**sighs**
Life, needless to say, isn't supposed to be easy... But, hell, why can't it be? It would be so much better if it was... But then again, that's a stupid thing to say cuz if life really was easy, then we wouldn't appreciate it enough. Well, appreciation is fine and all - it's just that I don't care for the little ((or major)) bumps and rollercoaster rides along it right now...
My life, in other people's eyes, may seem damn well perfect. Well, reality check - no one's life is perfect. Prefection is something that we all strive for, but rarely find. And no matter how much it looks prefect on the outside, images can falter and we see the turmoils that lie within.
That's my life.
Yeah, sure ok. So what if I got college applications out of the way? There's still school work to worry about, which, no matter how may times I tell my parents I have under control, they refuse to believe. There's this little thing called "time management" - which I would manage except for the little fact that I don't really have anything to manage cuz my parents, or rather, my mother, limits and restricts me on what I can or cannot do a little too accurately. There are not many outings with friends - which is the least of my concerns - and the biggest concern right now, is work.
I am a labled "procrastinator". Meaning, although to other people I may either seem to be wasting or managing my time efficiently - the truth is that I do both. I manage my time as best as I can - and I also waste it when I can afford to.
The problem is that I can afford to waste too much time.
So this is how it all ties into my title. I have loads of time. Without considering the six hours that I put into school an average of five days a week, and the few hours that I willingly put into my chruch activities, I have unlimited time. So, with my little bit of logic, I figured - Why not find a job and work?
Some may say I'm crazy....and I'm damn near close. But I'm not.
I have lots of plans. Unfortunately, these plans all cost money. So, with my "unlimited" amout of time, why not fill it with hours of reasonable work and make some? It's not a big deal. I can work. The easiest to do is babysitting ((which up until now I'm still not getting paid for because my mom doesn't want to "inconvenience" her friends...)), but I do have other, if not professional, experiance in working. I've helped one of my friends mother out in her video store in tight, seasonally situations. I've waitressed. I've babysitted pets. I've tutored students. And I've had experiance working at as a minor translator.
But all this is "unprofessional" cuz I didn't get paid for it.
And it's cuz my mother doesn't want to let me work. It may still be a slap in her face, but I'm not a little girl now that she could push around. I'm seventeen years old, with lots of time, and who is willing to work to make her own profit. Maybe I'm in over my head, but it kills my pride to have to go and ask my parents for money everytime I want to or need to use some for my own ends and investments. And I don't have what's called an allowance either - I have to "work" for my mother to get the little money that I can. And that's not going to last me forever.
Being parents, I guess it's understandable that they want to shelter and "protect" me from outside influences and all that blah, blah, blah, jazz. But the fact is that I don't want to be sheltered so much anymore. I don't want to be protected so much. I want to experiance living and life through my own means and purposes. I want to grow up - and they're not letting me.
I suppose every teenager goes through this at some point in they're life. And it's not like I don't understand my parents... But, it's high time I did something for myself. Or rather, I want to do for myself. For me. Not for anyone else - but for me.
Yeah, yeah, ok. So I know that may sound selfish to people - but think about it - who isn't selfish. Tell me the name of one human being who isn't selfish and I'll through my hands up and go home with my tail tucked between my legs like a good girl. And listen to the constant baggerings of my mother for all eternity without a wimper of complaint.
But the thing is... We all are selfish. It's human nature. Sure some are more than others - and even I know that I am at times. But I'm not that selfish. I'm not much of anything really. I'm not overly, or even understandably jealous of anyone. I'm not even understandably vain. I'm not so proud that people would call me arrogant. I'm not ignorant. I'm not any of those things really. ((How boring?))
But the one thing I am is "Pride".
I have pride in the things I do - in the things I want to do. I want to be able to achieve the things I want to achieve and do it in my own good time and way. I want to prove to myself that I can do the things that I set out to do and that I did it without anyone's help ((or as little as possible)). I want to be happy knowing that I accomplished the thing that I want to do, so that I can move on to something better, harder, and more rewarding.
But being told to stay home and not do anything... Well... It's stiffling.
**sighs** Maybe I'm entering into a state of mild depression. And I suppose that's ok, and that it'll pass soon enough. It's just that I woke up from my nap today and began thinking about my plans for the next few weeks...as little as they were... and well... it kinda downslided from there. There were things I wanted to do, even if I didn't have to do them... but they all cost "money". And knowing that I had no real way of attaining that money except by going to my parents... It well - stung.
**shakes head and sighs** If only my parents would really let me find a job - any job - so that I could fill in my time and do something productive with it. I'm sitting here at home and wasting time like a professional ((really, if they paid people for this, I'd be rolling in the dough)) and feeling miserable as each minute, each second passes with nothing to show for it. It's degrading.
sweatdrop Well, what are you going to do? Rome wasn't built in a day. And neither is my life. I'ts going some more time until I can start building it to my satisfacation. It's just frustrating right now.
Ah well, writing this very long entry has sorted out most of my feelings and made me feel a bit better. So, yeah... you can all relax. I'm done for now. wink ((<-- and that's my second emote in this whole entry.))
Thanks for reading and stuff.... I know it must've been a drag. sweatdrop
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Yeah, so I'm updating this too. This place is where I can rant, rave and say whatever the heck I want. Ah~ The sweet bliss. Well, feel free to drop in and read some of my insanities. There's always room to insert your own into the mosh-pit! XD
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Kit_Kat_Kitsune_Chan
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User Comments: [3] [add]
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Inu_Panda_Chan Community Member 
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Kit_Kat_Kitsune_Chan
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User Comments: [3] [add]
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But newaz, you should be able to get a job, shoot, my uncle keeps telling me to go out and find one, but I have so much that I have to do at home, that I would be so tired, and have barley enough time for school, let alone gaia.
So that puts me in a predicament. I would very much glady trade your time schedule with mine. But that would make it impossible for you to work sweatdrop
So yea, just try and feel better, and I hope you can get a job soon. If not, let me come over there and give your parents a big kick somewhere they wont enjoy.