I'm not trying to get sympathy. I don't want pity either. I'm just saying... writing what I can never tell my mother it seems. It'll be nice if at least one person understands me after all this... Life - is not so good at this moment.
It's Sunday. Michelle came to my church today. I was happy. In all honesty, church was a side of my life that I had kept separate from my school friends for... since forever really. It was new and exciting for me to have them merge into one. I love Michelle for that. She's the first one that I've tried to really bring into my life as much as I have. Not even Amanda has reached this point. She "grew up" too fast...
But... that's ok. Yet, in once sense, I feel kinda sorry for Michelle. She's being the scapegoat for both of us. And I'm more sorry cuz she doesn't really know that she's being used as one. Being who she is and knowing that she doesn't understand everything as yet... All I can say is that I'm sorry.
Like I said. Today's Sunday. And Michelle came. It was cool. The sermon was different from the usual ones, but it was a good one. It was spurned from our church going through its preparations for summer mission trips this year - challenging us to truly accept Christ and all that. It was a really good feeling to have Michelle sit there beside me and listen and understand (I hope) to what was being said and all the meanings behind it. I was happy and proud.
Afterwards, and I had completely forgotten about it (really, they only told us a bit of it last, last Friday, so no wonder I forgot). But there was something called "Club Appreciation Day" today, where we were cleaning up the La Habra Boys and Girls Club that we borrow every Sunday for our worship. It's cuz our church is moving and need temporary places to hold our services. But anyways, people were busy and we couldn't get a ride to our actual church until later.
We got there. Went to one of the buildings to get "some" food. Then Michelle and I tried to find rides home. But it seemed that everyone was either busy or had left already. So we went to my dad and he called mom to come and pick us up.
And that's when hell pretty much started.
She started yelling pretty much as soon as she pulled up. It really is grating on one's nerves to see her greet other people in the same area with a smiling, happy face - then turn to me and give me a cold glare. And the thing is... I didn't do anything wrong. If you call forgetting a crime and sin - then sure I would have been at fault. But forgetting isn't. It just happens and there's nothing you can really do about it.
But obviously, my mother thinks different. Really, I try so very hard to understand her... and yet, I never really can. I guess that's what happens when you live in an Asian family, and yet have some American mentality. It's not that I can't see where she's coming from... It's just frustrating that she believes herself to be correct all the time when she isn't.
Anyways, the point was that she was pissed cuz she's just gotten home when my dad called her to come and pick me and Michelle up from church. She was complaining that she didn't even get to sit down for a minute before having to come. And right then and there, she looks at me and demands to know how royally I've screwed up again.
Bull s**t.
(God will forgive me for saying that. He understands. I hope and pray...)
Well, I would've bothered to tell her what was going on and why we ended up calling her... but she closed up like a volt and refused to even look at me. So I decided to let it slide. Then... she turns in the opposite direction and starts going towards Michelle's house.
Now, here was the plan that Michelle and I had come up with. Because my mother doesn't like taking people anywhere the plan was for someone (who ended up being mother) to take us home so that Michelle could call her mom and come pick her up. And while she was there, I was planning personally to explain to her mom about what happened today and to apologize for making her come all the way down to my house.
But no~ MOTHER - bickering and pissing - curtly tells me that she's going to drop Michelle home cuz she knew that I was going to ask. Ok... I didn't ask. I didn't even think it. She just assumed. And I don't like it when she assumes that I'll do things just for the sake of screwing up. I mean, what does she think I am?
Well, at this point, Michelle is wholy and completely lost. (Hence, the scapegoat part. She doesn't know that she's kinda the source of it.) Poor girl. But we drive over and drop her off. (With me telling her I'll explain things later.)
Now, on the drive back home - hell happens.
As soon as I get in the car, she starts fuming. She demands to know why I screw around with her so much. She demands to know if I do it for fun. If I enjoy seeing her get mad.
Like Hell enjoys seeing her mad.
I don't do these things on purpose. Honestly, who - even in hell - makes mistakes on purpose. No one. That's precisely why they're called "mistakes". Cuz we don't plan on making them, and yet they happen - hence us screwing up. It's just being human. It's just life.
But obviously she thinks she above such things. She instantly assumes that I did something horribly wrong - and get this - that Michelle was the cause of it. Sorry girl, but it's true. Mother thinks you're the root of all the evil in my life. The same she thinks of all my friends. I want to smack her.
*Sigh* It's too much. You know... I'm so used to my mother thinking bad of me that I just don't really care much anymore. I just let her say whatever she wants, then let it slide over me.
But. I. Do. Not. Like. It. When. She. Says. s**t. About. My. Friends.
Ok, ok. So she's a mother. All mother's have this inate right to judge their children's friends. Yes, I accept that - to a point. But it's fricking wrong to think evily of all people and assume that the entire human race is at fault except for you. Now, that's just being selfish and short-minded.
*sigh* I'm not perfect either. Hell, if I'm not perfect. I'm human too. But I'm a hell of a lot more perfect than a lot more people and even my mother. Yes, I know some people might say that now I'm just being disrespectful to my mother and all that - but frankly, from all that I know of my mother and how she thinks - it's true.
She assumes things. Lots of things. She believes that she's always right. She believes that she knows all. She believes that whatever she says is final.
And it's not.
*rubs eyes* It's so... frustrating. She's like a child. A child so corrupted that no matter how much you try to explain to her, she just doesn't get it. Or she refuses to cuz it'll scrape her pride.
She thinks that I'm becoming more and more "evil" because of Michelle and other friends. I'm not. If anything, I haven't been more true to myself upon meeting them. I'm not afraid to say what I think and what I belive in. I'm accepted for who I am and love for it. That's something that's I've always longed for (and recieved to from Sonya first) and got.
But she doesn't think so.
She thinks that for me to be me - I have to follow all of her rules. Which is basically have no life and be her personal slave. Well, that's not how it works. I'm not 100% Asian...
On the ride home, I told her so. I told her how I hated it when she simply assumed that I was always doing something wrong. I told her how dissapointed I was in her for thinking that I'm not trustworthy. I told her how much I despised how lowly she thought of the friends I love. And I told her how much it embarasses me to have her for a mother - especially one who cannot belive in her own daughter.
And she coudn't say anything to that.
We got home, I got out of the car and went into my room.
And I'm not saying sorry. Cuz there's nothing to be sorry for.
Asian culture would say that I still have to go and apologize. Cuz you back-talked to your parent. American culture would say forget it - it's freedom of speech.
I say... I feel pity.
=End=
heart ~*~ K17_K47_K175UN3 ~*~ heart
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~*~ K17_K47_K175UN3_CH4N'5 Random House~*~
Yeah, so I'm updating this too. This place is where I can rant, rave and say whatever the heck I want. Ah~ The sweet bliss. Well, feel free to drop in and read some of my insanities. There's always room to insert your own into the mosh-pit! XD
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Kit_Kat_Kitsune_Chan
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i love you Kitsune and i dun think (hahahah wink ) im the root of all evil... (shhhhh ninja ) and you know what...your mom can just shove it...i just hope i move out of this apartment soon so i can steal you away crying ::huggles her::
anyways...again lady i luffs you to death and you know that im always here if you need me 3nodding heart and ill give you a big huggle when i see you monday...well cuz i hate you (my mom read this and she completely understands if you ever need to escape to someplace just come on over) wink heart luffs you lady!!!~ crying gonk heart heart 3nodding heart whee heart wink heart gonk heart heart