So my story is simple.
It all began with a girl, as they seem to.
It started out so innocent.
Relating to the past, we met by chance of returning, as we kept doing.
In <1st?> grade, there was a girl I met. I called her over, and talked to her, because she looked sad and lonely in the rain.
We talked for about an hour, or maybe less (time always seems so much more when you're a child), two total strangers with no reason to. But I comforted her in the ran, without knowing it.
I promised I would remember her name, but......I didn't.
I forgot it, and she forgot her promise to take German in high school....
But before she broke it, we met again, unaware. In my 7th grade year, her 8th, it started badly. To her, I was just some kid who was in the way of her reclaiming the group she was in.
To me, she was just a bully who picked on me for little to no reason. Or maybe there was a reason, and I didn't know. I didn't like it, but....I accepted it. It wasn't my right to not be picked on. I wasn't good enough.
Some time passed, and I found her here; on Gaiaonline. Accidentally, of course, but I made contact. It....softened her opinion of me (though I was unaware it was out of fear.)
Two years passed, and she made contact again. Asking if I still had this account.
The answer was yes, and we continued to talk a bit through notes in an orchestra folder.
One day, she said she didn't want to be here anymore....wanted to be back in Buffalo....
I couldn't quite place why, but.....I didn't want her to go. I wanted her to want to be where she was.
She apologized profusely, and we began....talking.
A lot.
We talked, and talked, and talked, about all sorts of things, and we....fell for each other.
She came over every other day in Summer, and I was always so happy to see her.....
The days were happy.....
The nights were Hell.
Every single night, i would ask myself 'What's wrong with you? Why didn't you kiss her? Why didn't you ask her out?'
And I couldn't provide reason.
And as she began to fall more and more to doubt, I....gave up on myself.
I didn't think I would ever do it.
And....I didn't.
In November, she started going out with someone else....
I was....happy for her, but.....I felt betrayed.
I had made it so clear without using words, how I felt.....and there she was, with another guy......
I knew it wasn't my place to feel betrayed....I never told her, of course, but.......
She....began to fade away.
She didn't talk to me as avidly or as commonly anymore.....
We didn't get online to talk at 9 anymore.....not all the time....
And as time went by, I felt worse and worse.
The person I loved, that I had done so much for....was now always busy with someone else. She didn't go for me with problems much anymore.....
I felt lost.
I had wrapped my imagination around helping her.....
I had made myself everything I needed to be to help her, and then....she was gone....
So I began to fade away.....
From her.
From everyone.
It got to the point where there was one day, where....I........I told her, finally.
How I felt.
How I had always felt.
I stopped lying to her, to me, and to another.....
....things got bad.
She left her boyfriend, in the end, and decided to promise herself to me, but.....
It was such a subtle change in my perception.......
I had barely ever seen them kiss.
And she still spent all pf her time with the both of us....with him.
it hurt...watching from afar, being told I was chosen, but knowing that......what had changed?
It boiled and boiled and boiled, until in May, she left me, for what she later revealed to be was for him.....
And he denied her.
So they fell out.
I return from a month's absence to find her bitter....
really, just...angry at the world, looking to strike back.....
I got her to calm down......got her to accept my love was still here, and that I would wait for her to be ready before putting us in a situation of a relationship again....
But....she gravitated back to him.
The first time, it was awful......and it lasted about two-three days, before he revoked it.
But the damage was done.
Doubt appeared.
I'd never be enough to keep her.
She'd never want to stay with me....
Add in another day, where she tried to leave me permanently....
That I talked her out of like I promised.
But every time I beat a reason she presented for why we couldn't be together, she ,made a new one, and claimed it was the biggest one....maybe it was at that point, but....it kept changing....
And my will began draining.
There was too much.
And then she got guilted into giving me a chance.
And we talked it out....
And I promised not to ask her out before November....
But......
It's so hard.
She's changed, for the worse.
She's become bitter, irritable, she has less capacity for understanding (or at least caring) about the wants of others....or maybe just me, and.....
it's hard.
She claimed that no one cared what she wanted.....
