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I'll just sit here.
And wonder what in the hell is wrong with me.
I feel so unmoved and unmotivated.
Honestly I feel like the Scrooge.
This Christmas has been horrible.

Feels so strange without Papa here.
I guess I'm just not over it..
It still feels so surreal.

What the ******** is wrong with me?
I should be happy.
I have the best kitty in the world.
A good family life.
I'm breathing and have a pulse.

But why do I feel so sad?
Like I'm drowning?
Like years ago when I felt like I was fighting and struggling just to live.
My heart aches.

I'm so afraid of being alone today.
I don't know why.
As soon as I left my grandmother's house I felt just so alone.
Even now at my own house I feel alone.
Loneliness scares the crap out of me.
Its never been like this before.
I'm not usually scared to be alone, but right now I'm terrified.
I don't want to tell anyone though.
I don't want to bother anyone. I don't want to be clingy.

I don't want to need anyone.
But I do.
I don't want to disturb them though, so I just wait.
Is that fair to them?
Probably not.
Maybe I'll be happier tomorrow.
Get out of this flunk.
I sure hope so..