I find myself drawn, or perhaps compelled, to review what I've done, that is yet a loose end. What I've done, and failed to make amends for. Because these are the things that haunt me. If I go from happy to sad, I might say it's fatigue. In some cases, it's true, but fatigue can lead to this.
And vice versa.
To begin, I may as well start at the beginning. My very first regret, chronologically, and sensibly. The most haunting, I'd think, because it doesn't involve the internet. Instead, it involves my childhood, and an old friend.
She was my next door neighbor, and truly, my best friend for years. I would visit everyday, free of any knowledge of the horrors of the world around. To live in peace and harmony, was enough.
But one day, strange folk arrived into town. With them, a small boy, hidden in his own shroud of hate. But I didn't notice it. There were no such shadows. You see, without the truth of the lies, I was nothing but blind.
In time, he became a good friend. Second only to my neighbor. But perhaps he became too good of a friend. He slowly replaced her, me being quite happy of having a neighbor of my gender. But when it grew to a crescendo, and he attacked me, I was caught unaware. My friends both did nothing for me; one attacked, the other stared in horror. Perhaps I can't really blame her, but she did nothing to save me. Until I went down, she remained silent. Then she called for her mother, finally giving me a grace from the fight. But.....the effects were done. I became like my friend, violent and angry. And slowly, I turned my back on the girl who had, not so long ago, been my greatest friend.
And now, I hardly ever speak to her. Maybe a small nod here and there, but nothing to hint at the friendship we once had. To remember the girl who cried whenever I left. There's only a hole in my heart for the first person I abandoned...
....
How irnoic, that I was then abandoned, not long afterwords...
The second is the first of the web problems. I was a noob. Nothing more. But I wanted to role-play, as it was the only refuge from the hatred around me. Perhaps stemming from me, but I was unaware. The world disliked me, so I sought my sanctuary, on-line, where they couldn't find me.
So I started an rp. It went fairly well, as far as noobs went. Sure, a few deserters, and I pressured a friend into joining (Something that later became standard), but there became a core group of three of us, all having fun.
It lasted until the first year I went to Germany. Then it halted. Suddenly. I contacted the girl who had been with us, to no response. I asked to join an rp she made, to no response, until I...trolled, honestly. Then she contacted me, explaining she wouldn't allow me to join, because I wasn't experienced enough. But it had been 2/3 of a year since she had seen.....
I was shattered for a while. In anger, I removed her from my friends list, and me from hers......but.......that's such a horrible way to end it. I was int he wrong there. I could have handled it more calmly, but instead, I reacted like a child.
Well....I was....but regardless, there was no reason for me to throw a tantrum. And even yet, I still feel like she deserves a thanks. Were it not for that push, that unfair statement, I wouldn't have gotten the drive to became as I am now. So......it just doubles why it hurts so much.
The third is much simpler, and is the last for this rant. It's the most recent, only about a year ago.
I was scrounging for an rp. desperately. I found a group, also searching, and got involved in a one-on-one rp. It was...fun for a bit, but it became a chore, and I took longer and longer to reply. Eventually, I cleaned out my inbox, to realize I forgot to exclude her message.
And yet.....I considered myself free. I figured there was no way to get it, and left it hanging. No explanation. No apology, or asking for the link. I left it.
And now? Now she's in an rp I've joined, eagerly awaiting it's opening. And yet, she doesn't recognize me, or shows no sign. I feel like I should tell her, and resolve the situation, but at the same time....I don't want her to feel like she should leave, because I'm here, nor do I want to go. And I don't want to start a scene....I wish there was some other way to tell her, without an uproar made.....
These three, are the biggest guilting my mind, tearing it down from the inside. They're hard to live with, and yet.....they've made me who I am now....
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The Dream Project
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LiketheCar Community Member 
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tanchimo
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First off, all of the above isn't/wasn't your fault. Yes, mistakes were made. But, even the biggest mistake can lead to something better, right? You attribute this entry to part of the reason for why you're the way you are, both online and off, and, while I do understand where you're coming from, please know; I am perfectly content with who you are. I doubt that will help any, but...I offer it regardless.
Another thing (though I'm certain you're smart enough to have figured this one out on your own); no matter how roughly these guilts are tearing your mind down, don't give up. Never give up. There is little in the world that feels worse than guilt consuming you. I would know...
Keep in mind (though I'm decently sure you've already figured this one out too), had you not became the person you are today, things would be different. You would still be blind to the truth, however blissful that might have been. Also...the friends you've made...would they still be here had that fight with your friend not happened? All of them...me included.. You said yourself that you're the glue that holds us all together - were you any different, so many things that have happened wouldn't have. And, personally, though I certainly don't lead the happiest life amongst us, but there is little I'd want to change about our friends, you included. However weird that might sound.
To end this, I give you a quote that you've handed to me many times in the hope that it offers at some sort of consolation;
"You never gave yourself a rhyme or reason
I know some days are too hard to bear.
And if you need a hand, I’m standing there.
Cause you’re the one that gives me inspiration
Change the way I see every day.
I want to make you feel the same."