When over, and over, and over, and over, and over again in these past months, her wants have been placed before mine. I made mine known, but...that was all. I never forced them.
I feel like I don't mean as much to her anymore.
She says that the change I instilled wasn't as good....that it was too much too fast....
That's bull....
She was so happy.
So, so happy.
And I failed her.
So she faltered.
And set down the wrong path in the light.
She allowed bitterness a hold in her heart, and stopped being as openly caring....
What am I supposed to do....?
I've handed away so many compromises that have penalized me......like that promise.
I love her, so I want her.
But I feel like I get overlooked......
I'm the one that's stuck around, but she isn't willing to accept me?
Afraid of relationships?
Afraid of opening herself up that much to someone?
Afraid of herself?
it's all there is.
Excuse for excuse, but it all spells fear.....
She 'realizes it', than it's thrown away......
She says there's a possibility that she'll fall in love with someone else over the course of the time that I don't ask her out.....
Of course there's a possibility, but.......
How little would I have to mean for that to happen....?
To fall in love with a second person, again, and put us all through that again.....
I don't want her to look back one day, after having been through multiple bad boyfriends in college, who only wanted physical intimacy, and look back and go "Y'know....AJ was the best one for me....."
And just have the despair with knowing I probably won't be around at that time anymore.....
She's not the same, and it's not....it's not right.
She was never blinded by the light...
She was blinded by greed.....
I want her to look to her own wants first, in plenty of cases, sure, but......
She should still have the ability to sort through what's actually desire, and what's anti-desire formed by fear.
Because she can trample over as much of me as she feels fit, and I'd still remain.....
But Lord......
When I opened up my heart.......
When I allowed other people to help me shape myself, to find a new me, as I thought was good......
I wasn't expecting such an awful change to make her someone she isn't.
i love her.
And.....I want her.
but I want her to know herself again.
So she'll actually accept me....
"You never gave yourself a rhyme or reason
I know some days are too hard to bear.
And if you need a hand, I’m standing there.
Cause you’re the one that gives me inspiration
Change the way I see every day.
I want to make you feel the same."
It all began with a girl, as they seem to.
It started out so innocent.
Relating to the past, we met by chance of returning, as we kept doing.
In <1st?> grade, there was a girl I met. I called her over, and talked to her, because she looked sad and lonely in the rain.
We talked for about an hour, or maybe less (time always seems so much more when you're a child), two total strangers with no reason to. But I comforted her in the ran, without knowing it.
I promised I would remember her name, but......I didn't.
I forgot it, and she forgot her promise to take German in high school....
But before she broke it, we met again, unaware. In my 7th grade year, her 8th, it started badly. To her, I was just some kid who was in the way of her reclaiming the group she was in.
To me, she was just a bully who picked on me for little to no reason. Or maybe there was a reason, and I didn't know. I didn't like it, but....I accepted it. It wasn't my right to not be picked on. I wasn't good enough.
Some time passed, and I found her here; on Gaiaonline. Accidentally, of course, but I made contact. It....softened her opinion of me (though I was unaware it was out of fear.)
Two years passed, and she made contact again. Asking if I still had this account.
The answer was yes, and we continued to talk a bit through notes in an orchestra folder.
One day, she said she didn't want to be here anymore....wanted to be back in Buffalo....
I couldn't quite place why, but.....I didn't want her to go. I wanted her to want to be where she was.
She apologized profusely, and we began....talking.
A lot.
We talked, and talked, and talked, about all sorts of things, and we....fell for each other.
She came over every other day in Summer, and I was always so happy to see her.....
The days were happy.....
The nights were Hell.
Every single night, i would ask myself 'What's wrong with you? Why didn't you kiss her? Why didn't you ask her out?'
And I couldn't provide reason.
And as she began to fall more and more to doubt, I....gave up on myself.
I didn't think I would ever do it.
And....I didn't.
In November, she started going out with someone else....
I was....happy for her, but.....I felt betrayed.
I had made it so clear without using words, how I felt.....and there she was, with another guy......
I knew it wasn't my place to feel betrayed....I never told her, of course, but.......
She....began to fade away.
