty
With scars on her arms aplenty.
Her doe-like brown eyes are puffy and red.
She must have realized that she must be dead.
Disgusting, she was, but I didn’t care.
With a bow of my hat, she sat down in a chair.
“Who be you, sir?” she asked with a whimper.
A giggle arose that I quickly tried to simper.
With a look of disgust at my behavior,
She frowned at the way I failed her.
“Who be you, kind sir,” she asked.
She must be astonished that I haven’t done her task.
“Oh, I have many names,” I say with a smile.
“But please, why don’t we stay for awhile.”
With a clap of my hands and wave of my arm,
Tea, cakes, and crumpets fell to her charm.
“Have a crumpet, have two,
Don’t eat too much, we have lots to do.”
With confusion in her eyes, she stuffed that ugly face.
At a pace that seemed to be post haste.
I purred to her, “Now now, my dear,”
“Surely you must know why I am here.”
She shook that nappy head and gazed at me.
With raspberry jam on her chin in a manner most carefree.
“Forgive me, sir,” she inquired.
“But I believe I don’t know what has transpired.”
With another suppressed giggle, I waved my hand about
Unable to keep quiet about her rising doubt.
“Can you really not remember, or are you just plain idiotic?”
I asked, in a delightful way that was most epic.
She gave a scowl and her face darkened with rage.
Her face looked quite pathetic, almost deranged.
Ignoring her outraged cry, I lifted my finger
Hoping to quell the anger that lingered.
“Now now, my dear little lady,” I said,
“Surely you must know that you are quite dead.”
- by Envious Doll |
- Poetry And Lyrics
- | Submitted on 01/23/2009 |
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- Title: Obsidian
- Artist: Envious Doll
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Description:
I wrote this when I was supposed to be looking for a job in my new town, but oh well. I'm looking for Critique and also looking to see what it lacks. It's a chapter story and the title I am going to try to make it into a sentence as well. Hopefully it will work. Critque is lovely as long as you explain why and how to fix. Hate comments are laughed at.
First title: Obsidian - Date: 01/23/2009
- Tags: obsidian poem dark death
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Comments (3 Comments)
- siris06 - 12/29/2015
- I really like the idea of it. The rhythm needs work though
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- Freya Goddess Of War - 10/03/2010
- It is fantastic. I was extremely enjoyable to read. I am guessing the man, I think it to be a man, is supposed to be death. He seems slightly childish, which I find delightful, to me.
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- AyoraPandora - 01/23/2009
- The poem seems to ramble on a bit and a few of the word choices seem forced. I don't know how you should or if you will fix it.. but I personally would look over it and try and to work in other words. Otherwise the structure is amazing. Great job and I hope to read more soon.
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