Mood: Sleepy
Song: Marry Me; Emilie Autumn
I am a hypocrite.
Sad that I'm just realizing that like three days later haha.
Brittney stood by me when I knew she did not want me to get with Connor.
But the second she gets with Kyle I put my foot down, hard.
However.
Connor and I are a whole different tune.
Oddly I found out more about Connor and his personality those five days, than during the years of our friendship. He's totally different in real life haha.
And Kyle.
He's just a bad mamajama. I know so. I sense these things.
Anyway.
When I get pissed, I get pissed.
My emotions just spill out of my mouth without a filter.
Action, action, action.
I do not think about the reaction my actions make, I just keep barfing up hurtful words.
Later though.
I realize my mistake.
But will I apologize? Who's to say.
I hate admitting I'm wrong, I'm kinda prideful I hate to say.
And I know I'm right to a certain degree.
I just went about it in a bad way.
Half of me just wants to step out of her life.
The other half doesn't.
But I detest that beast of a boy.
He doesn't have a brain. Its rather irritating.
I haven't thought about it lately.
I've been too busy with other things.
More important things.
Like Connor and life.
It seems I always do this to my online friends.
I did it with Lisa.
And I'm doing it with Brittney.
I already told Travis to watch out - I doubt it will happen to him though, we're much too alike.
I guess its just that I don't trust them.
I never honestly trusted Lisa.
And after four years of friendship with Brittney, I still sort of doubted her in the back of my mind.
The only person who gained my full trust online is Connor. And in person he just got even more trust out of me haha.
I give Travis a lot of trust too, I think its because he's just like me - just a boy instead of a girl.
This also makes me look at my personality on a closer inspection.
I rather hate it.
Most people seem to like it though.
Paradox - that's how I feel.
I do the things I say are wrong.
I am who I dislike.
But maybe I've just gone so long disliking myself, that I've just come to not really like me at all.
Lately though, I've liked myself quite a lot.
After meeting Connor, I felt..Almost alive?
I changed a lot.
I felt a change anyway.
But the whole episode with Brittney made me feel reverted to my old self.
Its good that I caught myself though haha.
Because I like who I am now.
Oh Connor Connor Connor.
I get to see you in just 19 days!
I'm super stoked ;l
We're gonna have such a good time x]
Brandon was talking about how he felt connected to Catie.
Like they were a single entity.
And that's how I feel with Connor.
It sounds weird...But idk..xDD
I feel connected to him on a higher level than just physical and emotional? If that's possible?
I feel like even though he isn't here, that he is?
I mean I still get lonely because of the whole distance thing, but then when I really think about it - it feels like he's here.
Inside my mind yo. ;l
He is the guy of my dreams! Haha I'm so cheesy what the hell.
Wow this is a long journal compared to my other ones.
I wanna hear Connur coo's voice.
I can't wait till he calls ; ___ ; <3
Song: Marry Me; Emilie Autumn
I am a hypocrite.
Sad that I'm just realizing that like three days later haha.
Brittney stood by me when I knew she did not want me to get with Connor.
But the second she gets with Kyle I put my foot down, hard.
However.
Connor and I are a whole different tune.
Oddly I found out more about Connor and his personality those five days, than during the years of our friendship. He's totally different in real life haha.
And Kyle.
He's just a bad mamajama. I know so. I sense these things.
Anyway.
When I get pissed, I get pissed.
My emotions just spill out of my mouth without a filter.
Action, action, action.
I do not think about the reaction my actions make, I just keep barfing up hurtful words.
Later though.
I realize my mistake.
But will I apologize? Who's to say.
I hate admitting I'm wrong, I'm kinda prideful I hate to say.
And I know I'm right to a certain degree.
I just went about it in a bad way.
Half of me just wants to step out of her life.
The other half doesn't.
But I detest that beast of a boy.
He doesn't have a brain. Its rather irritating.
I haven't thought about it lately.
I've been too busy with other things.
More important things.
Like Connor and life.
It seems I always do this to my online friends.
I did it with Lisa.
And I'm doing it with Brittney.
I already told Travis to watch out - I doubt it will happen to him though, we're much too alike.
I guess its just that I don't trust them.
I never honestly trusted Lisa.
And after four years of friendship with Brittney, I still sort of doubted her in the back of my mind.
The only person who gained my full trust online is Connor. And in person he just got even more trust out of me haha.
I give Travis a lot of trust too, I think its because he's just like me - just a boy instead of a girl.
This also makes me look at my personality on a closer inspection.
I rather hate it.
Most people seem to like it though.
Paradox - that's how I feel.
I do the things I say are wrong.
I am who I dislike.
But maybe I've just gone so long disliking myself, that I've just come to not really like me at all.
Lately though, I've liked myself quite a lot.
After meeting Connor, I felt..Almost alive?
I changed a lot.
I felt a change anyway.
But the whole episode with Brittney made me feel reverted to my old self.
Its good that I caught myself though haha.
Because I like who I am now.
Oh Connor Connor Connor.
I get to see you in just 19 days!
I'm super stoked ;l
We're gonna have such a good time x]
Brandon was talking about how he felt connected to Catie.
Like they were a single entity.
And that's how I feel with Connor.
It sounds weird...But idk..xDD
I feel connected to him on a higher level than just physical and emotional? If that's possible?
I feel like even though he isn't here, that he is?
I mean I still get lonely because of the whole distance thing, but then when I really think about it - it feels like he's here.
Inside my mind yo. ;l
He is the guy of my dreams! Haha I'm so cheesy what the hell.
Wow this is a long journal compared to my other ones.
I wanna hear Connur coo's voice.
I can't wait till he calls ; ___ ; <3