She didn't talk to me as avidly or as commonly anymore.....
We didn't get online to talk at 9 anymore.....not all the time....
And as time went by, I felt worse and worse.
The person I loved, that I had done so much for....was now always busy with someone else. She didn't go for me with problems much anymore.....
I felt lost.
I had wrapped my imagination around helping her.....
I had made myself everything I needed to be to help her, and then....she was gone....
So I began to fade away.....
From her.
From everyone.
It got to the point where there was one day, where....I........I told her, finally.
How I felt.
How I had always felt.
I stopped lying to her, to me, and to another.....
....things got bad.
She left her boyfriend, in the end, and decided to promise herself to me, but.....
It was such a subtle change in my perception.......
I had barely ever seen them kiss.
And she still spent all pf her time with the both of us....with him.
it hurt...watching from afar, being told I was chosen, but knowing that......what had changed?
It boiled and boiled and boiled, until in May, she left me, for what she later revealed to be was for him.....
And he denied her.
So they fell out.
I return from a month's absence to find her bitter....
really, just...angry at the world, looking to strike back.....
I got her to calm down......got her to accept my love was still here, and that I would wait for her to be ready before putting us in a situation of a relationship again....
But....she gravitated back to him.
The first time, it was awful......and it lasted about two-three days, before he revoked it.
But the damage was done.
Doubt appeared.
I'd never be enough to keep her.
She'd never want to stay with me....
Add in another day, where she tried to leave me permanently....
That I talked her out of like I promised.
But every time I beat a reason she presented for why we couldn't be together, she ,made a new one, and claimed it was the biggest one....maybe it was at that point, but....it kept changing....
And my will began draining.
There was too much.
And then she got guilted into giving me a chance.
And we talked it out....
And I promised not to ask her out before November....
But......
It's so hard.
She's changed, for the worse.
She's become bitter, irritable, she has less capacity for understanding (or at least caring) about the wants of others....or maybe just me, and.....
it's hard.
She claimed that no one cared what she wanted.....
When over, and over, and over, and over, and over again in these past months, her wants have been placed before mine. I made mine known, but...that was all. I never forced them.
I feel like I don't mean as much to her anymore.
She says that the change I instilled wasn't as good....that it was too much too fast....
That's bull....
She was so happy.
So, so happy.
And I failed her.
So she faltered.
And set down the wrong path in the light.
She allowed bitterness a hold in her heart, and stopped being as openly caring....
What am I supposed to do....?
I've handed away so many compromises that have penalized me......like that promise.
I love her, so I want her.
But I feel like I get overlooked......
I'm the one that's stuck around, but she isn't willing to accept me?
Afraid of relationships?
Afraid of opening herself up that much to someone?
Afraid of herself?
it's all there is.
Excuse for excuse, but it all spells fear.....
She 'realizes it', than it's thrown away......
She says there's a possibility that she'll fall in love with someone else over the course of the time that I don't ask her out.....
Of course there's a possibility, but.......
How little would I have to mean for that to happen....?
To fall in love with a second person, again, and put us all through that again.....
I don't want her to look back one day, after having been through multiple bad boyfriends in college, who only wanted physical intimacy, and look back and go "Y'know....AJ was the best one for me....."
And just have the despair with knowing I probably won't be around at that time anymore.....
She's not the same, and it's not....it's not right.
She was never blinded by the light...
She was blinded by greed.....
I want her to look to her own wants first, in plenty of cases, sure, but......
She should still have the ability to sort through what's actually desire, and what's anti-desire formed by fear.
Because she can trample over as much of me as she feels fit, and I'd still remain.....
But Lord......
When I opened up my heart.......
When I allowed other people to help me shape myself, to find a new me, as I thought was good......
I wasn't expecting such an awful change to make her someone she isn't.
i love her.
And.....I want her.
but I want her to know herself again.
So she'll actually accept me....
"You never gave yourself a rhyme or reason
I know some days are too hard to bear.
And if you need a hand, I’m standing there.
Cause you’re the one that gives me inspiration
Change the way I see every day.
I want to make you feel the same."
